Agony!

Not really, but having seen Into the Woods the other night that song is in my head and that scene is hilarious.

So there is a lot going on in my head still. I wish they were stories, but mostly it's figuring out who I am, growing, what I'm striving for, changes, why changes or what do some of the growth and changes mean and who they are for.

Today it was a good discussion on that. I feel like right now there are things I need to do to be more professional (like when location scouting etc) when needed. I will always be that t-shirt and jeans and sneakers tomboy. However if I'm going to be taken seriously I feel like I should look the part as well. It comes down to wanting to be the best version of me I can be without losing myself in the process. I never want to lose myself. I always want to be that tree climbing, sports playing, small town dreamer. I just also want to be able to do the job and do it properly. I'm not saying I'm going to turn into a glamazon (although I think wearing heels more often could be fun...see, something must be wrong with me, ha ha ha) but there's a time and a place and I need to fit the role.

Then the question comes of why? Who am I doing this for? Some standard that people expect that is never good enough no matter what you do? Or for me knowing that I am striving to be the best version of me I can be? Or even God, who accepts me as is, so I can properly do the work He has called me to do? Yes to any single one of those is bullshit. Yes to all 3 would be more accurate but the reasons are still self serving to a degree because it is still all about making movies and presentation. Doing what you have to do to fit a role, like actors do.

It comes down to this, as was pointed out to me and is true the more I think about it: I still do not accept myself as is. God does, my friends and family do, but I don't. Bottomline. I see all my flaws and things I don't like. I see my mental illness and eccentric (to a degree) ways and I don't really accept myself. In spite of the working on that internally (which will show itself externally) since I left for NZ after SDF I still find that to me some things are currently seeming insurmountable and I can't fathom how people (and God) can look past those things. I know they do and love me in spite of those things, so why can't I do the same for myself? It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen. I know it will. It's just another thing on my to do list.

Also I think I should use classmates and get them to stand in to take photos and make my storyboards out of. Yeah, that could work. :D No more stick figures and aliens, ha ha ha.

So I need to sleep as I need desperately to write in the morning. Also Unbroken was a very inspiring film and I'd love to read the book.