Should be sleeping...

...But I'm not. Last night was so bad, I had trouble falling asleep and then got woken up at 5:30 am (my one cat thinks this is the time she wants me to wake up so she can eat, she needs to know I'm there to eat if I'm on the premises. If not, then she eats whenever...brat) only to fall asleep again around 7:30 am and I had the dr appointment at 9:30 am. So today started badly, it's been agreed that I am to go up to 40 of Celexa next week, if I'm not in the hospital in Cranbrook (3 hours away) that day. It's been over a month and there hasn't been enough improvement and the depression part is so incapacitating (plus the anxiety and OCD tendencies on top of that, which both the dr and the counselor brought up) that it is felt that I need more intense therapy. I feel like once I get out of the bottom of this hole that once I start climbing out it will be fine to just be on the Celexa, but right now it's not and I'm getting something else tomorrow. I can feel that it will be fine, but it's just not coming together yet. I need a boost to get started climbing out, then once I start actually climbing out it should be ok from there. I am officially off of work until Sept 30 at the soonest and I am going to apply for medical EI. I can't remember much since Thursday. I know I did my Friday and Monday walks, but I don't remember. I didn't leave the house other than those from Friday. I tried to do a puzzle, got frustrated, started an easier one that I've done before and then got locked in "must finish the edge parts...must finish the pink parts...finish pink...finish pink...where's all the pink pieces, must finish pink..." Today it was "Must finish trees...I need to finish my palm trees...where's that one piece? F***! Must finish the rest of the land now...must finish it...oh s*** I just started the turtle...must finish the turtle...must finish the turtle...oh crap there's the octopus...must finish the octopus...must finish the octopus...s***, stupid blow fish...etc" You get the point, maybe I could have put less of the animals in the description though. I spent literally 6 hours on Sunday watching Dog the Bounty Hunter. I just couldn't stop, I dunno why. I went for a walk on Thursday, which was a relatively good day, with a friend, but it turned out to be too much and I got laid out again. Plus the upped meds to 30 didn't help that with minor side effects, but the drowsy one is at the forefront right now. I haven't been able to write to people, it's just too daunting. I don't even remember the last time I showered. I'm only able to type this because I don't know how the other meds are going to effect me and I wanted to update before I start those and forget everything, which I do a lot right now. Can't remember so much. I want to work, it's frustrating I'd be getting 40 hours/week if I hadn't been off work, but I know I can't right now and it's just not worth thinking about. I think I just lost it...no wait...I keep having thoughts go through my head so fast, ideas of wanting to paint (I'm not an artist, I can't draw to save my life and I only do photos if I'm going to be artistic, or write rather badly written whatever it is I write) stuff and make pictures. It is a bit therapeutic and I don't have to leave the house to do it, so random crappy abstracts it might be, maybe I'll post photos. Or not, we'll see if I hate it or not. Oh well, I won't know until Tuesday if I am to be going to the hospital in Cranbrook for a bit or not. That thought scares me, I've never been in the ward before. I've not been this bad, or I've been too unwilling. One or the other. I know, bad grammar and use of punctuation. It could be worse. Ok, really off to sleep now. Tomorrow is more meds and apply for EI and that's all I have planned, especially depending on the med side effects. Good night all, I hope for once it is for me.