So I got thinking about how a person is not their illness (in my case clinical depression and anxiety). It led me down a rabbit trail of being defined by somethings. Somethings being things in your life. Let's use cats as an example (one of many that can be used). In my case people automatically associate me with cats. For good reason, I like them and they like me back. It's fine when people think of or see a cat and think of me. Sometimes it feels like that is all they see though. The movie loving, nerdy, crazy, cat lady. Yep, that's the common association with me. Cats are therapeutic as well, their purrs are proven to be calming and relaxing. That's why I go for "fuzz/kitten therapy" having a bunch of kittens happy to see you and purring does help calm anxiety. Then I get a tad defensive about it because there's nothing wrong with liking cats and it doesn't make me like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons. Anyways, so those things help make up me but they don't define me, even when it feels like it. Some days I feel like I have to maintain that because it is expected. It feels like people forget there is more to me than that. There is more to anyone than a few in your face aspects of their personality and likes and dislikes.
So that leads me to think again about who am I? A person asked me and I didn't know how to answer. I still don't know if I know how to answer it because I feel that it is more complex than just a "woman that has clinical depression, loves movies and cats, is creepily good with faces" type of answer. So that is surface stuff, but deep down who are you really? Why does your behaviour change to suit others? Why should that even matter? Not saying I always do that (change behaviour to suit others, heck no. If you want to think I'm on drugs because I'm excited then that is your issue and not mine) but everyone does at some point. I don't think anyone is truly themselves all the time. I feel like I want to be defined by personality traits that are based on character and not tastes. The little and subtle things. Like ok, being introverted is a pretty defining characteristic that tends to drive how I think and what I do. I'd like to be known by qualities like if I'm a kind person or a selfish bitch (preferably not the latter). Someone who is smart (yes, I know I can seem an airhead, I get lost in my head, but I'm not stupid) and my relationships with God and my friends. These are the things I want to be defined by, not my cats (although you can't hide that ha ha) or nerdiness. There is nothing wrong with those things, but again they do not define me. The more I think on it, the more I realize I know who I am and I need to live that and not what people expect me to be. I try to do that anyways but I don't always come across as confident as I'd like to. Back to the song I've Gotta Be Me. I like the first 2 verses as there is no going it alone in filmmaking and I don't care about having it all:
Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am
I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am
That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all
I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me
I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me
1 comment:
Hilary
Again another well written, insightful, interesting and totally fascinating piece. The struggle over identity and issues of who/what you are is one we all deal with and it is only through continued self-assessment that we are able to do this. The process is likely to be a journey rather than a destination however I do know that as we get older we do tend to get wiser. Perhaps you may wish to use the example that Cats do provide us with in as much as they accept us for who/what we are with all our good and bad points. Therein lies the answer, whatever we are or aren't we need to accept and embrace all of those things that make us special and unique and whole. I so admire your ability to succinctly explore these issues in words and I'm very impressed with your ability to question and reason with yourself on your path to that which you seek. For what it's worth I think you're pretty cool and keep up the good work. No one is as Hilary as Hilary is...
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