Taken from a Facebook note.

I realize that not everyone understands what is going on with me, nor do they want to read it all over facebook. I realize it may seem like I'm being overly dramatic when I post a status like the one I did yesterday when I just can't take anymore. I'm exhausted, answering questions, having to converse with people, going to the doctor and counselor, running here and there when I can barely get out of bed. It takes it's toll. What people need to realize is this is just as horrible as it feels. I can not function properly. I know there are worse things in the world right now (floods etc) and in comparison my life is great. However, there is a chemical imbalance in my brain that will not let mefeel better. It's not just being sad about something or overly stressed (although the stress doesn't help) , it's a physical problem that manifests itself in my mood. That's why it's a mental health thing, that's why it's called a mood disorder. Clinical depression and anxiety disorder (my problems), they are just as powerful as bipolar, schizophrenia, OCD, etc. I can not control them right now, nor am I willing to let them control me for the rest of my life. Here's an example of what it's like. *disclaimer: I'm not going to do anything stupid just giving an example of how my brain functions at the moment don't worry.* I think (because of the depression) that no one would really miss me if I didn't exist. So maybe I just shouldn't exist. Even though I know that the opposite is true, it still seems that way because of my brain not working properly. I think that I'm useless and have nothing to look forward to, no talents and nothing special (trying to find a way to prove that's not true), and it would be easier just to give up. Now you see why it is so exhausting to fight those sort of thoughts and why I can't focus on much/anything. When I am constantly fighting the thoughts like that and trying to not let them get to me, it is more difficult to function. I know it will pass, it has before, but please be patient with me and status updates like that one. It's not something that can just be gotten over by doing something fun and getting over it. The things that are supposed to be fun for me and that I love, I'm just there. They aren't giving me a sense of any satisfaction or feeling of anything other than barely there. I'm doing my best to keep it off of Facebook, but sometimes it is too much and spills over. I spent the last 2 days running between the doctor and work for paperwork reasons. Running into people who care (and some that don't but just want to be in the know) and talking to them about things (not everyone got talked to about what's going on). The day before yesterday I was so exhausted when I got home that I sat in the armchair for most of 7 hours straight unable to move. Yesterday I was talking to Joe at work and I almost started crying (I was on the way out and had reached my limit), then I started crying on the way home because I hated the panic and the feeling like crap and I was exhausted and frustrated and fed up. That was after being there for less than 15 minutes. Ok, I think I've lost my train of thought again. I have to go crawl under my covers again and hide or something. Sorry it was so long and again, I'll keep trying to keep it off of Facebook, I know not everyone wants to hear about it on here.

PS I also want to quote this part from a status: "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! *bursts into tears*"

The comment I made after: "I have a song stuck in my head it goes 'Will you rescue me? Can you get me out alive? I'm trying to hold on but I have lost my will to fight.' It's by a Christian band, so they're talking about God, but it is exactly how I feel right now, defeated like I can't keep fighting (even though I will, obviously)."