Wake Up, Sweetheart

So I was looking at the last title and I thought it didn't really fit, yet it did because I have tried to run from who I am and failed so I'm over it. That was hinted at, but not really expanded on near the end.

So who am I? Well, I'm not Jean Valjean. (see what I did there?) I feel like I know (I have been asked that question recently) but can I put it into words? Nope, not really. I just show it more than say it because that is how I tend to do things. I can do words on a page but having them come out of my mouth is a different story. Is it fear that stops me? If I speak it out it is solid and true, is that scary? Speaking it out over myself. Am I really that self-focused? I don't think so as I hardly think about these things until they are brought up.

Like today. Someone pointed out something that it turns out is an uncomfortable truth. I don't know this person all that well, but sometimes this person says things that make me aware of issues that need to be resolved. I don't like it and I've been told not to let it bother me. It doesn't bother me, it's just that I apparently haven't dealt with it like I thought I had. We are all constant works in progress, the key is to actually do the work or let the work be done on us.

One thing I'm coming to terms with is my tomboy streak. It will never go away. I may always be more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt or sports tank tops etc. I want to keep it like that forever, however due to the path I have chosen to walk down I need to have a more professional attire. I have actually been looking at skirts and dresses and nice looking shirts going "Oh, that's cute. I'd wear that." Of course I followed that up by looking at the Aisics attire in the sports clothes shop so I'd feel more normal again. It's funny, I laugh at it. I have to accept that I can still be me while fitting a working role. It weirds me out though. It doesn't seem right after this many years of not caving to societal pressure. Oh well, it was something I learned from watching The Devil Wears Prada a few weeks ago and the post film discussion. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, just don't lose yourself.

I constantly question if being a director is the road I am to take. I know there are other directors that question why they put themselves through it. We're masochists for our method of communicating is what I think it is. Story is how I show my insides that are finally letting themselves out for a walk. (Ok, the mental picture of my physical insides doing this means only one thing, I should go to sleep.) Already I have done this and it will only keep going.

Anyways, I have to go write a fictional story now that will probably be weird and have aliens or something. It's not for a script this time. Ha ha.