Also known as a contradiction. I hate being alone, I feel alone all the time and I really hate it. Yet I want to be left alone, I don't want to call anyone or hang out with people. The latter is a symptom, maybe I'm not ready to go back to work yet. I'm not sure I can work on this and work at my job at the same time. I can't focus on all that. I'm a mess, but I don't feel entirely like one. I probably should never have gone off the meds in the first place, but oh well what's done is done. I made it 5 1/2 years before it started coming back and 6 before I had to take meds again. Note to self, never go off of them again. There's a plan for me, stuff to do, not sure what that all entails...trips overseas I hope, once I'm back to good (oh and she manages to put a song in there, and Matchbox Twenty at that, lol). For that I need to be better and stay better/under control. The stress of a trip can set you off, that's why I took 10 months to plan the England trip, so I wasn't doing it all at once and stressing. That's why I'm going to the doctor and counselor, I need the tools, I need to be better, I need to be able to look forward and do what I have to do, do what I'm meant to do. Be who I'm meant to be (without joining the army) and with who I'm meant to be with...I just deleted and entire rant that got WAY off topic. One day I may go into the "changed my mind" rant, but it is not this day. (Ooo...now I'm quoting movies, definitely time for bed) As tempting as it is...so now off to bed as I lost my train of thought again. Anyone think I'm being too open or honest in such a public place? Let me know what you think...if anyone is reading this and cares to say something.
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