Sometimes You Need To Say Something...

This is strictly my opinion based on how my brain works. This is not fact as I'm not psychic or personally involved in the situation.

So, I was thinking about the co-pilot that crashed the jet into the mountains. There is far too much speculation without all the facts, of which I'm about to contribute to. I admit it.

Fact 1: He tore up doctor notes saying he shouldn't be working. Ok, currently that is the only hard fact involving the illness.

Fact 2: He loved flying and it was all he wanted to do (another fact that came from multiple family and friends).

Speculation that could be fact: depression set his training back (according to a friend).

If all he wanted to do was fly planes and was having a mental health problem that wasn't being helped by the doctor then what he did makes sense to a point. I will never understand taking 149 other people with him no matter why he did it, that is the part that doesn't make sense to me. Let me explain what makes sense based on what my thinking pattern and experiences have been.

When you are clinically depressed to an extreme that would cause a suicide, you see no hope for ever getting better. No hope for the future and in turn no will to live. So you cling to what keeps you going. Some people cope with drugs to mask the symptoms and for the temporary feelings of anything other than the black hole. Some people cling to objects or the thing that gives them a purpose. That thing could be a job. In the pilot's case it would be flying. He had already missed a lot of training which set his career back and nearly derailed it completely. He fought back and made it. He would also know that if he had a relapse he could lose his career in an instant.

So it makes sense from a depressed person's point of view that he would go to the doctor to get help and that wasn't working so he wouldn't want to lose the one thing that gives him purpose, flying. If he felt that he hit the breaking point and he was going to lose everything then he'd want to end it before he lost the only thing keeping him holding on. It even makes sense he would do it in a plane, but why not fly solo and do it instead of taking out 149 other people. The only other thing that would make that part make sense to me is if he had bi-polar or schizophrenia.

You follow me? I have been near that point, some of my old posts point that out quite well and it is why I have my tattoo for my nephews. Perhaps I am only projecting my thought patterns so it makes sense to me. Perhaps there is an element of truth to it. I'll never know. I just know the feeling like you are going to lose everything and there is no way out.

Ok, spewed that out.

Just so people don't worry. I did another depression inventory (each box has statements valued at 0-3, 3 being the worst and you circle which is most accurate at the moment or over the last week) and my score was down. Numbers don't really mean much if you don't know the test etc. So let's just say over 40 is a dangerous place to be, aka extreme depression. 30-40 is severe, 20-29 is moderate, 10-19 is mild, 0-9 is normal. Granted this can also depend on life circumstances like a death in the family or job loss, but that is different than clinical depression which has nothing to do with being caused by something like that. 20 years later it most definitely is NOT situational aka sadness. Anyways, I was down to 34 I believe. This is on medication. This is also where I am used to functioning in. I don't know that I've been under 30 in the last 20 years, but whatever. I'm not in a danger zone if anyone is actually worried. It's just a body reaction/disease and everything takes more effort than typically is necessary and can make me feel nothing, emotional pain, physical pain. It depends on the day. Most days no one can tell. Like I said, I'm not in any danger of doing something "stupid". I have tools to be as functional as possible and I'm doing really well, even if it doesn't feel like it some days. I'm looking forward to the future and all it holds. My work here on earth is not done yet. So much still to do that God promised so I'm not going to choose to do something to wreck that. I'm going back to Australia in June. I am going to make movies, as crew and director. I will keep fighting.

Love you all.

If I Only Had a Brain

Ok, a properly working brain that doesn't have irrational thoughts and mental illness.

It's Getting Late

Yep, still going with titles or quotes, although not film related.

So I've been back in Canada for 2 1/2 weeks and it has been rough. I got a cold, as expected, a sinus infection from the dust due to winter and the sand spread on the roads. I have been back at work for 2 weeks. It's fine. The job hasn't changed. I have and it makes being there harder.

I got offered a place in the Basic Leadership School, so I am planning on heading back to Oz at the end of June for at least 20 months. Possibly/probably more, currently only God knows. I confess, I can't wait. I have issues with patience, even when I don't have a choice about being patient. Argh. I'm just glad I get to go back.

The problem with being an introvert is I am always in my head thinking about things and stuff. I'm actually a crap planner unless it is meaningful. So there are things I think I know, then I think on it and begin to think I don't really know. In reality who really knows anything? So then I think about faith, which is being sure of what we can't see, and then I want to fight for that thing I think I know. Yep, my brain is all over the place and overthinking. So in faith I am accepting that place in the school with no idea how or who to get support from. In faith I am praying for things and people and claiming things over them. Victory and healing.

I found out on Monday that the Calgary Comic Expo is having a 48 hour film competition. I am so excited. A friend and some of his friends are going to help and crew. Yay!! I get to make another film! It really is all I want to do for a job, filmmaking. So I have to go to Comic Expo for one day. Ok, twist my rubber arm.

I should sleep. Tomorrow is a Skype call, doctor for med refill, and another Skype call. All before noon. Yay!

Seasons May Change

I know it's been a few weeks. The internship ended without the final film being as edited as it should have been. That's frustrating. We played laser tag and I finally got to participate in that. I never got a beach day. Yes, I was gutted that I didn't. I went to study and work, not to have fun and be a tourist in Oz. I accomplished that.

The last week before I left Oz I was trying to put on a happy front, inside I was sad and full of dread to return to the ordinary. The thing about doing something extraordinary is that you become ruined for the ordinary or the extraordinary becomes your new level of ordinary.

So I'm back in Canada, my body refuses to adjust to the time zone, and I have a cold. Whee. Makes for an unfun first week back. However I have seen a few friends, family, and my cats. That helps. I do miss the crew and the work back in Oz. I know I'm going back so that helps. Seasons change, when I go back it will be different than the internship as the internship was from the SDF. Different dynamics. It will be challenging and fun. I can't wait.

So my next steps are work (which I need to leave for shortly), sort out my things, and raise support for going back. So much to do, so little time.

Like I said, I must go to work. Pray I don't injure myself.

These Little Wonders Still Remain

So this morning I was thinking about how people joke about small thing amusing small minds (or simple things amusing simple minds) and it made me a bit annoyed. I simply do not find that to always be true. So my title is a song lyric from a song written for a film. The back story behind it is great. Short story, Rob Thomas wrote it for his dog Tyler (RIP, Tyler). The whole story though is more interesting. When I was at his show in 2009 in Vancouver he told us how it came about. It was pouring rain (in NY City) and he had to take Tyler for a walk. He was hating every minute of it and there was a lot of life things he was dealing with. Tyler, as dogs do, thought it was the best thing ever and was just so excited to be out for a walk with his owner just being. Tyler was so excited by the small things and Rob realized that Tyler had it right and he didn't. So when he got back he wrote the song.

Life sometimes hands you crappy things. It happens. Stress from work, relationships, etc can make you like Rob in that moment. It happens to all of us.

So where is this going? Bear with me as I re-concussed myself a bit.

I have gone through a lot of shit. I have clinical depression, anxiety, now post concussion. I have nearly drowned (at 2 years old), been molested, had bad relationships with controlling or manipulative men, seen a classmate's dead body briefly hanging from a swing set, been physically and emotionally bullied. There have been many moments where I should be dead (I counted 10 at least that for the grace of God I survived). With all these things (and more that I may have forgotten) you would think I would hate the world and everyone in it. I don't.

So here it is. I am easily amused by little things. The little fish that eat dead skin, lizards that are catchable, cats, baby animals, stupid jokes, watching good friends interact, fangirling about actors or shows that I love. I am so unapologetic about it as well. Do I come across like an airhead or a child? Yes, absolutely. You know what though? Some people could use a dose of being like that themselves. Letting go of their jaded cynicism, their past hurts. Some people need to open their eyes and see the world and appreciate those little wonders. I'm not an idiot, I'm not simple or stupid. I'm just appreciating the little things God has given us to appreciate. This week I challenge everyone to keep a list of the little things that they appreciate or enjoyed. Just one week really look for the little wonders in life. Take a picture or write it down. I'm going to hastag littlewonders for at least a week. Join me, you know you want to.

For a Dreamer Night's the Only Time of Day

It has been so long. There has been much filming and stressful preproduction. Our second short films have been shot. I spent the day completely knackered. It was all obviously worth it though.

I fly home in less than two weeks. I'm so torn on it. I want to see my family and friends, yet I don't want to leave here at all. I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and now I have to leave. I know I'm coming back in a couple of months, and it will go so fast, but I just don't want to leave. I will miss everyone here, some of whom will be here when I get back. I want them to come to the airport, but I don't. It's a good thing one of the girls and I are on the same flight to LA. That will make it easier. The hard part will be in LA leaving her when my body is saying it's time to sleep. Stages of goodbyes and travel. Hmmm. Good thing we will have chick flicks for the plane and tears as a result. Ha ha.

God is teaching me faith, perseverance, trust, patience, holding onto His promises and my dreams. Giving those dreams to Him. Good stuff really. I feel like I might actually finally know who I am in Him and can now walk that in confidence. Also I'm a freaking filmmaker! Finally! Ha ha ha haaaa!

On that note my bed is actually calling me again so I must listen so I can work tomorrow.

What's So Great About Normal?

Exactly. Screw normal. It's all relative anyways.

Stand By Me

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hannahjewell/historical-women-who-gave-no-fcks?s=mobile

Ok so that is the article I mentioned on Facebook. I said I should take some lessons from them on not giving a f***. I feel perhaps some clarification is in order.

So as it was pointed out to me, growth is good but unless you have accepted yourself as a person, for who you are at that moment and as God made you, then is it really growth or trying to please some ideal or people? It comes back to, still, task based approval or true growth as a person.

So I know at the moment I should be focused on my current tasks of practical application. It occured to me that how I view myself directly relates to how I view directing. Until I reconcile the one I can't be better at the other. If I am not accepting of myself and confident in who I am as a child of God, how can I be a confident director? I'll always question my sanity for wanting to be a director and question my directorial decisions, but at least it will be going boldly. Oh golly. Flashbacks to a Comic Expo chat with Gates McFadden. In everything go boldly, it doesn't matter what it is. Well, I needed that right now. Hopefully some of you did as well.

So back to the initial growth thing and not giving a f***. I still, for reasons I may not have figured out yet, feel like I'm wrestling with task based things making me a good person or better person. It's wrong. It is so the wrong way to view things. What you do doesn't make you a good person. It is not your identity. What your heart is on the inside is what makes you a good person or not. What God made you to do and be is what makes you who you are. Not some random approval based on someone else's standards. I know this but I don't always act on it properly. If your heart is right and you know who you are in God, all other things will flow from that and it still doesn't matter if people approve, or your church approves. Who cares if you chase lizards or like playing tackle sports. Who cares if you have the most perfect co-ordinated outfit in the room. If you put your (or someone elses) identity and value in those things then perhaps you need to look at yourself long and hard.

So today (since this one has been 2 days in the writing) the pastor was talking about rest and resting in God. Also making a spot on your calendar for your priorities. Good stuff. I was trying to think of the one word I would put on my calendar. I still have no idea, but it was a good sermon and I'll come up with a word later.

In conclusion. I now choose not to let external forces dictate who I am or how I feel about things. I have no f***s to give to what people think or how I should come across or what society thinks is the standard I should live up to. I have only a certain amout of energy and I can't waste it on that. It will suck the life out of me. I will grow. I will finally accept who I am and it will not be task based. That will no longer control me. God made me the way I am and He loves me how He made me. I will keep seeking Him and doing what He asks and I will be confident in it knowing that He put me there for a reason and I can do it with Him.

Ok, peace out.

Agony!

Not really, but having seen Into the Woods the other night that song is in my head and that scene is hilarious.

So there is a lot going on in my head still. I wish they were stories, but mostly it's figuring out who I am, growing, what I'm striving for, changes, why changes or what do some of the growth and changes mean and who they are for.

Today it was a good discussion on that. I feel like right now there are things I need to do to be more professional (like when location scouting etc) when needed. I will always be that t-shirt and jeans and sneakers tomboy. However if I'm going to be taken seriously I feel like I should look the part as well. It comes down to wanting to be the best version of me I can be without losing myself in the process. I never want to lose myself. I always want to be that tree climbing, sports playing, small town dreamer. I just also want to be able to do the job and do it properly. I'm not saying I'm going to turn into a glamazon (although I think wearing heels more often could be fun...see, something must be wrong with me, ha ha ha) but there's a time and a place and I need to fit the role.

Then the question comes of why? Who am I doing this for? Some standard that people expect that is never good enough no matter what you do? Or for me knowing that I am striving to be the best version of me I can be? Or even God, who accepts me as is, so I can properly do the work He has called me to do? Yes to any single one of those is bullshit. Yes to all 3 would be more accurate but the reasons are still self serving to a degree because it is still all about making movies and presentation. Doing what you have to do to fit a role, like actors do.

It comes down to this, as was pointed out to me and is true the more I think about it: I still do not accept myself as is. God does, my friends and family do, but I don't. Bottomline. I see all my flaws and things I don't like. I see my mental illness and eccentric (to a degree) ways and I don't really accept myself. In spite of the working on that internally (which will show itself externally) since I left for NZ after SDF I still find that to me some things are currently seeming insurmountable and I can't fathom how people (and God) can look past those things. I know they do and love me in spite of those things, so why can't I do the same for myself? It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen. I know it will. It's just another thing on my to do list.

Also I think I should use classmates and get them to stand in to take photos and make my storyboards out of. Yeah, that could work. :D No more stick figures and aliens, ha ha ha.

So I need to sleep as I need desperately to write in the morning. Also Unbroken was a very inspiring film and I'd love to read the book.

Who Are You?

So I got thinking about how a person is not their illness (in my case clinical depression and anxiety). It led me down a rabbit trail of being defined by somethings. Somethings being things in your life. Let's use cats as an example (one of many that can be used). In my case people automatically associate me with cats. For good reason, I like them and they like me back. It's fine when people think of or see a cat and think of me. Sometimes it feels like that is all they see though. The movie loving, nerdy, crazy, cat lady. Yep, that's the common association with me. Cats are therapeutic as well, their purrs are proven to be calming and relaxing. That's why I go for "fuzz/kitten therapy" having a bunch of kittens happy to see you and purring does help calm anxiety. Then I get a tad defensive about it because there's nothing wrong with liking cats and it doesn't make me like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons. Anyways, so those things help make up me but they don't define me, even when it feels like it. Some days I feel like I have to maintain that because it is expected. It feels like people forget there is more to me than that. There is more to anyone than a few in your face aspects of their personality and likes and dislikes.

So that leads me to think again about who am I? A person asked me and I didn't know how to answer. I still don't know if I know how to answer it because I feel that it is more complex than just a "woman that has clinical depression, loves movies and cats, is creepily good with faces" type of answer. So that is surface stuff, but deep down who are you really? Why does your behaviour change to suit others? Why should that even matter? Not saying I always do that (change behaviour to suit others, heck no. If you want to think I'm on drugs because I'm excited then that is your issue and not mine) but everyone does at some point. I don't think anyone is truly themselves all the time. I feel like I want to be defined by personality traits that are based on character and not tastes. The little and subtle things. Like ok, being introverted is a pretty defining characteristic that tends to drive how I think and what I do. I'd like to be known by qualities like if I'm a kind person or a selfish bitch (preferably not the latter). Someone who is smart (yes, I know I can seem an airhead, I get lost in my head, but I'm not stupid) and my relationships with God and my friends. These are the things I want to be defined by, not my cats (although you can't hide that ha ha) or nerdiness. There is nothing wrong with those things, but again they do not define me. The more I think on it, the more I realize I know who I am and I need to live that and not what people expect me to be. I try to do that anyways but I don't always come across as confident as I'd like to. Back to the song I've Gotta Be Me. I like the first 2 verses as there is no going it alone in filmmaking and I don't care about having it all:

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am

That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me

A Walk To Remember

So what happens after you have a breakthrough? Usually a slap back, that's what. Something fighting to keep you in the status quo. I knew it was coming, I've felt crap for awhile and the big bad wolf is knocking on my door. I thought I was feeling better, but those were just moments of awesome as opposed to actual doing better. I was over-caffeinating myself on tea or whatever I could get my hands on that was liquid caffeine (but not coffee). Then the anxiety skyrocketed. I want to function normally. I want to not feel off my rocker crazy. I want to have a proper life that isn't a daily fight to do anything. I can hardly watch my own film footage because it's heavy. Yet the only thing I can think to pitch on Friday is serious again. Not as heavy though. So I lie here and question everything I think about my life. I lie to myself and the world every day that I'm "happy" or "fully functional". I'm not. Today I wanted to take a mental health day and go to bed as I was feeling like everything was out of control. I didn't, I just went for short walks from the office. It's worse when I'm in my head and I get pulled out suddenly. I'm an introvert, my brain paths are long and winding to get where they are going to begin with. Blargh. Again, I'm not stopping fighting. I'm just tired of fighting at the moment.

Wake Up, Sweetheart

So I was looking at the last title and I thought it didn't really fit, yet it did because I have tried to run from who I am and failed so I'm over it. That was hinted at, but not really expanded on near the end.

So who am I? Well, I'm not Jean Valjean. (see what I did there?) I feel like I know (I have been asked that question recently) but can I put it into words? Nope, not really. I just show it more than say it because that is how I tend to do things. I can do words on a page but having them come out of my mouth is a different story. Is it fear that stops me? If I speak it out it is solid and true, is that scary? Speaking it out over myself. Am I really that self-focused? I don't think so as I hardly think about these things until they are brought up.

Like today. Someone pointed out something that it turns out is an uncomfortable truth. I don't know this person all that well, but sometimes this person says things that make me aware of issues that need to be resolved. I don't like it and I've been told not to let it bother me. It doesn't bother me, it's just that I apparently haven't dealt with it like I thought I had. We are all constant works in progress, the key is to actually do the work or let the work be done on us.

One thing I'm coming to terms with is my tomboy streak. It will never go away. I may always be more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt or sports tank tops etc. I want to keep it like that forever, however due to the path I have chosen to walk down I need to have a more professional attire. I have actually been looking at skirts and dresses and nice looking shirts going "Oh, that's cute. I'd wear that." Of course I followed that up by looking at the Aisics attire in the sports clothes shop so I'd feel more normal again. It's funny, I laugh at it. I have to accept that I can still be me while fitting a working role. It weirds me out though. It doesn't seem right after this many years of not caving to societal pressure. Oh well, it was something I learned from watching The Devil Wears Prada a few weeks ago and the post film discussion. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, just don't lose yourself.

I constantly question if being a director is the road I am to take. I know there are other directors that question why they put themselves through it. We're masochists for our method of communicating is what I think it is. Story is how I show my insides that are finally letting themselves out for a walk. (Ok, the mental picture of my physical insides doing this means only one thing, I should go to sleep.) Already I have done this and it will only keep going.

Anyways, I have to go write a fictional story now that will probably be weird and have aliens or something. It's not for a script this time. Ha ha.

We Can't Just Run Away From Who We Are

Well, I thought I had one going for the last few day, but apparently not. This year so far has been hit and miss. Mostly hit. Today we ladies watched Brave after work and had popcorn. I ate so much I may not need breakfast. It is going to be a year of many changes and walking in faith. I know what I am to do, it's just doing it and not letting the obstacles obscure my vision of where the road leads.

Hanna suggested Brave was perfect for us because we are being brave just to be here and walking the road we have chosen. It's true. It's a scary road that twists and turns and has obscured destinations and forks. We won't see them until we get there.

Saturday, here, we finished filming the last bits for the film I'm directing. I got some more advice from the actors and I need to figure out how applying that looks for me as a person.

Today I watched footage and had a few issues with the computer so no editing has been started yet, but it wil be worked on and finished by Friday. It's been a stormy day today, and I love it. Saturday started with a storm while getting ready to film so we had to rearrange filming locations and times. Cancelling was not an option as far as I was concerned.

I have realized that my films are real. I don't mind it, I actually think it's a great thing, but I want to do a not so serious one next. The last two were pretty heavy and watching that stuff is hard emotionally. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. It means people will relate and perhaps have a change for the better in their lives. That is really what I want to do. Make an impact and make people think about their lives and re-evaluate where they are and what they are doing.

Anyways, bed is calling and tomorrow requires brains again. Goodnight all.