I think my depression and anxiety disorder would be better dealt with here than facebook. That way whoever wants to read it can as opposed to having everyone on FB read it whether they want to know or not.
So as of right now I have just restarted the medication. I was off of it for 6 years...almost. This disorder was first dealt with 10 years ago, it took 4 years to get to the point where I could go off the medication. So I think this episode started in January and ran all the way through until now. I didn't know it, I didn't recognize the signs. I thought it was just stress and boredom, maybe it was partly. Then there was an event that blindsided me (choosing to leave him out of this, it shall be referred to as the incident of the 18th, or just the incident) and whatever fragile remainder of control I had I lost. So in the last 2 1/2 weeks I have been dealing with both those things, and I finally went to the doctor. I couldn't think, or focus. At work (this was happening on occasion before the incident) I would just stare at the food with nothing going through my head and I had no idea what to do with it, yet I did but my body wouldn't co-operate and scan the darn groceries, until the customer said something to me. I couldn't sleep or eat or get out of bed...still can't sleep and eating is hard to do as well. I took off for what was supposed to be a week of nothing, just alone/down time to try and recover. I went to the beach I grew up at, went to my friend's house where it wasn't in the city and quiet, went to my sister's and pet the 2 1/2 week old kittens. While that was all good it didn't do any good, and I ended up having to come home early because I just couldn't handle it. I still had break down moments, depression, panic attacks, inability to function. I think not showering for 3 days fits in that list too, and not being able to clean the cat box. I also got 2 weeks off of work from the doctor, I'll probably end up with more next time I'm in there.
So here I am day 2 of the medication. So far the upset stomach, insomnia, and headache side effects are all present and accounted for. The hyperactivity this morning I wasn't prepared for, but when that wore off, that really wore off. As I discovered this evening, I still don't want to/can't be around people, I had a panic attack while trying to go see a movie I desperately wanted to watch. I went into the video store to wait and felt it coming, the room spun a bit and my head started to pound as well. I could feel my heart racing and thought, "I'm not going to make it through a 2 1/2 hour movie if I can't even last 5 minutes in the video store." I went outside and tried to psych myself up for it. I was nearly there when people started to show up and I could feel it rising again. So I left, after a 20 minute long losing battle with myself. I cried a bit on the way home, and a bit at home. I'm so disappointed and frustrated by this. I know that even leaving the house solo was a step up, but still I REALLY wanted to see that movie and it's the last night. I tell myself I tried, but wasn't well enough to see it. Still frustrating and disappointing though.
So I guess that's it for now. More updates as this gets played out.
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