Well I just wrote that on facebook so here I am with it now. How do I describe what it's like? Basically when I'm unwell, having depression and anxiety symptoms, I have less energy than normal. I don't like to interact with people as that takes away the energy to even eat or have a shower. So in those moments I shut people out. I withdraw from the world. I have no enjoyment in my work, even films which I would rather be doing and getting out of bed may be hard some days, but for that it is so worth it. This happened for a good 3 weeks since NZ and a lot during SDF (due to not being well and the intensity). This week though I have stepped out more. I started implementing my plan I came up with when I realized I have been looking at myself wrong my entire life (if you want to know what that means shoot me a message and I'll let you know, it's not like I'm the only one but it's a bit long to talk about). I am being more open and vulnerable and I kind of hate it but it's what needs to be done. I hate one on ones because I have to talk to someone face to face and be open and whatnot about the stuff I hate talking about. Avoidance doesn't work with said one on one either, I tried. Ha ha ha. So anyways this week I may have had a cold, but I felt more alive than I have in so long. I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am surrounded by amazing people and I should show them that more often. Last night Hanna and I had an awesome conversation where I finally opened up properly and we both gave to the conversation and had awesome bonding session. Which is great especially if we are going to be working in the same proximity for as long as it looks like we are going to be, ha ha ha. I don't always sensor my conversations with people, it's just what I choose to reveal and what I don't. I tend to be a pretty open book, if I don't want to answer a question then I will say so. Otherwise I'm in a spot of ask away. Partly because it helps me process and explain things so I sometimes have revelations of the situation as a result. This helps me not hold on to it and deal properly with it. I think maybe more people should have awesome people to help them get crap out of their heads so they can deal with it or even just be open and vulnerable themselves. I'm expecting these revelations to make me more confident and a better filmmaker as well. I'm good at observation, but communication needs working on.
I need to go have quiet time. I had some, but I need more before tomorrow. It's the first day of filming tomorrow for the first intern short films. I'm up directing first and so I need to go collect my thoughts and print some stuff off. More thoughts etc as they come up. The photo is more location scouting.
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