Inside Out

Ok, another one even though I said I was going to be offline for the rest of today, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day.

Sometimes in life you go through a pile of poo and it affects the rest of your life, for good or for ill. Last night I realized I have been divorced for 10 years this September. So much has happened in those 10 years and none of it would have happened if it hadn't been for that divorce. I wouldn't have gone to the house church and learned about DTS. I wouldn't have gone to DTS and I may even be dead as a result of staying stuck, not doing what I was made to do, and then the clinical depression winning. I would not have heard about SDF and I wouldn't be sitting on this dorm floor in Brisbane (exactly the place God told me to go to film school before the school existed). It's crazy the awesomeness that came out of it. The unconditional love and friendships that have developed are some of my most treasured things in life. (Also having a best friend, Jenny, who walked through all of the crap of the last 15 years with me so patient and supportive through all of it. I think it helped solidify our friendship.)

There is the other side though. The rejection (the now wife, then new girlfriend, is "like you only better") and feelings of not being worth anything. The walls being built and not budging to be brought down. The lack of belief and trust in people until you realize they love you as is. The lack of confidence in yourself. There's so much more but I think those are the main longest lasting ones.

When I came back from DTS I had changed, some of that stuff was worked out but not all of it. I took a chance and got hurt again badly a few years after. Again the walls etc were back in place. I found out how much my friends cared about me and loved me. That got me through. I was already well into a depression before that relationship started but I didn't recognize it. I was starting to sink again just before I came here. One of the things with the school is we have to have one on ones with a staff. I am pretty blunt and honest, but I do not like to open up. I also divert the topic if it makes me uncomfortable. Fortunately my one on one was really good and for some reason I would blurt stuff out I don't like talking about. It helped me figure out why somethings are the way they are and what I need to change. Also in the school it was brought to our attention that filmmakers have to be open and vulnerable as if you don't feel it your audience won't feel it. Well, that was the kicker for me. That made me struggle through the first half at least of the school until I was broken. I did better at that, and it showed in my final film project, yet it still wasn't enough. Then we graduated. When we watched the confessionals a lightbulb went on. I saw myself from the outside for once and realized I have been seeing myself wrong my entire life. So then I thought about what I had to do to reflect that from inside. I had a minor bout of depression and also a concussion, so between the 2 of them I wasn't capable of implementing anything. Then I was talking to said one on one person again and he encouraged me to start small. So I did and it all exploded from there. I have finally opened up completely to my fellow interns. I have put myself in a vulnerable position with them as friends, and it has done nothing but solidify our friendships. It is awesome. I am making major progress and it is good. I can take constructive criticism and not get annoyed at being told what to do (all the strong willed people raise your hands with me, ha ha).

I feel it. I feel different. I feel free. I feel love for everyone I know. I know who I am as a person and in God. I actually feel is probably one of the biggeat things I've noticed. I don't feel nothing but I actually feel and recognize emotions. As anyone with clinical depression can tell you, feeling nothing is the norm for it.

So now that I've blurted it all out I must sleep. I need to be up early for Christmas service.