Heh heh, yeah. I don't mean physical close up, I mean internal soul baring. Next part of growing pains really. Although there is no way to prepare for that, you just have to let it happen. I've never been good at intimacy, even with friends. I still have trouble looking at people while conversing. Not because I don't care about them or what they are saying, but because of the crushing discomfort and unease inside me. I can choose to keep going like that or I can choose to overcome it and the root causes that have me so on edge.
Choices. Everything in life is a choice whether we think it is or not. You choose how to behave based on what you've been taught and your past circumstances. You choose based on what you want, feel, etc. I didn't choose to have clinical depression (that's physical) but I can choose how to deal with it and, as difficult as it is, how much of my life I let it control (I let it control me too long). I choose whether I go alone or let God guide me in life.
As a director you are responsible for everything that happens on your set. Mistakes, bad choices, good choices, things left behind. If someone leaves something behind it is still on you to have made sure it was loaded up. It's a crappy position to be in sometimes, but there has to be a centre that all the parts connect to that keeps the filmmaking machine working.
Mistakes happen, bad choices happen. Taking responsibility for it and owning it is massive. I screwed up today. I felt sick thinking "Oh no. I'm in big trouble." I came back and immediately took responsibility for it. It didn't matter who else was involved, I made the decision and I had to own that. There is a power in owning your decisions and mistakes. The circumstances don't control you if you own it and deal with it. Will there be consequences? Absolutely. There always should be if needed. As long as you learn feom the mistakes and strive not to do them again. Who do you respect more, one who owns their mistakes and admits it or one who covers it up and tries to pass it off on someone else?
It takes a strong person to buck up and face the music. May we all be that person.
Yes, I wrote love on my arms in multiple languages instead of having a panic attack.
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