Make it stop.

I don't get it, I really don't get it. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It makes no sense. I just want it all to stop. Leave me alone while I need it, please. Just stop, it's not helping. I feel like maybe I can go back to work in a couple of weeks then this happens and I know I can't do it, I just can't do it. I want to crawl in a hole and stay there. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get through this? I just want it to be done and to be better and not be bothered by stupid things. I can't move, I can't breathe, I just want to cry. I hate setbacks. I hate the panicky feeling all the freaking time. I thought I was making progress, I went to the video store. No one was there. Then when people started coming in I freaked out and left. Why? Seriously, why? I'm tired of this, I'm so done with everything. Don't talk to me, don't look at me. The cat philosophy works: If I can't see you then you can't see me and it isn't happening.

PS Not going to do anything stupid so don't worry about that.

Here we go again...

Sorry in advance for the circular/all over the place thinking/typing...

The physical update is that the side effects have pretty much worn off but the medication still hasn't kicked in. That is annoying. I hate waking up and feeling hopeless and not knowing what to look forward to, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I spend a lot of time being frustrated: by people that don't understand and by not being able to fix it and not able to function properly. That is why I'm going to see a counselor though, tools to deal with my disorder and figuring stuff like that out. Too bad my brain is so fried I don't remember much from the session. I actually don't remember much of this year honestly. During when Tyler and I were together, yeah can't remember much of that. For the record I don't get drunk, I might have a couple but not enough to forget everything. Details just aren't staying in my brain. The Olympics, I remember more from that but I was also not as bad as I got later in the year. The panic attacks aren't as bad, maybe I'll try and go rent a movie, but I better decide before I go what to watch or I'll never make the decision, and it has to be shorter, nothing over 2 hours for sure. I still haven't seen 500 Days of Summer, and I've rented it twice to try and watch it. I'm an emotional person, I feel a lot and I feel strongly. I still can't focus and I've been typing this for a good 20 minutes now. Completely lost my train of thought, and it was a good one. Ok, right after another 1/2 hour of trying to remember I'm calling it done. If I remember I'll come back to it.

Today, how I really feel at the moment...

"RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!" She screams in frustration. Some people just don't get it! This is not a cry for attention! Quit looking at me like I'm being over dramatic! Quit telling me to snap out of it! Believe me if I could, I would. Happy thoughts just don't work! Do you really think this is fun for me? Do you think I enjoy not leaving the house, not doing anything at all? Not showering for 3 days on a consistent basis (and not from being lazy)? Wanting to sleep all day every day when my personality is screaming at me to go do something because it's bored? I tried to do something fun, it didn't work! Ok? Get it now? I can't leave the house without panicking right now, how easy does that make it to actually do stuff? I can't freaking concentrate on anything requiring much brain power, so I can't even read a book for goodness sake or watch a movie. It's a real mental disorder, there is a problem with the wiring in my brain! Oh yeah, and no it's not because of him, it's just bad timing it was going to happen anyways. So you can quit asking me that question already. Grrrr!!! End rant.

Grrr...argh...

Frustrated once again. Yesterday I went to Fort Steele with my parents. I spent most of the drive there (and back) terrified, and not because of anyone's driving, ha ha. The panic attacks just aren't going away. I walked around the entire time, except when I went on the steam train and the wagon rides, mostly by myself, sometimes with my parents. I was trying not to be near too many people, that was setting off the panic. I did freak out up the water works tower/outpost, but that was partly vertigo and partly panic. Oh well, the fact was I made it up, woo hoo! I did spend a lot of time petting the Clydes, I can't help it I love that breed, and I pet a cat while there (he liked me, but not other people who weren't petting him properly). I still can't really make decisions or focus on anything, like food or what to do, read, attempt to watch on TV/DVD. I hate the upset stomach still and the lack of appetite, except if I eat my stomach thing tends to go away. 1 week on the medication, most of the side effects are starting to go down, but not entirely. I went to the doctor again today (I have to go every week for a while), I'm off work for another 2 weeks as it stands. I am sleeping better and recognize what I have to do. When the medication kicks in and the side effects go away that should tone down to something resembling normal. The urge to punch people in the face should go away too, irritability being a side effect. Counselor tomorrow. I also had a panic attack the entire time I was at the doctors office. My brain is really not in a good spot today, my typing/thinking is very much not linear and I'm still forgetting lots of stuff. My brain is having trouble retaining much, and it feels like a lot of stuff never happened even though I know it did, but I can't even come up with details of any of those events. I really hate the feeling up from the meds but feeling down inside knowing that I am down. I think I mentioned that before. I guess that means I better be done if I'm getting repetitive. Just proves the point. I hate the mental fixation/ocd tendencies on something, like an object (a certain book I can't find at the store) or a game I'm playing. I try and shut my brain off of it but it just won't stop. Distraction sometimes works, but not always. Anyways, lunch time now. Hope everyone is well.

Sigh.

I missed yesterday. Not surprised really. I didn't have a good day. When the only thing you seem to be able to focus on is Billy the Exterminator for 2 hours straight watching him catch the same stuff over and over, "like" a bazillion things on Facebook, spend an hour compulsively going through status shuffle to see what else there is, and still feel like a crazy person when you know you're not. Yeah. The day before I went out twice (big mistake), yesterday I went to the library with my parents and was having a lot of trouble, my hood went up and I hid & ran away from people. I just can't wait until I'm myself again. This is not me, I hate this so much. I know my brain is broken and I'm working on fixing it, but it still is so frustrating not to be able to do the stuff I want to do, or focus on anything real and useful, or leave the house when there's people around. I even noticed how I walk differently right now. I have to remind myself not to push myself too much or think I'm better than I am due to the medication side effects. I'm not better, not by a long shot. I'm not trying to keep myself down either, just realistic that I can't be better in 5 days. I don't think I have been this bad before, well the depression part was worse, but I never had my brain snap like this before, been close but never there. Although I am sleeping longer now. Instead of 4 hours or 5 before I wake up it's 7. I still try and sneak more sleep in, I'm always tired right now too.

On a cute note, my cat Patra likes to ask me for milk. Ok she never leaves me alone in the kitchen and the way she meows sounds like milk. So I asked her "What? What do you want?" "Maow!" "You want milk?" "Maow!" "I don't have any, see? Where is it?" "Maow!" *rubs my ankles* "Show me where it is." She goes over to the fridge on the side where it opens and sits down and looks at me. She's done this twice and only goes to the fridge when I tell her to show me where it is, she doesn't respond to asking where it is. It's pretty funny.

Ok, that's it for the moment. Moce.

Update time. :)

So update time for the day. Today was day 3 of the medication. This is the part I hate the most, the crazy phase. I feel like I should be locked up just the way I look, look around me, move, feel crappy yet seem not too bad on the outside, jumpy/jittery, constantly fidgeting and talking. As long as I don't talk to myself, especially muttering, I should be ok. I wasn't as hyper, but still very jittery all day. I didn't crash this time though really. Not fun, but I went for a walk this afternoon and one this evening. That's a step up I left the house and didn't panic. Although I nearly did a few times and I was looking all over the place and my fingers wouldn't stop moving, kind of tapping each other. I think if there had been any kind of crowd I would have panicked. People thought I seemed better but I had to explain that it's only day 3 and that was the side effects, not actually better. I'm on an upper while feeling down and until I stabilize I'm not better. Still can't concentrate, slept longer in one stretch last night too. I'm trying not to make the mistake that I feel like I'm better because I'm talkative and leaving the house and feel like I can do anything, when really I'm nowhere near better yet. I had a conversation today that took away one of my stress points, so that was most helpful. I can try to work on my brain better without having to deal with other stuff and suppositions now. I really don't like the upset stomach side effect. If my stomach is empty, the nausea is worse. However, I can't eat either. It is so hard to choke anything down. I can't even drink a can of Coca Cola (which I don't advise anyways, the caffeine on top of the meds is way too much buzz). I should have tea instead, especially herbal or decaf Earl Grey. Mmm...tea.....So anyways I think that is about it for today. No nasty thoughts, well except thoughts of yelling at people and flipping tables over and punching people. I still don't feel like I can be anywhere or do anything for too long, my brain just won't let me do anything. I can't even read a book. It's rotate between flipping channels, even though I know nothing is on tv, and the computer. No movies, no books, no sitting in one place for too long. Except the computer, but when I've run out of stuff to do that interest me on the internet, off I go. So now I have a few messages to write again. Have a good night all.

Hmmm...I think it would be better here...

I think my depression and anxiety disorder would be better dealt with here than facebook. That way whoever wants to read it can as opposed to having everyone on FB read it whether they want to know or not.

So as of right now I have just restarted the medication. I was off of it for 6 years...almost. This disorder was first dealt with 10 years ago, it took 4 years to get to the point where I could go off the medication. So I think this episode started in January and ran all the way through until now. I didn't know it, I didn't recognize the signs. I thought it was just stress and boredom, maybe it was partly. Then there was an event that blindsided me (choosing to leave him out of this, it shall be referred to as the incident of the 18th, or just the incident) and whatever fragile remainder of control I had I lost. So in the last 2 1/2 weeks I have been dealing with both those things, and I finally went to the doctor. I couldn't think, or focus. At work (this was happening on occasion before the incident) I would just stare at the food with nothing going through my head and I had no idea what to do with it, yet I did but my body wouldn't co-operate and scan the darn groceries, until the customer said something to me. I couldn't sleep or eat or get out of bed...still can't sleep and eating is hard to do as well. I took off for what was supposed to be a week of nothing, just alone/down time to try and recover. I went to the beach I grew up at, went to my friend's house where it wasn't in the city and quiet, went to my sister's and pet the 2 1/2 week old kittens. While that was all good it didn't do any good, and I ended up having to come home early because I just couldn't handle it. I still had break down moments, depression, panic attacks, inability to function. I think not showering for 3 days fits in that list too, and not being able to clean the cat box. I also got 2 weeks off of work from the doctor, I'll probably end up with more next time I'm in there.

So here I am day 2 of the medication. So far the upset stomach, insomnia, and headache side effects are all present and accounted for. The hyperactivity this morning I wasn't prepared for, but when that wore off, that really wore off. As I discovered this evening, I still don't want to/can't be around people, I had a panic attack while trying to go see a movie I desperately wanted to watch. I went into the video store to wait and felt it coming, the room spun a bit and my head started to pound as well. I could feel my heart racing and thought, "I'm not going to make it through a 2 1/2 hour movie if I can't even last 5 minutes in the video store." I went outside and tried to psych myself up for it. I was nearly there when people started to show up and I could feel it rising again. So I left, after a 20 minute long losing battle with myself. I cried a bit on the way home, and a bit at home. I'm so disappointed and frustrated by this. I know that even leaving the house solo was a step up, but still I REALLY wanted to see that movie and it's the last night. I tell myself I tried, but wasn't well enough to see it. Still frustrating and disappointing though.

So I guess that's it for now. More updates as this gets played out.