Should be sleeping...

...But I'm not. Last night was so bad, I had trouble falling asleep and then got woken up at 5:30 am (my one cat thinks this is the time she wants me to wake up so she can eat, she needs to know I'm there to eat if I'm on the premises. If not, then she eats whenever...brat) only to fall asleep again around 7:30 am and I had the dr appointment at 9:30 am. So today started badly, it's been agreed that I am to go up to 40 of Celexa next week, if I'm not in the hospital in Cranbrook (3 hours away) that day. It's been over a month and there hasn't been enough improvement and the depression part is so incapacitating (plus the anxiety and OCD tendencies on top of that, which both the dr and the counselor brought up) that it is felt that I need more intense therapy. I feel like once I get out of the bottom of this hole that once I start climbing out it will be fine to just be on the Celexa, but right now it's not and I'm getting something else tomorrow. I can feel that it will be fine, but it's just not coming together yet. I need a boost to get started climbing out, then once I start actually climbing out it should be ok from there. I am officially off of work until Sept 30 at the soonest and I am going to apply for medical EI. I can't remember much since Thursday. I know I did my Friday and Monday walks, but I don't remember. I didn't leave the house other than those from Friday. I tried to do a puzzle, got frustrated, started an easier one that I've done before and then got locked in "must finish the edge parts...must finish the pink parts...finish pink...finish pink...where's all the pink pieces, must finish pink..." Today it was "Must finish trees...I need to finish my palm trees...where's that one piece? F***! Must finish the rest of the land now...must finish it...oh s*** I just started the turtle...must finish the turtle...must finish the turtle...oh crap there's the octopus...must finish the octopus...must finish the octopus...s***, stupid blow fish...etc" You get the point, maybe I could have put less of the animals in the description though. I spent literally 6 hours on Sunday watching Dog the Bounty Hunter. I just couldn't stop, I dunno why. I went for a walk on Thursday, which was a relatively good day, with a friend, but it turned out to be too much and I got laid out again. Plus the upped meds to 30 didn't help that with minor side effects, but the drowsy one is at the forefront right now. I haven't been able to write to people, it's just too daunting. I don't even remember the last time I showered. I'm only able to type this because I don't know how the other meds are going to effect me and I wanted to update before I start those and forget everything, which I do a lot right now. Can't remember so much. I want to work, it's frustrating I'd be getting 40 hours/week if I hadn't been off work, but I know I can't right now and it's just not worth thinking about. I think I just lost it...no wait...I keep having thoughts go through my head so fast, ideas of wanting to paint (I'm not an artist, I can't draw to save my life and I only do photos if I'm going to be artistic, or write rather badly written whatever it is I write) stuff and make pictures. It is a bit therapeutic and I don't have to leave the house to do it, so random crappy abstracts it might be, maybe I'll post photos. Or not, we'll see if I hate it or not. Oh well, I won't know until Tuesday if I am to be going to the hospital in Cranbrook for a bit or not. That thought scares me, I've never been in the ward before. I've not been this bad, or I've been too unwilling. One or the other. I know, bad grammar and use of punctuation. It could be worse. Ok, really off to sleep now. Tomorrow is more meds and apply for EI and that's all I have planned, especially depending on the med side effects. Good night all, I hope for once it is for me.

Hmmmm....

I just was reading my friend's blog and got to thinking. Maybe I really need to watch Eat, Pray, Love (or read the book or both) for one. For two, I think I need to take a trip and rediscover the me that I feel got lost. The one that was very much present from 2005-2008 (ish). The one I discovered while I was in YWAM. That Island girl in a white girl's body who was relaxed, happy, knew what she wanted and was going to get it until life got in the way. The one who lived out loud. Ok, going to get myself better first though, then I'll contemplate on that some more.

It's been a busy week.

This week started kind of badly, the dr and counselor in one day, and work to drop off paper work over the course of 2 days. It was really exhausting. Thursday I didn't want to do anything, and was reminded why (even though the thoughts were coming back) I won't do anything stupid and how it would affect those around me. Friday was drive to Kelowna for a football tournament that my oldest nephew was playing in. I was pretty tense for at least the first half of the drive. Put on some music and loosened up (my mom was driving) a bit. Got there, couldn't sleep that night (really have to cut myself off completely from caffeine, I have one cup/can every once in a while and am up all night, plus I can't tell if the meds are working). The next day went really not as bad as I thought it would. My nephew's team won all their games that day, I seemed to be ok. Pretty much keeping to myself when I could and focusing on the games. Unfortunately that was as good as it got. I was so tired I went to bed and slept for 10 hours. The next day I was asked to check the room to make sure we got everything. Big mistake. I tried to get out of it, but couldn't. So I checked the room at least 5 times, left, came back and checked again twice before I could close the door and walk away. Even then my brain was freaking out telling me to check again. I had my head in my hands walking to the car. Mom asked if I was ok, I said no and please don't ask me to do that again. Then it started ok at the tournament for the day, until a kid got hurt on a 3rd and short play. When they came back the ref gave them the ball again when it should have been my nephew's team's ball. Of course the other team scored on the play and cost Abby the win. Then he set up the teams on the wrong side, so he flipped them around but didn't move them back down the field. Abby nearly lost because of it, if it hadn't been for the defence they would have. As a result of the tie and the loss in the next game they lost the tournament because of it. 3-1-1 as opposed to the 4-0-1 they should have been. The winning team was 3-0-2. Needless to say we were all pissed off after the blown game. So the next game Abby played was when I lost it. The Abby moms were yelling at the refs about face masks and why weren't those being called as penalties, as they should be. Some guys called them "...stupid bitches..." I flipped and told him off, how that was completely unnecessary, etc. If the game hadn't still been going I would have punched him in the face. No really I would have. The only thing that stopped me was cheering for Abby. Then some guy called me a sore loser, to which I really lost it. Yelling at him that if his people hadn't called our women "stupid bitches" I would be fine, that we had legitimate complaints, etc. My mom was pulling me away telling me to let it go (that never works), walk away, and that it wasn't worth it. She really had to pull me because I was nearly flying over that fence, and I kept turning around to yell at the guy (who obviously thought it was funny and I was too into things) when in reality I was out of control and nearly going to kick his ass just because of how he was talking to me. I will never live in Kelowna ever if that's how people there are, rude and whatnot to strangers and talk about women that way. Screw that town, see if I ever go back. So on the way home I couldn't stop thinking about it and seeing in my head punching them all in the face. I actually told my mom how close to fighting I was (which is so not me). It took 1/2 hour to stop thinking about it because I put on music, that was the only way I was going to be able to forget. Nearly had another incident, but the car pulled out before I got out of our car in the parking lot. Lucky them. Monday I did nothing, Tuesday I had my appointments, which went well and they were worried about the irritability/near fights. So I got my meds upped to 30 as a result, which has gotten me hyper again. Yesterday I pretty much did nothing again, although I did go for a couple of walks.

I'm starting to notice a bit of difference, so I think the medication is helping. Not quite enough for my liking yet, but enough that I can get up and attempt to do stuff. I've pretty much forgotten about the rest of life. Partly being so focused on getting better and partly my brain just can't retain anything yet. This year is a blur that feels like it never existed. The Olympics are the only thing that stands out as actually happening, like it was real but it seems forever ago. The rest of it just isn't there. I still feel empty, like there is nothing inside me. Like I'm missing. I had a bad dream one night that I was out walking and ran into my ex and I asked to borrow his knife. He gave it to me and asked if I was ok, because I didn't look good. I could see myself and I had a very vacant expression. I said to him "No, I feel empty. I'm not sure there's anything or anyone inside me. I should find out." Took his knife and cut right down my arm from my elbow to my wrist. Not fun to wake up to especially when you actually feel that way. Then I think to myself "just get a tattoo if you want to deliberately hurt yourself." So I'm planning out tattoos that I may or may not get just to keep myself from doing that stupid thing.

Ok, I think that is all of where I'm at right now. It's been slow, and it's going to get there, I know it is. Thanks again to everyone for your support.

Taken from a Facebook note.

I realize that not everyone understands what is going on with me, nor do they want to read it all over facebook. I realize it may seem like I'm being overly dramatic when I post a status like the one I did yesterday when I just can't take anymore. I'm exhausted, answering questions, having to converse with people, going to the doctor and counselor, running here and there when I can barely get out of bed. It takes it's toll. What people need to realize is this is just as horrible as it feels. I can not function properly. I know there are worse things in the world right now (floods etc) and in comparison my life is great. However, there is a chemical imbalance in my brain that will not let mefeel better. It's not just being sad about something or overly stressed (although the stress doesn't help) , it's a physical problem that manifests itself in my mood. That's why it's a mental health thing, that's why it's called a mood disorder. Clinical depression and anxiety disorder (my problems), they are just as powerful as bipolar, schizophrenia, OCD, etc. I can not control them right now, nor am I willing to let them control me for the rest of my life. Here's an example of what it's like. *disclaimer: I'm not going to do anything stupid just giving an example of how my brain functions at the moment don't worry.* I think (because of the depression) that no one would really miss me if I didn't exist. So maybe I just shouldn't exist. Even though I know that the opposite is true, it still seems that way because of my brain not working properly. I think that I'm useless and have nothing to look forward to, no talents and nothing special (trying to find a way to prove that's not true), and it would be easier just to give up. Now you see why it is so exhausting to fight those sort of thoughts and why I can't focus on much/anything. When I am constantly fighting the thoughts like that and trying to not let them get to me, it is more difficult to function. I know it will pass, it has before, but please be patient with me and status updates like that one. It's not something that can just be gotten over by doing something fun and getting over it. The things that are supposed to be fun for me and that I love, I'm just there. They aren't giving me a sense of any satisfaction or feeling of anything other than barely there. I'm doing my best to keep it off of Facebook, but sometimes it is too much and spills over. I spent the last 2 days running between the doctor and work for paperwork reasons. Running into people who care (and some that don't but just want to be in the know) and talking to them about things (not everyone got talked to about what's going on). The day before yesterday I was so exhausted when I got home that I sat in the armchair for most of 7 hours straight unable to move. Yesterday I was talking to Joe at work and I almost started crying (I was on the way out and had reached my limit), then I started crying on the way home because I hated the panic and the feeling like crap and I was exhausted and frustrated and fed up. That was after being there for less than 15 minutes. Ok, I think I've lost my train of thought again. I have to go crawl under my covers again and hide or something. Sorry it was so long and again, I'll keep trying to keep it off of Facebook, I know not everyone wants to hear about it on here.

PS I also want to quote this part from a status: "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! *bursts into tears*"

The comment I made after: "I have a song stuck in my head it goes 'Will you rescue me? Can you get me out alive? I'm trying to hold on but I have lost my will to fight.' It's by a Christian band, so they're talking about God, but it is exactly how I feel right now, defeated like I can't keep fighting (even though I will, obviously)."

Whee...

Basically the only update is nothing's really changed. Less panic, still terrified for no reason to leave the house and go for a walk, but I don't panic so easily. Especially if I don't look around me, then it's manageable. The rest of it, the depression part, still no change. My mind refuses to turn off, it thinks about things I don't want it to. Then I get an opportunity and my brain tries to talk me out of it, and I know I'm not well enough, but that opportunity is for next fall, so a whole year away. I should be ok by then to do it. I dunno, I'll see. Maybe look into it. I know who would tell me to do it, lol. 2 weeks of meds and I don't notice any change. Grrr....Oh well. Must intake some nutrition now. More as things develop.

More sighs and frustrated grrr's.

Yup, I still can't go into where I work even off duty without freaking out. I tried just to pick up a pay stub, kind of testing the waters, and was freaking out. No way am I ready to go back for work, that will be so much worse. I still feel down, even though there are good things, like meteors that I finally saw (which reminded me that He's not forgotten about me even if it feels like it--He having to do with my belief system, not a person) and the fact that I can pay my bills this month in spite of not getting payed and not working due to stat pay for one day during my off days. I feel defeated. Like no matter what I do or what is good it just doesn't help. It's (again, a very over used yet accurate word for me) so frustrating. So off I go outside to sit in the sun and just try and relax.

Small Victory!!

Today, went rather well considering I started it the way I did and in tears. No panic attacks, not feeling better, but no panic attacks. Oh, and I sat through a movie. :D Baby steps...tomorrow, who knows, but today I took pictures of dragonflies and an iridescent beetle and a butterfly. Minor victory, but a victory nonetheless.