Hmmmm....

I just was reading my friend's blog and got to thinking. Maybe I really need to watch Eat, Pray, Love (or read the book or both) for one. For two, I think I need to take a trip and rediscover the me that I feel got lost. The one that was very much present from 2005-2008 (ish). The one I discovered while I was in YWAM. That Island girl in a white girl's body who was relaxed, happy, knew what she wanted and was going to get it until life got in the way. The one who lived out loud. Ok, going to get myself better first though, then I'll contemplate on that some more.

It's been a busy week.

This week started kind of badly, the dr and counselor in one day, and work to drop off paper work over the course of 2 days. It was really exhausting. Thursday I didn't want to do anything, and was reminded why (even though the thoughts were coming back) I won't do anything stupid and how it would affect those around me. Friday was drive to Kelowna for a football tournament that my oldest nephew was playing in. I was pretty tense for at least the first half of the drive. Put on some music and loosened up (my mom was driving) a bit. Got there, couldn't sleep that night (really have to cut myself off completely from caffeine, I have one cup/can every once in a while and am up all night, plus I can't tell if the meds are working). The next day went really not as bad as I thought it would. My nephew's team won all their games that day, I seemed to be ok. Pretty much keeping to myself when I could and focusing on the games. Unfortunately that was as good as it got. I was so tired I went to bed and slept for 10 hours. The next day I was asked to check the room to make sure we got everything. Big mistake. I tried to get out of it, but couldn't. So I checked the room at least 5 times, left, came back and checked again twice before I could close the door and walk away. Even then my brain was freaking out telling me to check again. I had my head in my hands walking to the car. Mom asked if I was ok, I said no and please don't ask me to do that again. Then it started ok at the tournament for the day, until a kid got hurt on a 3rd and short play. When they came back the ref gave them the ball again when it should have been my nephew's team's ball. Of course the other team scored on the play and cost Abby the win. Then he set up the teams on the wrong side, so he flipped them around but didn't move them back down the field. Abby nearly lost because of it, if it hadn't been for the defence they would have. As a result of the tie and the loss in the next game they lost the tournament because of it. 3-1-1 as opposed to the 4-0-1 they should have been. The winning team was 3-0-2. Needless to say we were all pissed off after the blown game. So the next game Abby played was when I lost it. The Abby moms were yelling at the refs about face masks and why weren't those being called as penalties, as they should be. Some guys called them "...stupid bitches..." I flipped and told him off, how that was completely unnecessary, etc. If the game hadn't still been going I would have punched him in the face. No really I would have. The only thing that stopped me was cheering for Abby. Then some guy called me a sore loser, to which I really lost it. Yelling at him that if his people hadn't called our women "stupid bitches" I would be fine, that we had legitimate complaints, etc. My mom was pulling me away telling me to let it go (that never works), walk away, and that it wasn't worth it. She really had to pull me because I was nearly flying over that fence, and I kept turning around to yell at the guy (who obviously thought it was funny and I was too into things) when in reality I was out of control and nearly going to kick his ass just because of how he was talking to me. I will never live in Kelowna ever if that's how people there are, rude and whatnot to strangers and talk about women that way. Screw that town, see if I ever go back. So on the way home I couldn't stop thinking about it and seeing in my head punching them all in the face. I actually told my mom how close to fighting I was (which is so not me). It took 1/2 hour to stop thinking about it because I put on music, that was the only way I was going to be able to forget. Nearly had another incident, but the car pulled out before I got out of our car in the parking lot. Lucky them. Monday I did nothing, Tuesday I had my appointments, which went well and they were worried about the irritability/near fights. So I got my meds upped to 30 as a result, which has gotten me hyper again. Yesterday I pretty much did nothing again, although I did go for a couple of walks.

I'm starting to notice a bit of difference, so I think the medication is helping. Not quite enough for my liking yet, but enough that I can get up and attempt to do stuff. I've pretty much forgotten about the rest of life. Partly being so focused on getting better and partly my brain just can't retain anything yet. This year is a blur that feels like it never existed. The Olympics are the only thing that stands out as actually happening, like it was real but it seems forever ago. The rest of it just isn't there. I still feel empty, like there is nothing inside me. Like I'm missing. I had a bad dream one night that I was out walking and ran into my ex and I asked to borrow his knife. He gave it to me and asked if I was ok, because I didn't look good. I could see myself and I had a very vacant expression. I said to him "No, I feel empty. I'm not sure there's anything or anyone inside me. I should find out." Took his knife and cut right down my arm from my elbow to my wrist. Not fun to wake up to especially when you actually feel that way. Then I think to myself "just get a tattoo if you want to deliberately hurt yourself." So I'm planning out tattoos that I may or may not get just to keep myself from doing that stupid thing.

Ok, I think that is all of where I'm at right now. It's been slow, and it's going to get there, I know it is. Thanks again to everyone for your support.

Taken from a Facebook note.

I realize that not everyone understands what is going on with me, nor do they want to read it all over facebook. I realize it may seem like I'm being overly dramatic when I post a status like the one I did yesterday when I just can't take anymore. I'm exhausted, answering questions, having to converse with people, going to the doctor and counselor, running here and there when I can barely get out of bed. It takes it's toll. What people need to realize is this is just as horrible as it feels. I can not function properly. I know there are worse things in the world right now (floods etc) and in comparison my life is great. However, there is a chemical imbalance in my brain that will not let mefeel better. It's not just being sad about something or overly stressed (although the stress doesn't help) , it's a physical problem that manifests itself in my mood. That's why it's a mental health thing, that's why it's called a mood disorder. Clinical depression and anxiety disorder (my problems), they are just as powerful as bipolar, schizophrenia, OCD, etc. I can not control them right now, nor am I willing to let them control me for the rest of my life. Here's an example of what it's like. *disclaimer: I'm not going to do anything stupid just giving an example of how my brain functions at the moment don't worry.* I think (because of the depression) that no one would really miss me if I didn't exist. So maybe I just shouldn't exist. Even though I know that the opposite is true, it still seems that way because of my brain not working properly. I think that I'm useless and have nothing to look forward to, no talents and nothing special (trying to find a way to prove that's not true), and it would be easier just to give up. Now you see why it is so exhausting to fight those sort of thoughts and why I can't focus on much/anything. When I am constantly fighting the thoughts like that and trying to not let them get to me, it is more difficult to function. I know it will pass, it has before, but please be patient with me and status updates like that one. It's not something that can just be gotten over by doing something fun and getting over it. The things that are supposed to be fun for me and that I love, I'm just there. They aren't giving me a sense of any satisfaction or feeling of anything other than barely there. I'm doing my best to keep it off of Facebook, but sometimes it is too much and spills over. I spent the last 2 days running between the doctor and work for paperwork reasons. Running into people who care (and some that don't but just want to be in the know) and talking to them about things (not everyone got talked to about what's going on). The day before yesterday I was so exhausted when I got home that I sat in the armchair for most of 7 hours straight unable to move. Yesterday I was talking to Joe at work and I almost started crying (I was on the way out and had reached my limit), then I started crying on the way home because I hated the panic and the feeling like crap and I was exhausted and frustrated and fed up. That was after being there for less than 15 minutes. Ok, I think I've lost my train of thought again. I have to go crawl under my covers again and hide or something. Sorry it was so long and again, I'll keep trying to keep it off of Facebook, I know not everyone wants to hear about it on here.

PS I also want to quote this part from a status: "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! *bursts into tears*"

The comment I made after: "I have a song stuck in my head it goes 'Will you rescue me? Can you get me out alive? I'm trying to hold on but I have lost my will to fight.' It's by a Christian band, so they're talking about God, but it is exactly how I feel right now, defeated like I can't keep fighting (even though I will, obviously)."

Whee...

Basically the only update is nothing's really changed. Less panic, still terrified for no reason to leave the house and go for a walk, but I don't panic so easily. Especially if I don't look around me, then it's manageable. The rest of it, the depression part, still no change. My mind refuses to turn off, it thinks about things I don't want it to. Then I get an opportunity and my brain tries to talk me out of it, and I know I'm not well enough, but that opportunity is for next fall, so a whole year away. I should be ok by then to do it. I dunno, I'll see. Maybe look into it. I know who would tell me to do it, lol. 2 weeks of meds and I don't notice any change. Grrr....Oh well. Must intake some nutrition now. More as things develop.

More sighs and frustrated grrr's.

Yup, I still can't go into where I work even off duty without freaking out. I tried just to pick up a pay stub, kind of testing the waters, and was freaking out. No way am I ready to go back for work, that will be so much worse. I still feel down, even though there are good things, like meteors that I finally saw (which reminded me that He's not forgotten about me even if it feels like it--He having to do with my belief system, not a person) and the fact that I can pay my bills this month in spite of not getting payed and not working due to stat pay for one day during my off days. I feel defeated. Like no matter what I do or what is good it just doesn't help. It's (again, a very over used yet accurate word for me) so frustrating. So off I go outside to sit in the sun and just try and relax.

Small Victory!!

Today, went rather well considering I started it the way I did and in tears. No panic attacks, not feeling better, but no panic attacks. Oh, and I sat through a movie. :D Baby steps...tomorrow, who knows, but today I took pictures of dragonflies and an iridescent beetle and a butterfly. Minor victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Is so tired...

Tired of everything, tired of fighting my brain, tired of trying. I just want to sleep and stay in bed all the time. I don't want to try anymore to get better. I can't give up though, I can't accept that this would be my life. The status quo is unacceptable, it will get better. It always does, even though right now it doesn't feel like it. Right now nothing I do is helping....lost my train of thought again, darn the lack of focus. When I get it back, I'll be back again.

Another hiccup in the process.

Also known as a contradiction. I hate being alone, I feel alone all the time and I really hate it. Yet I want to be left alone, I don't want to call anyone or hang out with people. The latter is a symptom, maybe I'm not ready to go back to work yet. I'm not sure I can work on this and work at my job at the same time. I can't focus on all that. I'm a mess, but I don't feel entirely like one. I probably should never have gone off the meds in the first place, but oh well what's done is done. I made it 5 1/2 years before it started coming back and 6 before I had to take meds again. Note to self, never go off of them again. There's a plan for me, stuff to do, not sure what that all entails...trips overseas I hope, once I'm back to good (oh and she manages to put a song in there, and Matchbox Twenty at that, lol). For that I need to be better and stay better/under control. The stress of a trip can set you off, that's why I took 10 months to plan the England trip, so I wasn't doing it all at once and stressing. That's why I'm going to the doctor and counselor, I need the tools, I need to be better, I need to be able to look forward and do what I have to do, do what I'm meant to do. Be who I'm meant to be (without joining the army) and with who I'm meant to be with...I just deleted and entire rant that got WAY off topic. One day I may go into the "changed my mind" rant, but it is not this day. (Ooo...now I'm quoting movies, definitely time for bed) As tempting as it is...so now off to bed as I lost my train of thought again. Anyone think I'm being too open or honest in such a public place? Let me know what you think...if anyone is reading this and cares to say something.

Make it stop.

I don't get it, I really don't get it. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It makes no sense. I just want it all to stop. Leave me alone while I need it, please. Just stop, it's not helping. I feel like maybe I can go back to work in a couple of weeks then this happens and I know I can't do it, I just can't do it. I want to crawl in a hole and stay there. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get through this? I just want it to be done and to be better and not be bothered by stupid things. I can't move, I can't breathe, I just want to cry. I hate setbacks. I hate the panicky feeling all the freaking time. I thought I was making progress, I went to the video store. No one was there. Then when people started coming in I freaked out and left. Why? Seriously, why? I'm tired of this, I'm so done with everything. Don't talk to me, don't look at me. The cat philosophy works: If I can't see you then you can't see me and it isn't happening.

PS Not going to do anything stupid so don't worry about that.

Here we go again...

Sorry in advance for the circular/all over the place thinking/typing...

The physical update is that the side effects have pretty much worn off but the medication still hasn't kicked in. That is annoying. I hate waking up and feeling hopeless and not knowing what to look forward to, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I spend a lot of time being frustrated: by people that don't understand and by not being able to fix it and not able to function properly. That is why I'm going to see a counselor though, tools to deal with my disorder and figuring stuff like that out. Too bad my brain is so fried I don't remember much from the session. I actually don't remember much of this year honestly. During when Tyler and I were together, yeah can't remember much of that. For the record I don't get drunk, I might have a couple but not enough to forget everything. Details just aren't staying in my brain. The Olympics, I remember more from that but I was also not as bad as I got later in the year. The panic attacks aren't as bad, maybe I'll try and go rent a movie, but I better decide before I go what to watch or I'll never make the decision, and it has to be shorter, nothing over 2 hours for sure. I still haven't seen 500 Days of Summer, and I've rented it twice to try and watch it. I'm an emotional person, I feel a lot and I feel strongly. I still can't focus and I've been typing this for a good 20 minutes now. Completely lost my train of thought, and it was a good one. Ok, right after another 1/2 hour of trying to remember I'm calling it done. If I remember I'll come back to it.

Today, how I really feel at the moment...

"RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!" She screams in frustration. Some people just don't get it! This is not a cry for attention! Quit looking at me like I'm being over dramatic! Quit telling me to snap out of it! Believe me if I could, I would. Happy thoughts just don't work! Do you really think this is fun for me? Do you think I enjoy not leaving the house, not doing anything at all? Not showering for 3 days on a consistent basis (and not from being lazy)? Wanting to sleep all day every day when my personality is screaming at me to go do something because it's bored? I tried to do something fun, it didn't work! Ok? Get it now? I can't leave the house without panicking right now, how easy does that make it to actually do stuff? I can't freaking concentrate on anything requiring much brain power, so I can't even read a book for goodness sake or watch a movie. It's a real mental disorder, there is a problem with the wiring in my brain! Oh yeah, and no it's not because of him, it's just bad timing it was going to happen anyways. So you can quit asking me that question already. Grrrr!!! End rant.

Grrr...argh...

Frustrated once again. Yesterday I went to Fort Steele with my parents. I spent most of the drive there (and back) terrified, and not because of anyone's driving, ha ha. The panic attacks just aren't going away. I walked around the entire time, except when I went on the steam train and the wagon rides, mostly by myself, sometimes with my parents. I was trying not to be near too many people, that was setting off the panic. I did freak out up the water works tower/outpost, but that was partly vertigo and partly panic. Oh well, the fact was I made it up, woo hoo! I did spend a lot of time petting the Clydes, I can't help it I love that breed, and I pet a cat while there (he liked me, but not other people who weren't petting him properly). I still can't really make decisions or focus on anything, like food or what to do, read, attempt to watch on TV/DVD. I hate the upset stomach still and the lack of appetite, except if I eat my stomach thing tends to go away. 1 week on the medication, most of the side effects are starting to go down, but not entirely. I went to the doctor again today (I have to go every week for a while), I'm off work for another 2 weeks as it stands. I am sleeping better and recognize what I have to do. When the medication kicks in and the side effects go away that should tone down to something resembling normal. The urge to punch people in the face should go away too, irritability being a side effect. Counselor tomorrow. I also had a panic attack the entire time I was at the doctors office. My brain is really not in a good spot today, my typing/thinking is very much not linear and I'm still forgetting lots of stuff. My brain is having trouble retaining much, and it feels like a lot of stuff never happened even though I know it did, but I can't even come up with details of any of those events. I really hate the feeling up from the meds but feeling down inside knowing that I am down. I think I mentioned that before. I guess that means I better be done if I'm getting repetitive. Just proves the point. I hate the mental fixation/ocd tendencies on something, like an object (a certain book I can't find at the store) or a game I'm playing. I try and shut my brain off of it but it just won't stop. Distraction sometimes works, but not always. Anyways, lunch time now. Hope everyone is well.

Sigh.

I missed yesterday. Not surprised really. I didn't have a good day. When the only thing you seem to be able to focus on is Billy the Exterminator for 2 hours straight watching him catch the same stuff over and over, "like" a bazillion things on Facebook, spend an hour compulsively going through status shuffle to see what else there is, and still feel like a crazy person when you know you're not. Yeah. The day before I went out twice (big mistake), yesterday I went to the library with my parents and was having a lot of trouble, my hood went up and I hid & ran away from people. I just can't wait until I'm myself again. This is not me, I hate this so much. I know my brain is broken and I'm working on fixing it, but it still is so frustrating not to be able to do the stuff I want to do, or focus on anything real and useful, or leave the house when there's people around. I even noticed how I walk differently right now. I have to remind myself not to push myself too much or think I'm better than I am due to the medication side effects. I'm not better, not by a long shot. I'm not trying to keep myself down either, just realistic that I can't be better in 5 days. I don't think I have been this bad before, well the depression part was worse, but I never had my brain snap like this before, been close but never there. Although I am sleeping longer now. Instead of 4 hours or 5 before I wake up it's 7. I still try and sneak more sleep in, I'm always tired right now too.

On a cute note, my cat Patra likes to ask me for milk. Ok she never leaves me alone in the kitchen and the way she meows sounds like milk. So I asked her "What? What do you want?" "Maow!" "You want milk?" "Maow!" "I don't have any, see? Where is it?" "Maow!" *rubs my ankles* "Show me where it is." She goes over to the fridge on the side where it opens and sits down and looks at me. She's done this twice and only goes to the fridge when I tell her to show me where it is, she doesn't respond to asking where it is. It's pretty funny.

Ok, that's it for the moment. Moce.

Update time. :)

So update time for the day. Today was day 3 of the medication. This is the part I hate the most, the crazy phase. I feel like I should be locked up just the way I look, look around me, move, feel crappy yet seem not too bad on the outside, jumpy/jittery, constantly fidgeting and talking. As long as I don't talk to myself, especially muttering, I should be ok. I wasn't as hyper, but still very jittery all day. I didn't crash this time though really. Not fun, but I went for a walk this afternoon and one this evening. That's a step up I left the house and didn't panic. Although I nearly did a few times and I was looking all over the place and my fingers wouldn't stop moving, kind of tapping each other. I think if there had been any kind of crowd I would have panicked. People thought I seemed better but I had to explain that it's only day 3 and that was the side effects, not actually better. I'm on an upper while feeling down and until I stabilize I'm not better. Still can't concentrate, slept longer in one stretch last night too. I'm trying not to make the mistake that I feel like I'm better because I'm talkative and leaving the house and feel like I can do anything, when really I'm nowhere near better yet. I had a conversation today that took away one of my stress points, so that was most helpful. I can try to work on my brain better without having to deal with other stuff and suppositions now. I really don't like the upset stomach side effect. If my stomach is empty, the nausea is worse. However, I can't eat either. It is so hard to choke anything down. I can't even drink a can of Coca Cola (which I don't advise anyways, the caffeine on top of the meds is way too much buzz). I should have tea instead, especially herbal or decaf Earl Grey. Mmm...tea.....So anyways I think that is about it for today. No nasty thoughts, well except thoughts of yelling at people and flipping tables over and punching people. I still don't feel like I can be anywhere or do anything for too long, my brain just won't let me do anything. I can't even read a book. It's rotate between flipping channels, even though I know nothing is on tv, and the computer. No movies, no books, no sitting in one place for too long. Except the computer, but when I've run out of stuff to do that interest me on the internet, off I go. So now I have a few messages to write again. Have a good night all.

Hmmm...I think it would be better here...

I think my depression and anxiety disorder would be better dealt with here than facebook. That way whoever wants to read it can as opposed to having everyone on FB read it whether they want to know or not.

So as of right now I have just restarted the medication. I was off of it for 6 years...almost. This disorder was first dealt with 10 years ago, it took 4 years to get to the point where I could go off the medication. So I think this episode started in January and ran all the way through until now. I didn't know it, I didn't recognize the signs. I thought it was just stress and boredom, maybe it was partly. Then there was an event that blindsided me (choosing to leave him out of this, it shall be referred to as the incident of the 18th, or just the incident) and whatever fragile remainder of control I had I lost. So in the last 2 1/2 weeks I have been dealing with both those things, and I finally went to the doctor. I couldn't think, or focus. At work (this was happening on occasion before the incident) I would just stare at the food with nothing going through my head and I had no idea what to do with it, yet I did but my body wouldn't co-operate and scan the darn groceries, until the customer said something to me. I couldn't sleep or eat or get out of bed...still can't sleep and eating is hard to do as well. I took off for what was supposed to be a week of nothing, just alone/down time to try and recover. I went to the beach I grew up at, went to my friend's house where it wasn't in the city and quiet, went to my sister's and pet the 2 1/2 week old kittens. While that was all good it didn't do any good, and I ended up having to come home early because I just couldn't handle it. I still had break down moments, depression, panic attacks, inability to function. I think not showering for 3 days fits in that list too, and not being able to clean the cat box. I also got 2 weeks off of work from the doctor, I'll probably end up with more next time I'm in there.

So here I am day 2 of the medication. So far the upset stomach, insomnia, and headache side effects are all present and accounted for. The hyperactivity this morning I wasn't prepared for, but when that wore off, that really wore off. As I discovered this evening, I still don't want to/can't be around people, I had a panic attack while trying to go see a movie I desperately wanted to watch. I went into the video store to wait and felt it coming, the room spun a bit and my head started to pound as well. I could feel my heart racing and thought, "I'm not going to make it through a 2 1/2 hour movie if I can't even last 5 minutes in the video store." I went outside and tried to psych myself up for it. I was nearly there when people started to show up and I could feel it rising again. So I left, after a 20 minute long losing battle with myself. I cried a bit on the way home, and a bit at home. I'm so disappointed and frustrated by this. I know that even leaving the house solo was a step up, but still I REALLY wanted to see that movie and it's the last night. I tell myself I tried, but wasn't well enough to see it. Still frustrating and disappointing though.

So I guess that's it for now. More updates as this gets played out.