Hope Floats...

Well the end of the year is near and it's been a long and interesting one.

It literally started with some news I expected yet dreaded to hear, my mentor's body had been found nearly 3 months after she went missing. It was suicide. A battle I have faced as well over the last 20 years or so. That moment when someone you respected, that helped heal you and bring you closer to God, that spoke words of life and love and was going to go on a missions trip succumbed to the disease that has gripped both of your lives for so long is a hard one to come to terms with. I spent some time asking God the usual questions of why that person and why have I not succumbed. I know why I haven't, my work on earth is not done yet. It still is a question that anyone with a major depression diagnosis probably asks themselves. So 10 days into the year I went to her memorial service. I hope that when God finally calls me home that it will be as big a celebration of life lived well and lived for God as hers was. At the service God showed up and He started whispering that big things were on the way. I could feel it. At the time I didn't know what it meant or who He was going to make those big things happen for. I knew something was going to happen with me, but it also felt like a general thing.

So the year kept going. I worked, hung out with friends, did a lot of cat rescue/shelter work. Tried to work up to running the Spartan Race in Calgary in August. As the year progressed I started to slide into that hole of darkness again. It wasn't debilitating yet but it was affecting my life. I wanted to yell at it and just begged God to make it go away again. It is a medical condition. That is all. I didn't (ok, don't) want it to define me. I am not depression, it is something I have that I sometimes worry will take over my life again to the point where I may not survive it. However I can't focus on that. It makes things harder but I won't let it ruin my life like I nearly did before. So anyways my parents could see it as well. Fortunately they know what to look for. One day near then end of June and beginning of July I got a message asking if I was still interested in SDF. Of course I was, but life was not looking like it would let me go this year so I promised to do next year. So as things go everything fell into place and all my excuses were stomped on. Fear still reigned over my wanting to be a filmmaker. A month later I was on the plane heading to the film school that I knew I was going to attend in the location I was supposed to attend before the school existed in that location. Fear still held me back for half the school. In the end, as the past blogs have indicated, I fought for it and I finished it. In the process God did amazing things in my life and in others lives and I met some amazing people that I know I will be friends and collegues with for a long time.

So now here it is, the end of the year again. I have started down the path of becoming a director, finally. Better late than never though. Next year it is going to continue. There is much to learn and I intend to learn it. I intend to work with it. I feel like God has told me the path I am to follow. It is going to be long and hard, but it is supposed to happen so I will trust Him to see me through. Next year is going to be awesome. It is going to be more and better than I expect it to be. Things have been set in motion and they are going to continue, not just with me either. I'm excited to see what He is going to do in people's lives next year. So with this I have no resolutions, just things I need to do that aren't well meaning set ups for failure. I have a Hopes and Dreams jar where I write them out on paper and put them there. The jar is symbolic of being God's hands. All my hopes and dreams for the future and 2015 are in His hands. I hope and pray that all my friends have a great year next year. That you reclaim what has been lost and look to the future with hope and peace and have an abundance of blessings. I love you all.

Inside Out

Ok, another one even though I said I was going to be offline for the rest of today, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day.

Sometimes in life you go through a pile of poo and it affects the rest of your life, for good or for ill. Last night I realized I have been divorced for 10 years this September. So much has happened in those 10 years and none of it would have happened if it hadn't been for that divorce. I wouldn't have gone to the house church and learned about DTS. I wouldn't have gone to DTS and I may even be dead as a result of staying stuck, not doing what I was made to do, and then the clinical depression winning. I would not have heard about SDF and I wouldn't be sitting on this dorm floor in Brisbane (exactly the place God told me to go to film school before the school existed). It's crazy the awesomeness that came out of it. The unconditional love and friendships that have developed are some of my most treasured things in life. (Also having a best friend, Jenny, who walked through all of the crap of the last 15 years with me so patient and supportive through all of it. I think it helped solidify our friendship.)

There is the other side though. The rejection (the now wife, then new girlfriend, is "like you only better") and feelings of not being worth anything. The walls being built and not budging to be brought down. The lack of belief and trust in people until you realize they love you as is. The lack of confidence in yourself. There's so much more but I think those are the main longest lasting ones.

When I came back from DTS I had changed, some of that stuff was worked out but not all of it. I took a chance and got hurt again badly a few years after. Again the walls etc were back in place. I found out how much my friends cared about me and loved me. That got me through. I was already well into a depression before that relationship started but I didn't recognize it. I was starting to sink again just before I came here. One of the things with the school is we have to have one on ones with a staff. I am pretty blunt and honest, but I do not like to open up. I also divert the topic if it makes me uncomfortable. Fortunately my one on one was really good and for some reason I would blurt stuff out I don't like talking about. It helped me figure out why somethings are the way they are and what I need to change. Also in the school it was brought to our attention that filmmakers have to be open and vulnerable as if you don't feel it your audience won't feel it. Well, that was the kicker for me. That made me struggle through the first half at least of the school until I was broken. I did better at that, and it showed in my final film project, yet it still wasn't enough. Then we graduated. When we watched the confessionals a lightbulb went on. I saw myself from the outside for once and realized I have been seeing myself wrong my entire life. So then I thought about what I had to do to reflect that from inside. I had a minor bout of depression and also a concussion, so between the 2 of them I wasn't capable of implementing anything. Then I was talking to said one on one person again and he encouraged me to start small. So I did and it all exploded from there. I have finally opened up completely to my fellow interns. I have put myself in a vulnerable position with them as friends, and it has done nothing but solidify our friendships. It is awesome. I am making major progress and it is good. I can take constructive criticism and not get annoyed at being told what to do (all the strong willed people raise your hands with me, ha ha).

I feel it. I feel different. I feel free. I feel love for everyone I know. I know who I am as a person and in God. I actually feel is probably one of the biggeat things I've noticed. I don't feel nothing but I actually feel and recognize emotions. As anyone with clinical depression can tell you, feeling nothing is the norm for it.

So now that I've blurted it all out I must sleep. I need to be up early for Christmas service.

Ch'tite Geekette: I'm a little Woodstock, short and stout...

How cute is this?



Ch'tite Geekette: I'm a little Woodstock, short and stout...: My attempt at creating a scene... Next time I'll think about centering the subject :) Today was the last day for sending out the...

Generally I Like It

Ok, so I decided today to talk about making the films. I used that title because it's funny to me (I don't care about the flaws, I still love Moulin Rouge).

So I know I can be a lot unprofessional sometimes and I can get distracted easily. I'm working on that and that's why I get  the people to be AD that I do, because I know they will keep shooting and myself on track. Which is good to have the reminder that we can have fun but get the job done efficiently. The thing is knowing your weaknesses and working on them, and having someone balance them out. Like any partnership. Surrounding yourself with a good crew is essential. Granted we have a skeleton crew, but I know they will do what is needed when asked. Perhaps I need to AD a few times and that will help.

I wasn't as prepared as I'd like to have been. Some of the things you don't realize you've not prepared enough are from lack of experience and others just got forgotten. Working on that as well. Sometimes I am very much a fly by the seat of you pants person and that doesn't work as a director.

Another thing that is needing a lot of work on my side is communication. With my crew and actors on what I want and how I want it done. I am relying far too much on others experience and letting them figure it out. I need to be the captain of the ship and guide them not let them guide me. I need to act on trusting my instincts and standing firm. That being said I do love the actors I have worked with. I have learned a lot from them. I have appreciated their patience and guiding when needed.

I need to hang out on more sets and watch directors work so I can actually hear what they are saying and how they do things. Behind the scenes footage doesn't always give you that. Director commentaries are good though. Tarsem's commentary on The Fall was really good. That journey was a fascinating story on its own.

I still only want to do this. I only want to make films and films that matter. I may have gotten a late start at it, but I now it's what I was born to do. Even as a kid being bossy when we were playing pretend "You do this and I'm going to do this." and as a kid watching films in wide eyed fascination I knew.

Have a great day everyone.

And So We Shall Go To War

I don't know how to start this one. It is going to sound insane, if you aren't a Christian. After filming today (which I loved every minute of and I'll talk about after) we were all exhausted. I was checking facebook in the office after dinner and showed Hanna something. We started talking and suddenly we started praying about things (I won't say specifics as I don't feel comfortable with that due to people being prayed for also) and it went on for over 2 hours. The building and the office was part of it. We could feel God moving and it was freaking awesome. Total spiritual warfare going on in there.

Today we filmed the second of three days for the current short film. I love the people I worked with. The actors were fantastic and my crew is always awesome. Today we had a kid filming on set. It was actually pretty good. I know it won't always be like that. Kids will be kids, ha ha. He was a trooper and it was good for all of us to experience. You could tell the actors have worked with kids before. That helped.

So Christmas is coming up and that means it's almost Hobbit time!!! Yes!!!! I've been so patient, only whining a little bit. Ha ha.

Anyways, it is sleep time. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we have a 3 day break. I want to go to a beach but everyone else in Australia will be going to a beach. Too many people means me freaking out. So Merry Christmas everyone! Hugs and love.

Still Working On Believing.

"Also I feel more like I'm "me" this week than I have in a long time aka before the great mental collapse of 2010. I should go blog that one."

Well I just wrote that on facebook so here I am with it now. How do I describe what it's like? Basically when I'm unwell, having depression and anxiety symptoms, I have less energy than normal. I don't like to interact with people as that takes away the energy to even eat or have a shower. So in those moments I shut people out. I withdraw from the world. I have no enjoyment in my work, even films which I would rather be doing and getting out of bed may be hard some days, but for that it is so worth it. This happened for a good 3 weeks since NZ and a lot during SDF (due to not being well and the intensity). This week though I have stepped out more. I started implementing my plan I came up with when I realized I have been looking at myself wrong my entire life (if you want to know what that means shoot me a message and I'll let you know, it's not like I'm the only one but it's a bit long to talk about). I am being more open and vulnerable and I kind of hate it but it's what needs to be done. I hate one on ones because I have to talk to someone face to face and be open and whatnot about the stuff I hate talking about. Avoidance doesn't work with said one on one either, I tried. Ha ha ha. So anyways this week I may have had a cold, but I felt more alive than I have in so long. I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am surrounded by amazing people and I should show them that more often. Last night Hanna and I had an awesome conversation where I finally opened up properly and we both gave to the conversation and had awesome bonding session. Which is great especially if we are going to be working in the same proximity for as long as it looks like we are going to be, ha ha ha. I don't always sensor my conversations with people, it's just what I choose to reveal and what I don't. I tend to be a pretty open book, if I don't want to answer a question then I will say so. Otherwise I'm in a spot of ask away. Partly because it helps me process and explain things so I sometimes have revelations of the situation as a result. This helps me not hold on to it and deal properly with it. I think maybe more people should have awesome people to help them get crap out of their heads so they can deal with it or even just be open and vulnerable themselves. I'm expecting these revelations to make me more confident and a better filmmaker as well. I'm good at observation, but communication needs working on.

I need to go have quiet time. I had some, but I need more before tomorrow. It's the first day of filming tomorrow for the first intern short films. I'm up directing first and so I need to go collect my thoughts and print some stuff off. More thoughts etc as they come up.  The photo is more location scouting.

Chant Down Babylon

Ok, not a movie reference but a tv show episode title. Why break the chain of movie related? It was appropriate. That episode was about miracles when all hope seems lost and in the end what is meant to be still happens. How does this relate? I won't have to leave on Sunday, even if I don't have all the money. I still need it and everyone's help, but I can stay. If I hadn't been so tired and coughing at the drop of a hat I might have cried when I was told. God knows what he's doing even if I don't. I still need around $1630 and the $300 to pay for the change to my flight home by Feb. The $1630 I do need asap though. I thank all who have contributed so far. I love you all and I will never forget. Know that with every film I make now and in the future you are all a part of it. If I ever win an Oscar (yeah, I dream big, ever since I was a kid I've wanted one ha ha) I won't be able to mention everyone by name, but you all know that you will be a part of it. So I need to sleep now, being sick and all. There is more I just have to think of it in the morning.

So in a continuation the $1630 is on its way to me. If I wasn't coughing still I'd probably cry. It keeps with the miracle topic for this.

Last night (Wed the 17) was mandatory fun, aka the activity is mandatory whether you have fun is your choice. I had fun. Went through some gardens and geo-cached. Almost found it but ran out of time. I wanted to climb the trees but I was wearing the wrong footwear and snakes and spiders in the dark. Yeah.

So I am just finishing getting over a cold and the last 4 weeks of internship have been a bit rough. The cold is what killed this week. The weeks before it was depression rearing its ugly head. It was bad but not too bad. I isolated myself somewhat...a lot. It's just one of those things. Being around people when not working took too much of my limited energy. It's not quite great relatively speaking yet, but it is better. Last night (19th) a bunch of us hung out and watched movies. I laughed so hard I had breathing trouble all day. Which didn't go well with rehearsals today. I had my first rehearsal with outside actors today. Basically introducing everyone, doing a read through, watching them interact. This is going to be fun. :D The two leads are hilarious. I just watched them play off each other for a bit. Then this evening I had girl talk with Hanna for most of the evening. That was fantastic. I love our office and everyone in it. I know I say love a lot about people and movies. I also know there are different forms of love. Love and respect among friends and co-workers is how I see them. Love isn't words. It's actions and making an effort for them and giving to them. I don't want to be a taker, I want to give to my friends and family.

Ok, I think I have caught up with the gut spilling for now. I am on a path in life. I know it's the right one no matter how much I doubt sometimes. Love you all.

Back to the Future

So I feel like I'm out of touch with the rest of the world. After talking to my one on one I feel more ok with the transition from where I was to where I am and am going. I like how he relates his similar experiences and you realize it's a normal thing really. Periods of adjusment always are. I already know some of what I have to do when I get home, that's ok. I'm fine with it. My future lies in film, and I know it. I may have gotten a late start and I still have a lot to learn, but it is what it is and I'm actually excited for the future. Granted I will always have clinical depression so I won't always feel excited for the future, but there is a purpose and it will be fulfilled.

Today we decorated to office for Christmas. Hee hee. Wobbs has a couple of decorative disco balls on him. For New Years I will set up a dance station for him on my desk. Ha ha. It's officially summer here. It goes by the change of the month as opposed to the equinox etc. It takes some getting used to, but it doesn't really change a lot anyways.

I'm still looking for fundraising ideas if anyone has any they'd be willing to pass on. I will be attempting to make hats to sell for next time when I get home, but that's over 2 months away still.

Well, I have homework to finish and sleep to do as well. Blessings to all and goodnight.

Everything Is Awesome

 The last few days have been interesting. Due to the having to leave the country for visa reasons I didn't get a medication refill before I left (I didn't have time or opportunity). So I had to half my dose for about a week to a week and a half. That was ok, however I ran out for half a week before I got the refill. Now I think it's catching up to me. I've been so tired for the last 3 days. Today I've felt down and yesterday I had a higher anxiety level. I didn't have any panic attacks, so that's good. I know once my body builds up the medication again it will stop. I felt like the socially awkward penguin yesterday at church. Kind of just standing around not knowing how to approach people to talk. Being treated like I didn't exist by someone who interrupted a conversation (literally walked between me and the person I was talking to) and acted like I wasn't there, even when someone else came over. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it was pretty rude. What people think of me is not what defines me. I may not be the typical put together female, but that doesn't mean I get to be treated like a second class person by people as a result. What defines me is how I treat people and how I react to them. I may be frustrated by that treatment, but I'm looking to the root of why I am so bothered by it so I can fix the problem with my attitude as a result of it and let it go.

So far the internship is going well. I have been working on transcribing a film with time codes and everything. I used to write out the lyrics to songs all the time that I taped off the radio as a kid, so I'm pretty good at it, lol. We have started our first of the 2 films for the internship, there are 2 films in this part and in the second half of the school we get to do another one each. I couldn't come up with a pitch, so I'm directing someone else's written work. It should be interesting as she's the DP.

So I went to Supanova (comic convention) on Saturday. There was an actor from The Hobbit, now I've got 5 out of 13 dwarves autographs, so that was the must do one. Alan Tudyk (love, love, love that guy), Jamie Bamber (huge fan, even watched Pulse 2 for him), and Tahmoh Penikett were on my meet list. So I did. Both Tahmoh and Jamie told me to give them a job after school. I said I will, once I write it. I don't know if they realize that I really will go after them as I will be making a feature film or two (ok, more really) in the next years at some point. I geeked out on Facebook so I've lost the initial excitement to talk about it here, lol. All four of them are quite interesting and nice. It's part of the job for them, but they were very engaging. Peter Hambleton (the dwarf in Hobbit) said the world needs more directors that are good with actors, like Peter Jackson. Then he winked. So my current goal is to research the "actor's" directors so I can be even better and communicate better with the actors and in general. The best part was showing an actor that was in Star Wars Episode 3 the teaser trailer for Episode 7 and watching his reaction in real time as he hadn't seen it yet. Priceless.

Ok, back to a random story I'm writing that may not make it to my journal as it may be too long. Oh well, I'll probably use it anyways.

We Must Away...

Well my time in NZ is at an end. I'm sitting at the airport waiting to check in for my flight back to Brissie. There is nothing to really talk about as far as what I did goes. I pretty much did nothing, ha ha. I spent the entire time relaxing and hanging out with Iris and whanau. Last night we went into Tauranga and down to the Mount (Mt Maunganui). We went to the beach for a bit. So good. My brain had some time to work on healing itself (it's 4 weeks tomorrow since I got the concussion) with no pressure or anything to think about. There are still some issues from it, nothing that time won't take away though. I do have to go back to the dr since I couldn't before I left Oz. It's just a follow up. I still love NZ, I always will that's for sure. Next time I come visit I will definitely do the things I didn't/couldn't this time. That includes bungee jumping and Hobbiton. Hee hee. It's sad to leave, but stage two of Operation Filmmaker is starting. I also saw a dude here in the airport with a sweet camera set up. He appeared to be filming something, he was with official people and another camera guy. Anyways, no internet at the moment so you all won't see this until I get to Brissie. The no internet thing sucks when you are trying to arrange a pick up on the other side. Oh well, I have means to get back it will just take longer. :) Also playing with rugby kiwi toys in the shop (making it do the haka) is a bit too fun.

Now that I'm back in Brissie and the first notification on my phone was that Pat Quinn (epic awesome ice hockey coach, much loved he was) passed away yesterday or the day before, I feel like talking about him and why I got sad. Back in the day he coached Vancouver's NHL team. By back in the day I mean when I was a rink rat (not a groupie, the difference being I liked hockey itself). So you can imagine I saw a lot of the guy. He had a temper when it came to the game itself but he was always good to us as fans. He took that team far, he had great players to work with at the time as well. The hockey world will never see another like him. RIP to the Mighty Quinn. <3

Who Am I?

That moment when you finally realize you have been seeing yourself wrong for your entire life. It's a big one. Bigger than pretty much all other moments. Granted there are many life changing moments, but the one that alters your perception of yourself so radically in such a way is worthy of its own stand back and ponder and then share time. So I realized that at the Brissie airport yesterday (Nov 18/14). I don't mean just how I see myself in the mirror, although that is part of it, but deeper than that. Breakthroughs are so great, I love them. I don't know how to describe what I actually realized though. I'm hoping that the change will be reflected externally. Ok, again with the head. Grrr...I had good stuff this time but if it bugs me I need to stop what I'm doing. Also no wi-fi so all this shall come through late and all together, ha ha. Good night and good morning.

There Are Many Paths To Tread

So here I sit outside after finally waking up. I forgot to change my watch to New Zealand time so I thought it was 8 am. Yeah it's 11 am. Oops. I already got some kitty cuddles, the sun is hot, but it's cool when it goes behind the clouds. Everything is so green, it's fantastic. Last night when we got here the stars were out. I don't remember the last time I saw that many stars that weren't dimmed by light from houses and street lights. There's a wind blowing right now. Such a change from Brissie weather. I hadn't forgotten what it was like, but I definitely missed it. The flight here was uneventful. My head is moderately ok, I wasn't too sure about the flight and how it would be. Fortunately it wasn't too bad. Ok, this won't get posted until I get back probably. That's fine. :D

I'm Going On An Adventure!

Yay!! Flights have been sorted! I am heading to New Zealand for a week! Thanks to the generous donation of a good friend. <3 I admit to having doubts as time grew short, doesn't everyone? The holding on to God's promises in those times is key to not letting it pull you down. After NZ it's back for the internship (which I still need at least $2000 for). I'm still figuring out the bank issues, I may have just typo'd the number (silly me). Today was a relax day, went up Mt Cootha for a bit. The kookaburra stealing the hoity toity tourists food was really funny. Oh my goodness. I got a great photo on my camera, I'll probably post when I get home. So I will probably be quiet on here until the internship starts as there won't be much to say. So until then: see you later, stay safe, keep me in your prayers please. Love you all.

20 Seconds of Embarrassing Courage

I deliberately saved this title for last (Nov 15/14 at the moment), even though I've had it saved as a draft for the last 3 months. There is a reason for this, obviously. We watched (during orientation week) "We Bought A Zoo". One of Matt Damon's lines was about how amazing things can happen when you give yourself 20 seconds of embarrassing courage. As soon as heard it I wanted to use it. One of our staff (William) used it to say that that is what it took for us to decide to jump on a plane to Australia to do a very intensive 3 month film school. He was right and amazing things have come from it. I directed 4 films, one sucked, one was ok, and two I am very proud of. I got to DP a few, and I loved it. I met some amazing people who I hope will remain lifelong friends and possible co-workers. Well, some of them will be co-workers for 3 months on internship. The most amazing parts are the breakthroughs, and not even just for me. There were plenty of major ones for me, some of which I've chronicled here. Watching the actors and the rest of the crew grow and have breakthroughs was so great. There are no words that can accurately describe the feeling of being there for that. I can't imagine how the staff felt seeing us all grow after mentoring us for the last few months.

So last night was the premiere. All our first films, alphabetically by last name meant mine was first, were shown. The terror of seeing your film on a big screen waiting to see how the audience is going to react. Ok, that was a bit dramatic, but still it was very nerve wracking. The first films actually went over well. The confessionals were pretty entertaining. Our blooper reel wasn't shown, that's fine. It's mostly for us and our memories anyways. In spite of all the chaos and tears and tired crankiness, we had a blast and we don't hate each other or our staff, ha ha. The two guys left today. One will be back in January for another school and one will come back at some point. I think at some point all of us will be back at the base though.

Back to the films. Restored got laughs, which it was supposed to get. I just wasn't sure if people would laugh. It's good because people enjoyed it and it was my first one. Immortal got a good reaction as well, much of that credit goes to my DP on that one. He made it look amazing. The third one, I Don't Know Yet (yes that was the title as someone asked the title during pitching, that was what I said, and it stuck) got exactly the reaction I was hoping for. People gasped, muttered, cringed. Yep, I even heard a few people say that it was so real and felt so real. Mission accomplished. That was the one I had a concussion during the entire process from mid-script process to final final edit. My DP and AD were integral to the process and without them it would not have happened. All in all a 100% successful trip. For Alannah and Sylvia, along this vein, I fell in love, just not with a guy. Ha ha ha. It was films and Australia. So your wish sort of came true, I'm still not back yet though. Don't know when I'll be for sure back, except Feb until internship #2. Yeah, a second internship on a feature film set. Yay! Details TBA.

So now what. Well I'm having tranferring of funds issues, but I intend to change my flight home and book my flight to leave and come back on Monday here. It will happen, I know it will. Like I knew Brent was a boy the minute my sister told me she was pregnant. Some things in life you just know. Internship starts on the 24th and I will be there because that's where God wants me, even if I'm borderline panicking over the time frame. His time, not mine. His ways, not mine. So time to go relax with the girls for the night. Tomorrow hang out with Tish and find a flight out and back.

Whither Then? I Cannot Say

It's the last week of classes. We graduate on Friday. There is so much to do in so little time and it's frustrating to not be able to work on it as often as I can due to my stupid head. I felt ok on the weekend so I pushed myself. We had to finish filming, I had to go through footage (I personally think there are things that need to be in it that I don't have, granted I haven't even been able to finish watching it all yet), I had to start editing, I have to finish the directors report. All this with a concussion and a stubborn streak. It's not a good combination. Today I payed for it. So why am I on here and not working on the report? Simple, no computer to type said report on. I'll be at it all night again. Such is the filmmakers life, you do the job when you have to and if you can't then someone else will do it and you're out of a job. I still don't want to do anything else even though today is a beat something up day. I hate hate hate being held back in any form. I'm trying not to cry. I am not thnking about after school yet, but I need to. In my current state if I think about it I will forget to trust God and start panicking. I feel so crap right now I just want a hole to crawl in and I am not well enough yet physically to spend the energy to change that. So more frustration because I don't want to be that. Not as frustrating as first shooting week, but it's getting close again. So, anyone want to send me some good news? Oh, I did get double coat Tim Tams for my birthday from Tish. :D Saturday I got as close to a beach as possible (still not a real beach) without actually going to a beach. So yeah. Any awesome things? Anyone willing to support a struggling filmmaker who is trying to stay and get more learning and experience? Ok, done whining. I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment I think. Thinking would be good. I'd like to be able to put some cohesive thoughts to paper for my report.

It's Just a Measly Handful of Stardust

Yesterday was my first day on set for my final project. My head was still not great and it took a lot out of me physically. I ended up sitting out some close ups that were being shot, which was fine. I needed to rest. It was intense as we filmed the stunt scenes. It was hard to watch, but that was good as it made it realistic. The actors were amazing. My crew was amazing. I need to check the footage still, but it's ok as I spent that time scouring the internet for stuff for my director report.

The head is feeling slightly better, it doesn't hurt as much as it did. I mostly have dizzy spells if I do too much. Also can't think and get confused. At least it doesn't...and I forget. Dang. Umm...I got to properly cuddle a cat and I believe it was caught on the SDF B roll. Including the baby talk. Ha ha ha. That will probably make an appearance in the confessionals somewhere. I love our staff, ha ha. I can't wait to not be a student anymore.

I had more to say, but I forgot. So now I will sleep so I can spend the early hours watching footage and making a rough cut. If I don't get that near finished I won't be able to take a break and watch Interstellar, for director report purposes obviously. Later gators.

In Thy Mercy

Don't ask about the title. It was the first movie quote I thought of and I'm not sure it fits. Ha ha.

So there's relatively good news and relatively bad news as a result of the scan (of which I get to keep the pictures, yes!!!). The good news is it's "only" a concussion, somewhat of a major one though, and muscle spasms. No breaks, fractures, etc. Yay! I just have to not do anything physical or strenuous until the symptoms are gone. I'm good with that. I also get to be on set tomorrow for my film and the important stunt scenes. If I start to feel crap I need to stop and let my AD take over again, she did for filming yesterday since I couldn't go. I'm stoked for it.

Now for the relatively bad news. My spine is a little straighter than it should be in my neck. C6 and C7 specifically are where the problems are. The tube that the spinal cord sits in is narrower than it should be. The straight and narrow issues are from all my years of playing contact sports and the whiplash from a car accident years ago. Probably other things as well that I don't remember. So I am not allowed to play contact sports (no more rugby, you guys should feel lucky) and no more nephew attacks/wrestling/hanging off of me. I also have to avoid any whiplash as much as possible. If I do any of those things it could cause the tube to narrow even more and start pinching the spinal column. The scan also showed up some calcifying on those vertebrae, which means I am beginning to get osteoarthritis there. The good news about that one is that excercise and activity will help slow that process down. It does explain some things that I've been noticing but couldn't explain or pinpoint. So basically the only reason these things were found was because I gave myself a major concussion that required a scan. They were also found relatively early so I can work on preventative things as opposed to down the road when major problems would have occured. I was wondering why this had to happen, well now I know. More life lessons, character building, and physical things I need to look after. Got it.

I've been looking at some of the footage from yesterday's filming session I missed. So far so good. I can't wait to put it together. I have to finish watching it tomorrow morning before we shoot. That means I should head to bed, but I thought I'd update as this is the easiest way to do it. I'm also surprised that when I woke up yesterday I was ok with not going to set. I must have felt rough and I felt peace about it. I can't wait until tomorrow. Goodnight.

Forth, and Fear No Darkness...

Ok, I'm Dutch and we are a stubborn lot. I'm also of the mindset that if you get hurt or sick you give it time then if it doesn't go away you go to a doctor. Well I'll find out tomorrow if I ended up with a concussion. I'm pretty sure I did as I've been dizzy, nauseated, headache, tired, etc. So if the doctor tells me not to film, I sure as heck won't listen but I will try to do what I can to take it relatively easy. Sunnies and a hat to help with the lights and video village so I don't have to look at a small screen. The director of the other final project is also sick with a cold that has been going around. I hope I don't get that as well.

The final project is going to be awesome. I hope that it helps people. I won't be saying much until it's done and possibly online, but I will say it is approved by someone who's been there done that and that makes me confident about it. As well as my cast being able to do the job well. I love it, and I love my cast. I can't wait to actually film it. It will be intense.

Now an update (Nov 3). The doctor said that, yes it is a concussion and I have to get a CT scan on my head and neck. No idea how much that is going to cost. Right now that's the least upsetting thing. Since my priorities are so in order: I can't direct my final project, if it gets greenlit tomorrow before we are supposed to film and we go ahead, until I get the scan done and the results. I'm currently on forced rest at the base while the others are filming the other final project. I am so angry, frustrated, and devestated. This cannot seriously be happening. It's not about the grades or what have you. I am trying not to cry my eyes out right now. I care more about that project than the money for the scan. I don't believe the way things have gone. All the trouble and roadblocks, now this. I'm not out, I'm just momentarily down. Now to go have a good cry.

Ok done that now. Moving on. Onward to how to get this project done and done well.

Say Anything...

Today has been interesting. I feel like I'm falling behind at school, but I'm not. That's ok though as in the film industry you are either always running behind or feel like you are always running behind.

I had my birthday here in Oz. It was nice and quiet, just how I like it. I'm not introverted at all, ha ha ha. We had a film history workshop, which was fantastic. Then I realized none of my classmates could have seen the awesomeness of Jurrasic Park in the theatre. It made me sad that they didn't get to experience it that way. No really, I tried to describe it and failed at it, lol.

I did have a fall down yesterday (the 29th here). I slipped on the carpet and landed hard. I smacked my head and wrenched my back a bit. On the good side once my back cracked it stopped having spasms. On the bad side my neck and head still hurt. Currently I'm lying down to give my neck a break from holding up my fat head (hahahaha, subtext intended). I haven't missed any school from it. There's a cold or something going around the base. There's been a few people stuck in bed for a couple of days.

This morning we got a bit of info on what the internship entails. It just makes me so excited for it. I want to be a part of what they are doing here and the next feature they are filming. It feels right. I'm still praying about it. Film is all I want to do.

So I'm signing off. The head is a tad unhappy with me looking at the screen. Also I have greenlight work to finish, cleaning duties, and food to eat soon. Love you all. Don't forget, if you can help out at all financially so I can stay please let me know. Thanks everyone.

Oops.

Screwed up the link and I'm on my phone. Try this one. http://www.gofundme.com/cpqojg

True Grit

Grit is what it takes to power through. Late nights, all nighters, rewrites, reshoots, homework, getting up in front of people, directing and pulling everything together. If you don't have it you can't do what is required to get this done and done right. That's my current take on it.

Currently things are awesome and chaotic. I have the overnight editing hours. Tonight is an 11 hour marathon. Hopefully I finish my first film during that time and I can focus on other homework. Like tightening up the final project script. I hope it manages to do everything it's supposed to. I was so surprised my pitch got picked. The stunned look must have been hilarious. It just goes to show how far I've come in this journey to become a filmmaker. Ha, I forgot I didn't post the blog about the final projects yet. There are 2 final projects, mine is one, and the topic is a hard one that has to be done right. We are holding auditions on Monday for the roles. I hope it falls into place well.

This leads to the internship questions. I still haven't heard details yet, however I still feel like it's what I'm supposed to do after. That being said if anyone is willing to pledge support (it's obviously unpaid internship) so I can stay, actually leave the country first then come back and stay, that would be amazing. I have started a fundraising page at GoFundMe. I'm not good at fundraising. I'm at the place where it needs to be done though. This is the link for my campaign: http://www.gofundme.com/cpqojg

I can't think of another way to do this at the moment. Being already overseas also makes it hard to do in person. Any support in any form is most appreciated, be it prayers or donations.

Back to story and writing, this week has been advanced writing and character development. Our instructor actually lives in a town 3 hours drive from my town back home. Ha ha. It's been good. He was talking about theme and our current projects, what the theme of them is. I thought mine was freedom, I can see how I would think that. I was wrong. Once again it's love. Interesting. I'm hoping this weekend's draft will be the last one as well. Especially now that is sorted out and some of the stuff taught this week is in my brain.

Well, I had better nap before dinner so I can have more than 5 hours sleep before tonight's marathon. :D

Love you all and thanks for all your support in any and every form it comes in.

I'm Ready For My Close Up...

Heh heh, yeah. I don't mean physical close up, I mean internal soul baring. Next part of growing pains really. Although there is no way to prepare for that, you just have to let it happen. I've never been good at intimacy, even with friends. I still have trouble looking at people while conversing. Not because I don't care about them or what they are saying, but because of the crushing discomfort and unease inside me. I can choose to keep going like that or I can choose to overcome it and the root causes that have me so on edge.

Choices. Everything in life is a choice whether we think it is or not. You choose how to behave based on what you've been taught and your past circumstances. You choose based on what you want, feel, etc. I didn't choose to have clinical depression (that's physical) but I can choose how to deal with it and, as difficult as it is, how much of my life I let it control (I let it control me too long). I choose whether I go alone or let God guide me in life.

As a director you are responsible for everything that happens on your set. Mistakes, bad choices, good choices, things left behind. If someone leaves something behind it is still on you to have made sure it was loaded up. It's a crappy position to be in sometimes, but there has to be a centre that all the parts connect to that keeps the filmmaking machine working.

Mistakes happen, bad choices happen. Taking responsibility for it and owning it is massive. I screwed up today. I felt sick thinking "Oh no. I'm in big trouble." I came back and immediately took responsibility for it. It didn't matter who else was involved, I made the decision and I had to own that. There is a power in owning your decisions and mistakes. The circumstances don't control you if you own it and deal with it. Will there be consequences? Absolutely. There always should be if needed. As long as you learn feom the mistakes and strive not to do them again. Who do you respect more, one who owns their mistakes and admits it or one who covers it up and tries to pass it off on someone else?

It takes a strong person to buck up and face the music. May we all be that person.

Yes, I wrote love on my arms in multiple languages instead of having a panic attack.

Adventures in Filmmaking

So we had just finished shooting week and we got hit with a 48 hour film blitz. Basic summary: we are given certain criteria and have to make a short film around those criteria in 48 hours, including editing, to be judged. Unfortunately our film didn't finish exporting until it was too late, even if it started exporting on time. We weren't disqualified, I thought we would be, but we did get docked 10 points. So for the results before the details of the experience: 49 for us, 53 for them final score. Including the docked 10 points. Yep. The thing was we cared more about making a film we were proud of and happy with than winning. We said that before we were exporting. In the end that was how we felt so the win/loss was not important to us. We were proud of it. On to the experience...

Fortunately I got 9 hours of sleep to sort of make up for the lack over the previous few days (last night I got 10). We went to the classroom and were informed about it. We weren't given any information, just who was on our team, and told to go do homework, get the roles sorted for the film, or whatever until 6:30 pm when we'd meet again and get the info. We had a book report due the next day (I did Making Movies by Sidney Lumet, I highly recommend it) so I went to the park across the street for some restful introvert time post meeting to finish the book. I had finished and emailed it by 5:30 pm. So back to the meeting. We had to decide roles and Lindsey wanted to do it where we all prayed about who should fill each roll and the write the name down and see what happens. We could write our own name down if we felt God was saying to, I didn't though. So we did that after everyone was interested in pretty much everything, ha ha. First up was director. Names were written and we had a tie of one vote each until the last name was pulled out. So with 2 votes to 5 other individual names I became director. My director of photography/cameraman was our staff member William, our other staff member on the team was Josias and he became 1st assistant director. Helene was sound, Lindsey was script supervisor, Brie was 1st assistant camera. Emma was our actress. We ended up getting an actor from outside the school to be in it as well named Wendy Spencer. She has done a lot of work over the last 30+ years in acting. A few of us were feeling a tad of surrealism over it.

So 7 pm came and we got our info. We started throwing around ideas right away and rather quickly came up with a story. By 1 am we had a script and Wendy cast. We went to sleep and were back at it by 6 am to find/make props and costumes and find locations. The rest of the crew went over the script as well so they knew what we were shooting for. I went over rehearsals with the actors and felt good about it. So we went to set...a forest...with lots of spiders. We filmed the whole dialogue scene from a few different angles. Josias and I were the spider finders and removers. I used a stick and he flung them at us. One bounced off my arm and I screamed. We stayed at that location until sunset so we could film Emma walking through the trees at golden hour. William was an amazing DoP. We had worked out the angles etc and he set up some great shots. He used the glide cam to film Emma walking. I went ahead with a stick and cleared out the webs and spiders. I told them to follow my path exactly. Lol. Good times.

After we got back Josias started editing that scene and the rest of us got the props together to go film the "cave" scenes. We filmed under a house light by candles and the glowing elixir that was glow sticks cut open and dumped in a bottle. It was epic.

3 or 4 hours after we finished and we went to sleep it was time to get up and go back to the forest to film more tramping around at sunrise. When we got back from that I passed out asleep on a couch and snored like a chainsaw. After I woke up from that (an hour later) there was more editing and we went to film a timelapse (which didn't make it into the final cut). We also filmed some flashback scenes but those didn't make it either. Then it came down to editing sound and colour. We submitted the version with no colour correction and we will be able to clean it up more for the premier night (aka grad).

Yep. That was an awesome experience and I loved it. I can really do this. Yes!

I Shall Believe

Wow, I hate growing pains. Character ones are the hardest but last for a long time, hopefully forever. Today (Oct 10) I got my locations, just as I was literally going to find another way (aka make another phone call) the last location came through. I spent 2 hours working on the schedule for that only to learn I will have to rearrange it again. I also forgot to take my meds today. Whoops. This post will be erratic, you've been warned. Also I've hit a little bit of paranoia, yeah. Stupid MI. I did change my...I forget. We started filming (on a break now) for one of the projects and I lost my spiral train of thought.

Back to the growing pains. Yeah, they suck and you never out grow them. They are for the best and you have to push through and let them do what they are supposed to do. Especially the God given ones. I know it sucks and I tend to freak out a bit during the process, but it will be worth it in the end. Especially since it's God given and will make me more the person He intends me to be. I am going to do this. I'm here because He wants me to be. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. This will happen, it will get done and freaking out will not help, it will just make things worse. Sometimes I don't believe in myself, but the more I do this school the more I realize that I can do this. It used to surprise me that others thought I could do it. I got that knocked out of me (thanks, Proby). I appreciate the support everyone back home and here have given me. Now that I've finished filming I really believe I can do it.

Tonight (Oct 13) we start a 48 hour film blitz. We have 48 hours to write, film, and edit a short film. Yay! I'm stoked for it. I managed to sleep last night for at least 9 hours, which is better than the previous 3 nights combined.

So I really love being on set. No matter how tired I am I love it. It feels like there is no place else I want to be. So that leads in to what next. There are 2 internships, one almost right after school for 3 months and another in May for 3 months that involves a feature film set. I want to do both. It feels like I'm supposed to do both. So if everyone could pray about whether I am to do it or not, and that the money to live off of, and leave the country and return when I have to, would be provided if I am to do said internships, that would be awesome. I need to talk to the staff about it yet. I have to go to a meeting. More later.

One Way Or Another

Kookaburras and cockatoos were on the photo menu today. I got a few great shots, too bad they are on my camera. Said camera is a tad damaged. I guess that's God's way of telling me I need to save up for a DSLR for photos and filmmaking. ;) Or I could just think that to make myself feel better.

So for the first project I was assitant camera, the next one I was/am the gaffer and grip (aka I get to play with the lights and set those up as well as any special camera rigs, and glorified cord wrangler), the one we are starting today I get to be the sound mixer. Yay!

As for my project, it's like it's up against a brick wall that will not give way. My current label for that wall is location owners. I'm just not hearing back from them. I'll just have to keep doing what I can and try more places I guess. It's harder to do during shooting week that's for sure. Although having time to work on it while waiting for others to be greenlit is kind of helpful. I'm still questioning myself, especially since internship was brought up today. Especially since it is on the list of things I'm shooting for with this.

A few days of shooting later and I still love being on set. I try to focus on just that when I'm on set. Last night I failed at that for a moment or 2. The thing about our staff is when they talk about issues/problems I need to deal with I don't get defensive or angry. I've been agreeing with them. I love our staff, I really do.

Today the final pieces must fall into place. Push time with a long day/night of filming ahead.

Fear is the Mind Killer

So it's 2 days to shooting week, I feel sick (stupid food allergies) and have a greenlight binder to do. The good news is my script is printed. I actually have a hard copy and that feeling is pretty awesome. This week has been learning about directing actors, aka what exactly a director does, and more than just myself are questioning ourselves about if we really can do it. Especially when we're this tired. Every day I expect the fatigue to catch up and I expect to collapse in a heap of unable to move. Every day I plow through. We are nearly half done. My body is screaming "is it over yet?!" and my mind and soul are screaming "Noooo!!! I don't want to be done!" Ha ha, I feel like a masochist. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it will be worth every second of exhaustion, pain (seriously, 10 kg sandbags and more than one being carried at a time, good thing I worked in produce), doubt, fear, tear that hasn't leaked out yet.

We need to remember why we are doing this and who we are doing this for. It's not about us, it's not in our strength alone. Fear is not an option, self doubt is not an option.

On that note I have some greenlight work to finish.

Let It Go.

Well, that was interesting. Last night (Sept. 26 in Oz) I got to direct the film noir project. It started rough, really rough. I lost my cool once early on. I started to panic, made a wrong call, and was all in someone's face. I still feel bad about that. I did apologize to that person and the others. I woke up and it was all I could think about. So now it's letting go time.

Once we settled into our roles it went better. I talked with one of the actors after and asked what I could have done better. That was super helpful. The hardest part was watching and not doing lights and camera stuff. Ha ha.

We finished at 1 am, shooting. It only took 3 hours to shoot once we got going. Getting going was the hard part, but I think we held up well considering. It's kind of prep for shooting week. That should be interesting. In spite of the chaos and frustration (with the learning by experience and general mistakes) I don't regret coming here. I don't want to be doing anything else and in this moment I don't want to be anywhere else.

Mostly the anxiety is under control, it's very occassionally that I notice. The depression is mostly ok as well. It's only when I let the stress get to/overwhelming me. Therein lies the key, not to let it get to me. Things need to be done, you do what you can to do them. If you dig deep and put your everything into it anything can be done. The best part is knowing God is in it and helping us get through. If we weren't relying on His strength we'd be out for the count.

Anyways, bed and stories are calling so I can focus on finishing editing tomorrow.

28 Days Later...

Ok, it's been more than 28 days now, but that's ok, especially since this is posting nearly a week later (silly internet). I've been here for a month now. It has been rough, long, tiring but so worth it. The other day we all filmed a scene that we did with no staff assistance. I think ours was awesome.

Today I needed an adventure and to find a space to let my imagination run. I ended up at a park that was pretty sweet. So many lizards that posed for me. I got some great shots and felt my imagination start to take off. Note to self, if you want to write get off base and into nature. It works every time.

There is so much going on with the school. Wednesday we watched Sunset Boulevard. Such a good film. The one we saw on Monday, yeah not so much. I hated everyone in that movie and couldn't wait until it was done. It was so painful to watch, but perhaps that was part of the point.

Ideas, I need ideas. I need my imagination to run, but my stories all want to be long. Currently they all need to be short. Oh well.

Kitty up the street still comes to see me every day at his gate. His tabby friend is getting less scared of me.

Ooo, today I stumbled upon a band in the park show that was playing all music from sci-fi. I missed most of it, but it was pretty sweet. I then met a girl and we chatted and walked for a bit. She is from Michigan. That was random, as were the druggies on the train.

Anyways, back to writing. I would love to have a troll invade my script and smash the laptop in there, but it doesn't advance the story. *sigh*

Fly, You Fools

Yep, these fledglings have been thrown out of the nest. Today we filmed a two page scene in class. It was awesome. I got to be a grip and shadow the DoP. Happiness. As a grip I helped set up the lights. I was a stand in as well with Hanna since we set up the lights and that was all we needed. It was a proper set. Yay! It should be edited and online at some point.

Still struggling with the script, our staff are amazing. They are patient yet pushy as needed, which for me appears to be quite neccessary, ha ha. Seriously though, how I am having translating knowledge to practical application on the script is fruatrating. Fortunately our staff have all been there and seeing where they are now is reassuring.

This week has been production and set etiquite (not sure I spelled that right). So much pre-production paperwork. I can't wait to mess with storyboards and other visual stuff. Don't get me wrong, I do love the writing, it's just translating from my brain to the page in word form is hard.

Tonight was sound design workshop. It's very interesting. Also editing might be overwhelming for me but that remains to be seen. Only a couple of weeks until shooting week. Eek! Come on script, get out of my head.

Ok, time to write. Cheers.

I, Robot

I had a good talk with my staff not long ago. I joked about using this title, but I had already set it up and saved it as an empty post. Hopefully things go uphill from here and get sorted. Our staff are awesome, just saying.

Reality Bites

Ok, I just wanted to use that title. It has a double meaning and I like that. Reality bites you, and reality sucks. Ha ha. I'm going with the first one, reality bites you. It sneaks up on you, bites you and it hurts. Nothing has happened I've just been pondering again. When you are searching for stories in your head that are fake or memories, a painful moment pop up, things swirl around and randomness reigns. I should either be sleeping or writing my script, but I hit a wall.

So now that it's the next day and I got my script back I am pondering what was said. I don't know why something is not sinking in. I'm not stupid, so it's something else. Is it my broken brain? The detatchment there? The fact that I don't seem to feel emotions inside so I can't connect to and through the characters? This is seriously the hardest part for me and it shouldn't be. Maybe this is why I haven't written anything in so long. I know writing is hard, but I used to have things run around in my brain all the time. Maybe it's the meds. I thought before I was sacrificing my creativity to function like a "normal" person (aka get up, work a "proper" job, have a social life). Today I don't feel like it's worth it. I'd rather have the crazy and be able to create than to functionally be able to do what is asked of me without really grasping the deep down whys. I am frustrated, tired, and ready to freaking cry (and I don't cry). This is the one thing that makes me want to quit, and I like writing. I also won't quit, no worries there. So yeah, maybe reality bites was a good title this time.

On the other hand I have grasped the practicals fairly well. I see it, and I do it. Bam. No problem (minus the awkward unpracticed bits, lol).

Today we went location scouting. It was kind of fun driving around the city. It's also definitely warming up here. Anyways, I need to figure out wtf is wrong asap and do another rewrite tonight.

Come What May...

Well, I put this title before tonight when we watched this film (Moulin Rouge) because it was a tad symbolic of how I've felt this week. But first, the epic randomness that occured while watching this film. 1) near the end a possum scrambled across the tin roof killing the mood temporarily. 2) My personal favourite was the huge moth that decided to fly up to the projector and it looked like a bird on screen. The best part was it was during Come What May when they were climbing the hill and the duke made the comment about a little frog. The moth flew at the projector and it's shadow was between Ewan and Nicole's heads so it looked like a bird was flying at us on screen. Too awesome.

Today was first test day. It mostly went ok until the end when I just wanted to be done and messed up, aka missed a major section. Oops. Other than that it went pretty well I think.

So I was having an "I can't do this, but I need to. I need to finish as best as I can." moment this week. Then I decided that come what may I will finish and finish to the best of my abilities. One thing I most certainly am is stubborn (that's the Dutch side, lol). I am determined and come hell or high water I will graduate. Rawr! Ha ha. It was a lot of reading and technical stuff this week. It was so hard, but a lot of the problems will smooth out with experience. Also I need to trust my gut with setting up and standing my ground if I think something is off. My gut was right a few times and I didn't listen (I was tired and just wanted to be done, this is bad for a potential director) and it turned out poorly. We're learning, so I keep telling myself. I discovered I love sound mixing and lighting, I figured I would since I've been dying to learn those properly. The practical experience is fantastic.

The script. Yeah, I can't figure out the problem still. I should just go edgy and weird. Maybe next time. Anyways, it is late and my bed is calling me. I think I've averaged 5 hours of sleep each night this week...and I don't care mostly. More later.

The Music of the Night

What happens when you fall asleep while waiting to do an assignment? A 4 am wake up call is what happens. Then you hear so much noise, so many birds. The other night it was a bat eating in a tree 2 feet away from me. Then his wings as he flew away. It was cool.

This week has been rough so far. Revelations, tired and little sleep, a lot of information coming at us. 2nd and 3rd drafts (not going well at the moment due to lack of personal use computer), shooting assignments...oh yeah, we got to handle the equipment. Yay! So exciting! Then we saw the footage. Mine is so bad. Oh well, it should get better from there. This week has been camera, light, and sound. Tomorrow we do lighting. Sound is actually fun and frustrating all at the same time. Today I found some water dragons having noms in the park. I got some good shots on my actual camera. Part of my filming problem is I'm thinking like a photographer, not a videographer. Blargh. Part of the learning curve I guess.

Anyways, again with reading to do before tomorrow.

Sheep Farts in Aspic

Yep, that is how I feel about my stories right now. A great big pile of stink trapped in a gelatinous substance. Ok, they aren't that bad, I'm just being hard on myself and I really wanted to use that title. It was a win win situation for blogging.
This week is writing week, which I'm loving. Rules that are more like guidelines are most helpful and direction giving other than "write a story you want to film and pitch it". I don't know what I want to film in a 7 minute film. Now I may be able to pull something together, even if I am too hard on myself and hate it.
Story writing has been hard so far. Writer's block, unpracticed skills, medication, depression, deliberate emotional walls up, a combination of all of the above is making that aspect hard and frustrating. I also suck at conclusions and run-ons are my best writing skill. It's super challenging but I love it at the same time. I love stories so much.
One thing that I learned last week was about how you have to be vulnerable to write/tell stories. Argh. So hard to do and tear down well defended walls to be able to be that. It may have started and maybe that's why I got hysterical during the short film (which I'm not sure I can watch again without laughing hysterically). Once there's a crack it's trying to squeak out through this crack all at once and they leak out blended together. Hysterical laughing and crying over the unladylike sleeping woman made a crack. Perhaps 4 cups of tea back to back can also be blamed. Whether it is the tea or not is irrelevant really, but it's fodder for filmmaking so I just gotta let it flow. Now if I see a super sad movie tonight I will bawl like a baby. Oh darn, toilet cleaning and story writing so that won't happen. Ha ha.
Today my cat friend's tabby friend let me touch it. Yay, progress! Here's my cat friend to leave you with as I go write.

Call of the Wild Geckos

This was supposed to be posted a few days ago. Technical difficulties.

One of my favourite sounds is geckos. I don't know why, I just love their chatter. I always look when they talk in the general direction of their tickng.

It's been lovely during the day, at night it's been cold. It works, I'm buried in my borrowed bedding.

This week was writing. It was so hard. Writing under pressure when you're out of practice is frustrating. It was script writing, story development, character development etc. Yep, hard. I think I'm learning and retaining. I've taken heaps of notes to go back to if I need to.

The interesting thing is that I think I've been really bored with the world and the more bored I get the more the depression and anxiety acts up aka the world doesn't feel worth living in. I figured this out either yesterday or today. The challenge of the course I thought would make me go crazy and I'd freak out and have a breakdown. The first week came close, but I think that was lingering jet lag and my body cycling out of the previous down phase. Instead I've been stressed over the workload, yet happy as a clam this last week. I love it. Now if I can fix the mistakes in the script and keep improving then yay.

My classmates are amazing and the staff is as well, lol. They keep telling us we will think they're evil and that they hate us. So far nope. I just have been seeing it as helping us to improve our skills. I'm in Australia at film school. I refuse to let it get to me. I am in the middle of an amazing opportunity and I'm going to enjoy all of it. The good, the bad, and the difficult. I may get frustrated, but that's what fuzz therapy (cats) and walks are for. I wish I'd brought my exercize clothes though.

I found a boxed cereal that I wish I could import. Not very sugary and tastes pretty good. It's my snack food to try to reign in the bad snacking. Good thing I'm broke, ha ha.

Tish came by for a study break bearing a value pack of Tim Tams and frozen Coke. Yay! It was much appreciated. Speaking of studying, I have 3 stories to finish, an editing tutorial, and my second draft to finish so I had better get back at it.

Whom Do You Serve?

It's been a crazy week so far. We get to watch 2 movies a week that are deep, sometimes intense. Tonights was a rough one (Dogville). For most of my friends I don't recommend it.

Other than the technical teaching (story basics, pitching a film idea) we were taught on worldview. It was very interesting. I don't know about the others (due to the age gap), but it was more clarifying and putting labels on things I have seen over the years. It made me aware of how the very common post modern worldview has started to infiltrate my thinking as my sphere of contact and social websites have grown and influenced me. I have never really liked the term influenced because it is powerful yet feels like it is subtle and not a conscious choice. That, however, is another topic I started in a notebook back home. I'd have to dig it out before I expound on it. Got off topic, sorry. It just reiterates how I need to keep the foundation of my worldview that is not as wrong as people want others to think it is.

The workload has begun to be heavy, and it is only going to get worse. My infection is slowly going away, but I got some vitamin C/zinc/garlic pills to give it the extra kick. I swear it isn't contageous, but I've been trying to be careful anyways.

The cat up the street comes to see me every time I walk past and it's outside. Today I thought it wasn't going to let me leave, then a man came up the street and it ran back to its chair. I also got caught in a rain storm, which did involve thunder and lightening. It was a bit close to me. After I got back there was a rainbow at sunset. The best part was how the angle was different than I'm used to. It went higher up like a huge circle vs the lower angle ones I'm used to from home.

Anyhoo, I have a tonne of reading to finish by tomorrow. It turns out the reading is the hardest most frustrating part for me, for no reason other than the volume of it in the time frame neccessary. Pray I don't lose my mind over the course of the next few months.

A Little Fall of Rain

The week started off beautiful and sunny. Alas, the weather changed two days ago. It is now rainy and cold and even the Canadians are whining. In all fairness we did come from 30°C summer.

Homework is on the list for this weekend and is a slow progress. At least now I believe I have all films for the 5 essays picked out. It has been proven that being in front of a camera is still not my thing. Oh well, it should be funny to watch. :D We have been told our lectures will be the equivalent of 2 years of university lectures. Eek! It is apparently also one of the hardest most intensive YWAM schools. In the end it will be worth it and I will have tea for blood. Currently the biggest hurdle is going to be lack of a laptop. Simply due to the fact that I have to be in the office to type stuff up and I tend to get distracted by comings and goings etc. I guess that is what an ipod and headphones is for. I'm excited for the films we are going to watch for school. It sounds lile some good ones for sure.

I guess it is time to attempt essays/notes for said essays again. Until next time...

You Shall Not Pass...

I keep losing my posts. This is the third one and I'm over it. Ha ha. So finally got Wi-Fi today. Everyone is pretty awesome so far. My camera avoidance techniques have been hit and miss. Good times.

I've run through the gauntlet of emotions. Exhaustion, giddiness, terror, etc. It's pretty interesting. My jet lag isn't too bad anymore, but it still has moments of insanity that are completely different from my normal ones.

Oh, we drove past McDonald's and they have frozen Coke. It's exactly what it says and it is so good. No Slurpees, but this is better.

I thought I wasn't going to get into Australia. 7 hours sleep over 48 hours means jittery body language and inability to think and focus. That meant officer noticed and had me pulled aside because things didn't make sense. In the end it got sorted and I got in the country. My original story typed up was way better and more detailed. :D Basically I had no idea what I did wrong until he asked about the YWAM as I hadn't mentioned it yet. In all fairness he asked about my Brissie friends so I talked about them and it got messed up and didn't make sense. Ha ha.

So anyways, so far not a lot of sightseeing (obviously) but that will come later. Feels like nap time so more later.

Just Pointing Out...

That I really suck at packing. Ha ha. I overthink then overpack then overthink somemore then get frustrated then type poorly. Tomorrow is the big travel day, which I am currently too tired to be excited about. Also Wobbs is guarding my chocolate stash. So see you when I get to Australia. :D

O Captain, My Captain

There has been a lot going on with school prep, work, and life in general.

As you all obviously know I've had a hard 20 year battle with depression. So it's only fitting to start with a major comedic icon's death. We all have heard about it, we all have been shocked and processing it. Again the endless questions of why he did it, which turn introspective (as an introvert it is unescapable) and you ask yourself "Will that ever be me? When may I reach that point?" It may never be me, but having fought it personally the question always pops up with the sadness of another one losing their fight. The hardest part is not becoming desensitized to it and thinking "There goes another one, how sad." while remaining numb and blind to the actual problem. Not everyone understands mental illnesses, that's fine. The key to remember is to learn about it to help others deal with it even if you don't understand or agree that it really exists the way it does. It is real the way it exists for people so before saying anything remember to think before you speak. Ask yourself if the "advice" is going to help or hinder. Everyone is different and the common "helpful" advice may not be as helpful as you intend it to be. Rest easy, Robin. Your fight is over.

Ah school. I finished my last shift at work before I leave last night. I even cleaned out my locker. It still hasn't really sunk in that I fly out the day after tomorrow. I'm making only a bit of progress through the list of films, but it's working out rather well. I borrowed a bunch of them, but I'm picking the ones I want to see most. The hardest part is wanting to jump in and do a lot of rescue stuff, which I can't do. So here I sit on a fabulous day contemplating films, life, the universe, and everything.

I guess I had better get back at it. Packing etc still to do.

Much To Do About School

Thing have been hectic the last week, more so than normal. I've been trying to finish up the remaining paperwork and to get the visa and flight sorted out. I am now down to one bit of paperwork left: the arrival information. Yesterday saw the flight booked, and the acceptance of place sent off and the day before the visa application which was approved in minutes. God is bringing this all together so fast I don't know how I can be so calm. I feel like I should be freaking out, especially with the anxiety disorder (which is fortunately dormant). However I'm not. It's awesome and crazy, which is how I like things to be.

I think about the school, what I will learn and what I can do with it after, and I hear/read the news. I remember something a house church friend said to me: I should make documentaries. So as I see so any biased opinions that will not take other positions into consideration because the other person is wrong it makes me angry knowing there are two sides to the stories and in the middle is the truth. It makes me want to expose that truth, and the truth as both sides see it. I still want to make awesome fictional films, I love a good story. I also know that as much as documentaries can be slanted to the filmmakers view, which isn't always neutral. I keep thinking a good documentarian puts their opinions aside to show how things really are. These are things I'm going to be musing on over the next few months as well as updates on life in Oz.

Prayer requests:
Money to pay off the flight
Money to cover Oz needs
Work changes their mind and gives me an LOA as opposed to my quitting
NZ visit if possible (I miss my friends, yes it's a tad selfish, if it's not meant to be then so be it. We'll survive.)

Ch-ch-changes and Dreams Come True.

Well, it's been a long time and thank God I'm still alive. I was just going to start another fb page then I remembered about this. I'll try to link it to my fb. So updates. As I said I survived the last big low 4 years ago (yay!) and as of next month I am going to Australia for a film school with YWAM. :D I'm super excited for this and to finally learn the technical aspects of making a movie. It's been a whirlwind two weeks leading up to this, but it is all God. Knowing it is all Him and not having money for the visa or airfare, or living expenses for that matter, I know that money will come in. It has before. When I was in house church at girls night someone (I don't remember who) said that Jacob worked 7 years for Leah and another 7 years to see the dream fulfilled. I worked at the senior's home for 7 years to the day (yes, I made my last day that day specifically and symbolically). It has been another 8 years since then, however I lost a year to my last mental illness relapse. So it has been 7 years of working again to get to the dream fulfilled. If that isn't God then I don't know what is. ;) In the mean time if anyone/everyone could pray for the $5000 needed for visa, airfare, and living expenses in Australia to come in that would be great. I'm going to set up a way to donate via paypal if anyone feels led to help out. So exciting and so much to do I had better be off. Blessings and much love.