Grrr...argh...

Frustrated once again. Yesterday I went to Fort Steele with my parents. I spent most of the drive there (and back) terrified, and not because of anyone's driving, ha ha. The panic attacks just aren't going away. I walked around the entire time, except when I went on the steam train and the wagon rides, mostly by myself, sometimes with my parents. I was trying not to be near too many people, that was setting off the panic. I did freak out up the water works tower/outpost, but that was partly vertigo and partly panic. Oh well, the fact was I made it up, woo hoo! I did spend a lot of time petting the Clydes, I can't help it I love that breed, and I pet a cat while there (he liked me, but not other people who weren't petting him properly). I still can't really make decisions or focus on anything, like food or what to do, read, attempt to watch on TV/DVD. I hate the upset stomach still and the lack of appetite, except if I eat my stomach thing tends to go away. 1 week on the medication, most of the side effects are starting to go down, but not entirely. I went to the doctor again today (I have to go every week for a while), I'm off work for another 2 weeks as it stands. I am sleeping better and recognize what I have to do. When the medication kicks in and the side effects go away that should tone down to something resembling normal. The urge to punch people in the face should go away too, irritability being a side effect. Counselor tomorrow. I also had a panic attack the entire time I was at the doctors office. My brain is really not in a good spot today, my typing/thinking is very much not linear and I'm still forgetting lots of stuff. My brain is having trouble retaining much, and it feels like a lot of stuff never happened even though I know it did, but I can't even come up with details of any of those events. I really hate the feeling up from the meds but feeling down inside knowing that I am down. I think I mentioned that before. I guess that means I better be done if I'm getting repetitive. Just proves the point. I hate the mental fixation/ocd tendencies on something, like an object (a certain book I can't find at the store) or a game I'm playing. I try and shut my brain off of it but it just won't stop. Distraction sometimes works, but not always. Anyways, lunch time now. Hope everyone is well.