This week started kind of badly, the dr and counselor in one day, and work to drop off paper work over the course of 2 days. It was really exhausting. Thursday I didn't want to do anything, and was reminded why (even though the thoughts were coming back) I won't do anything stupid and how it would affect those around me. Friday was drive to Kelowna for a football tournament that my oldest nephew was playing in. I was pretty tense for at least the first half of the drive. Put on some music and loosened up (my mom was driving) a bit. Got there, couldn't sleep that night (really have to cut myself off completely from caffeine, I have one cup/can every once in a while and am up all night, plus I can't tell if the meds are working). The next day went really not as bad as I thought it would. My nephew's team won all their games that day, I seemed to be ok. Pretty much keeping to myself when I could and focusing on the games. Unfortunately that was as good as it got. I was so tired I went to bed and slept for 10 hours. The next day I was asked to check the room to make sure we got everything. Big mistake. I tried to get out of it, but couldn't. So I checked the room at least 5 times, left, came back and checked again twice before I could close the door and walk away. Even then my brain was freaking out telling me to check again. I had my head in my hands walking to the car. Mom asked if I was ok, I said no and please don't ask me to do that again. Then it started ok at the tournament for the day, until a kid got hurt on a 3rd and short play. When they came back the ref gave them the ball again when it should have been my nephew's team's ball. Of course the other team scored on the play and cost Abby the win. Then he set up the teams on the wrong side, so he flipped them around but didn't move them back down the field. Abby nearly lost because of it, if it hadn't been for the defence they would have. As a result of the tie and the loss in the next game they lost the tournament because of it. 3-1-1 as opposed to the 4-0-1 they should have been. The winning team was 3-0-2. Needless to say we were all pissed off after the blown game. So the next game Abby played was when I lost it. The Abby moms were yelling at the refs about face masks and why weren't those being called as penalties, as they should be. Some guys called them "...stupid bitches..." I flipped and told him off, how that was completely unnecessary, etc. If the game hadn't still been going I would have punched him in the face. No really I would have. The only thing that stopped me was cheering for Abby. Then some guy called me a sore loser, to which I really lost it. Yelling at him that if his people hadn't called our women "stupid bitches" I would be fine, that we had legitimate complaints, etc. My mom was pulling me away telling me to let it go (that never works), walk away, and that it wasn't worth it. She really had to pull me because I was nearly flying over that fence, and I kept turning around to yell at the guy (who obviously thought it was funny and I was too into things) when in reality I was out of control and nearly going to kick his ass just because of how he was talking to me. I will never live in Kelowna ever if that's how people there are, rude and whatnot to strangers and talk about women that way. Screw that town, see if I ever go back. So on the way home I couldn't stop thinking about it and seeing in my head punching them all in the face. I actually told my mom how close to fighting I was (which is so not me). It took 1/2 hour to stop thinking about it because I put on music, that was the only way I was going to be able to forget. Nearly had another incident, but the car pulled out before I got out of our car in the parking lot. Lucky them. Monday I did nothing, Tuesday I had my appointments, which went well and they were worried about the irritability/near fights. So I got my meds upped to 30 as a result, which has gotten me hyper again. Yesterday I pretty much did nothing again, although I did go for a couple of walks.
I'm starting to notice a bit of difference, so I think the medication is helping. Not quite enough for my liking yet, but enough that I can get up and attempt to do stuff. I've pretty much forgotten about the rest of life. Partly being so focused on getting better and partly my brain just can't retain anything yet. This year is a blur that feels like it never existed. The Olympics are the only thing that stands out as actually happening, like it was real but it seems forever ago. The rest of it just isn't there. I still feel empty, like there is nothing inside me. Like I'm missing. I had a bad dream one night that I was out walking and ran into my ex and I asked to borrow his knife. He gave it to me and asked if I was ok, because I didn't look good. I could see myself and I had a very vacant expression. I said to him "No, I feel empty. I'm not sure there's anything or anyone inside me. I should find out." Took his knife and cut right down my arm from my elbow to my wrist. Not fun to wake up to especially when you actually feel that way. Then I think to myself "just get a tattoo if you want to deliberately hurt yourself." So I'm planning out tattoos that I may or may not get just to keep myself from doing that stupid thing.
Ok, I think that is all of where I'm at right now. It's been slow, and it's going to get there, I know it is. Thanks again to everyone for your support.
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