What's So Great About Normal?

Exactly. Screw normal. It's all relative anyways.

Stand By Me

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hannahjewell/historical-women-who-gave-no-fcks?s=mobile

Ok so that is the article I mentioned on Facebook. I said I should take some lessons from them on not giving a f***. I feel perhaps some clarification is in order.

So as it was pointed out to me, growth is good but unless you have accepted yourself as a person, for who you are at that moment and as God made you, then is it really growth or trying to please some ideal or people? It comes back to, still, task based approval or true growth as a person.

So I know at the moment I should be focused on my current tasks of practical application. It occured to me that how I view myself directly relates to how I view directing. Until I reconcile the one I can't be better at the other. If I am not accepting of myself and confident in who I am as a child of God, how can I be a confident director? I'll always question my sanity for wanting to be a director and question my directorial decisions, but at least it will be going boldly. Oh golly. Flashbacks to a Comic Expo chat with Gates McFadden. In everything go boldly, it doesn't matter what it is. Well, I needed that right now. Hopefully some of you did as well.

So back to the initial growth thing and not giving a f***. I still, for reasons I may not have figured out yet, feel like I'm wrestling with task based things making me a good person or better person. It's wrong. It is so the wrong way to view things. What you do doesn't make you a good person. It is not your identity. What your heart is on the inside is what makes you a good person or not. What God made you to do and be is what makes you who you are. Not some random approval based on someone else's standards. I know this but I don't always act on it properly. If your heart is right and you know who you are in God, all other things will flow from that and it still doesn't matter if people approve, or your church approves. Who cares if you chase lizards or like playing tackle sports. Who cares if you have the most perfect co-ordinated outfit in the room. If you put your (or someone elses) identity and value in those things then perhaps you need to look at yourself long and hard.

So today (since this one has been 2 days in the writing) the pastor was talking about rest and resting in God. Also making a spot on your calendar for your priorities. Good stuff. I was trying to think of the one word I would put on my calendar. I still have no idea, but it was a good sermon and I'll come up with a word later.

In conclusion. I now choose not to let external forces dictate who I am or how I feel about things. I have no f***s to give to what people think or how I should come across or what society thinks is the standard I should live up to. I have only a certain amout of energy and I can't waste it on that. It will suck the life out of me. I will grow. I will finally accept who I am and it will not be task based. That will no longer control me. God made me the way I am and He loves me how He made me. I will keep seeking Him and doing what He asks and I will be confident in it knowing that He put me there for a reason and I can do it with Him.

Ok, peace out.

Agony!

Not really, but having seen Into the Woods the other night that song is in my head and that scene is hilarious.

So there is a lot going on in my head still. I wish they were stories, but mostly it's figuring out who I am, growing, what I'm striving for, changes, why changes or what do some of the growth and changes mean and who they are for.

Today it was a good discussion on that. I feel like right now there are things I need to do to be more professional (like when location scouting etc) when needed. I will always be that t-shirt and jeans and sneakers tomboy. However if I'm going to be taken seriously I feel like I should look the part as well. It comes down to wanting to be the best version of me I can be without losing myself in the process. I never want to lose myself. I always want to be that tree climbing, sports playing, small town dreamer. I just also want to be able to do the job and do it properly. I'm not saying I'm going to turn into a glamazon (although I think wearing heels more often could be fun...see, something must be wrong with me, ha ha ha) but there's a time and a place and I need to fit the role.

Then the question comes of why? Who am I doing this for? Some standard that people expect that is never good enough no matter what you do? Or for me knowing that I am striving to be the best version of me I can be? Or even God, who accepts me as is, so I can properly do the work He has called me to do? Yes to any single one of those is bullshit. Yes to all 3 would be more accurate but the reasons are still self serving to a degree because it is still all about making movies and presentation. Doing what you have to do to fit a role, like actors do.

It comes down to this, as was pointed out to me and is true the more I think about it: I still do not accept myself as is. God does, my friends and family do, but I don't. Bottomline. I see all my flaws and things I don't like. I see my mental illness and eccentric (to a degree) ways and I don't really accept myself. In spite of the working on that internally (which will show itself externally) since I left for NZ after SDF I still find that to me some things are currently seeming insurmountable and I can't fathom how people (and God) can look past those things. I know they do and love me in spite of those things, so why can't I do the same for myself? It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen. I know it will. It's just another thing on my to do list.

Also I think I should use classmates and get them to stand in to take photos and make my storyboards out of. Yeah, that could work. :D No more stick figures and aliens, ha ha ha.

So I need to sleep as I need desperately to write in the morning. Also Unbroken was a very inspiring film and I'd love to read the book.

Who Are You?

So I got thinking about how a person is not their illness (in my case clinical depression and anxiety). It led me down a rabbit trail of being defined by somethings. Somethings being things in your life. Let's use cats as an example (one of many that can be used). In my case people automatically associate me with cats. For good reason, I like them and they like me back. It's fine when people think of or see a cat and think of me. Sometimes it feels like that is all they see though. The movie loving, nerdy, crazy, cat lady. Yep, that's the common association with me. Cats are therapeutic as well, their purrs are proven to be calming and relaxing. That's why I go for "fuzz/kitten therapy" having a bunch of kittens happy to see you and purring does help calm anxiety. Then I get a tad defensive about it because there's nothing wrong with liking cats and it doesn't make me like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons. Anyways, so those things help make up me but they don't define me, even when it feels like it. Some days I feel like I have to maintain that because it is expected. It feels like people forget there is more to me than that. There is more to anyone than a few in your face aspects of their personality and likes and dislikes.

So that leads me to think again about who am I? A person asked me and I didn't know how to answer. I still don't know if I know how to answer it because I feel that it is more complex than just a "woman that has clinical depression, loves movies and cats, is creepily good with faces" type of answer. So that is surface stuff, but deep down who are you really? Why does your behaviour change to suit others? Why should that even matter? Not saying I always do that (change behaviour to suit others, heck no. If you want to think I'm on drugs because I'm excited then that is your issue and not mine) but everyone does at some point. I don't think anyone is truly themselves all the time. I feel like I want to be defined by personality traits that are based on character and not tastes. The little and subtle things. Like ok, being introverted is a pretty defining characteristic that tends to drive how I think and what I do. I'd like to be known by qualities like if I'm a kind person or a selfish bitch (preferably not the latter). Someone who is smart (yes, I know I can seem an airhead, I get lost in my head, but I'm not stupid) and my relationships with God and my friends. These are the things I want to be defined by, not my cats (although you can't hide that ha ha) or nerdiness. There is nothing wrong with those things, but again they do not define me. The more I think on it, the more I realize I know who I am and I need to live that and not what people expect me to be. I try to do that anyways but I don't always come across as confident as I'd like to. Back to the song I've Gotta Be Me. I like the first 2 verses as there is no going it alone in filmmaking and I don't care about having it all:

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am

That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me

A Walk To Remember

So what happens after you have a breakthrough? Usually a slap back, that's what. Something fighting to keep you in the status quo. I knew it was coming, I've felt crap for awhile and the big bad wolf is knocking on my door. I thought I was feeling better, but those were just moments of awesome as opposed to actual doing better. I was over-caffeinating myself on tea or whatever I could get my hands on that was liquid caffeine (but not coffee). Then the anxiety skyrocketed. I want to function normally. I want to not feel off my rocker crazy. I want to have a proper life that isn't a daily fight to do anything. I can hardly watch my own film footage because it's heavy. Yet the only thing I can think to pitch on Friday is serious again. Not as heavy though. So I lie here and question everything I think about my life. I lie to myself and the world every day that I'm "happy" or "fully functional". I'm not. Today I wanted to take a mental health day and go to bed as I was feeling like everything was out of control. I didn't, I just went for short walks from the office. It's worse when I'm in my head and I get pulled out suddenly. I'm an introvert, my brain paths are long and winding to get where they are going to begin with. Blargh. Again, I'm not stopping fighting. I'm just tired of fighting at the moment.

Wake Up, Sweetheart

So I was looking at the last title and I thought it didn't really fit, yet it did because I have tried to run from who I am and failed so I'm over it. That was hinted at, but not really expanded on near the end.

So who am I? Well, I'm not Jean Valjean. (see what I did there?) I feel like I know (I have been asked that question recently) but can I put it into words? Nope, not really. I just show it more than say it because that is how I tend to do things. I can do words on a page but having them come out of my mouth is a different story. Is it fear that stops me? If I speak it out it is solid and true, is that scary? Speaking it out over myself. Am I really that self-focused? I don't think so as I hardly think about these things until they are brought up.

Like today. Someone pointed out something that it turns out is an uncomfortable truth. I don't know this person all that well, but sometimes this person says things that make me aware of issues that need to be resolved. I don't like it and I've been told not to let it bother me. It doesn't bother me, it's just that I apparently haven't dealt with it like I thought I had. We are all constant works in progress, the key is to actually do the work or let the work be done on us.

One thing I'm coming to terms with is my tomboy streak. It will never go away. I may always be more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt or sports tank tops etc. I want to keep it like that forever, however due to the path I have chosen to walk down I need to have a more professional attire. I have actually been looking at skirts and dresses and nice looking shirts going "Oh, that's cute. I'd wear that." Of course I followed that up by looking at the Aisics attire in the sports clothes shop so I'd feel more normal again. It's funny, I laugh at it. I have to accept that I can still be me while fitting a working role. It weirds me out though. It doesn't seem right after this many years of not caving to societal pressure. Oh well, it was something I learned from watching The Devil Wears Prada a few weeks ago and the post film discussion. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, just don't lose yourself.

I constantly question if being a director is the road I am to take. I know there are other directors that question why they put themselves through it. We're masochists for our method of communicating is what I think it is. Story is how I show my insides that are finally letting themselves out for a walk. (Ok, the mental picture of my physical insides doing this means only one thing, I should go to sleep.) Already I have done this and it will only keep going.

Anyways, I have to go write a fictional story now that will probably be weird and have aliens or something. It's not for a script this time. Ha ha.

We Can't Just Run Away From Who We Are

Well, I thought I had one going for the last few day, but apparently not. This year so far has been hit and miss. Mostly hit. Today we ladies watched Brave after work and had popcorn. I ate so much I may not need breakfast. It is going to be a year of many changes and walking in faith. I know what I am to do, it's just doing it and not letting the obstacles obscure my vision of where the road leads.

Hanna suggested Brave was perfect for us because we are being brave just to be here and walking the road we have chosen. It's true. It's a scary road that twists and turns and has obscured destinations and forks. We won't see them until we get there.

Saturday, here, we finished filming the last bits for the film I'm directing. I got some more advice from the actors and I need to figure out how applying that looks for me as a person.

Today I watched footage and had a few issues with the computer so no editing has been started yet, but it wil be worked on and finished by Friday. It's been a stormy day today, and I love it. Saturday started with a storm while getting ready to film so we had to rearrange filming locations and times. Cancelling was not an option as far as I was concerned.

I have realized that my films are real. I don't mind it, I actually think it's a great thing, but I want to do a not so serious one next. The last two were pretty heavy and watching that stuff is hard emotionally. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. It means people will relate and perhaps have a change for the better in their lives. That is really what I want to do. Make an impact and make people think about their lives and re-evaluate where they are and what they are doing.

Anyways, bed is calling and tomorrow requires brains again. Goodnight all.