Whee...

Basically the only update is nothing's really changed. Less panic, still terrified for no reason to leave the house and go for a walk, but I don't panic so easily. Especially if I don't look around me, then it's manageable. The rest of it, the depression part, still no change. My mind refuses to turn off, it thinks about things I don't want it to. Then I get an opportunity and my brain tries to talk me out of it, and I know I'm not well enough, but that opportunity is for next fall, so a whole year away. I should be ok by then to do it. I dunno, I'll see. Maybe look into it. I know who would tell me to do it, lol. 2 weeks of meds and I don't notice any change. Grrr....Oh well. Must intake some nutrition now. More as things develop.

More sighs and frustrated grrr's.

Yup, I still can't go into where I work even off duty without freaking out. I tried just to pick up a pay stub, kind of testing the waters, and was freaking out. No way am I ready to go back for work, that will be so much worse. I still feel down, even though there are good things, like meteors that I finally saw (which reminded me that He's not forgotten about me even if it feels like it--He having to do with my belief system, not a person) and the fact that I can pay my bills this month in spite of not getting payed and not working due to stat pay for one day during my off days. I feel defeated. Like no matter what I do or what is good it just doesn't help. It's (again, a very over used yet accurate word for me) so frustrating. So off I go outside to sit in the sun and just try and relax.

Small Victory!!

Today, went rather well considering I started it the way I did and in tears. No panic attacks, not feeling better, but no panic attacks. Oh, and I sat through a movie. :D Baby steps...tomorrow, who knows, but today I took pictures of dragonflies and an iridescent beetle and a butterfly. Minor victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Is so tired...

Tired of everything, tired of fighting my brain, tired of trying. I just want to sleep and stay in bed all the time. I don't want to try anymore to get better. I can't give up though, I can't accept that this would be my life. The status quo is unacceptable, it will get better. It always does, even though right now it doesn't feel like it. Right now nothing I do is helping....lost my train of thought again, darn the lack of focus. When I get it back, I'll be back again.

Another hiccup in the process.

Also known as a contradiction. I hate being alone, I feel alone all the time and I really hate it. Yet I want to be left alone, I don't want to call anyone or hang out with people. The latter is a symptom, maybe I'm not ready to go back to work yet. I'm not sure I can work on this and work at my job at the same time. I can't focus on all that. I'm a mess, but I don't feel entirely like one. I probably should never have gone off the meds in the first place, but oh well what's done is done. I made it 5 1/2 years before it started coming back and 6 before I had to take meds again. Note to self, never go off of them again. There's a plan for me, stuff to do, not sure what that all entails...trips overseas I hope, once I'm back to good (oh and she manages to put a song in there, and Matchbox Twenty at that, lol). For that I need to be better and stay better/under control. The stress of a trip can set you off, that's why I took 10 months to plan the England trip, so I wasn't doing it all at once and stressing. That's why I'm going to the doctor and counselor, I need the tools, I need to be better, I need to be able to look forward and do what I have to do, do what I'm meant to do. Be who I'm meant to be (without joining the army) and with who I'm meant to be with...I just deleted and entire rant that got WAY off topic. One day I may go into the "changed my mind" rant, but it is not this day. (Ooo...now I'm quoting movies, definitely time for bed) As tempting as it is...so now off to bed as I lost my train of thought again. Anyone think I'm being too open or honest in such a public place? Let me know what you think...if anyone is reading this and cares to say something.

Make it stop.

I don't get it, I really don't get it. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It makes no sense. I just want it all to stop. Leave me alone while I need it, please. Just stop, it's not helping. I feel like maybe I can go back to work in a couple of weeks then this happens and I know I can't do it, I just can't do it. I want to crawl in a hole and stay there. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get through this? I just want it to be done and to be better and not be bothered by stupid things. I can't move, I can't breathe, I just want to cry. I hate setbacks. I hate the panicky feeling all the freaking time. I thought I was making progress, I went to the video store. No one was there. Then when people started coming in I freaked out and left. Why? Seriously, why? I'm tired of this, I'm so done with everything. Don't talk to me, don't look at me. The cat philosophy works: If I can't see you then you can't see me and it isn't happening.

PS Not going to do anything stupid so don't worry about that.

Here we go again...

Sorry in advance for the circular/all over the place thinking/typing...

The physical update is that the side effects have pretty much worn off but the medication still hasn't kicked in. That is annoying. I hate waking up and feeling hopeless and not knowing what to look forward to, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I spend a lot of time being frustrated: by people that don't understand and by not being able to fix it and not able to function properly. That is why I'm going to see a counselor though, tools to deal with my disorder and figuring stuff like that out. Too bad my brain is so fried I don't remember much from the session. I actually don't remember much of this year honestly. During when Tyler and I were together, yeah can't remember much of that. For the record I don't get drunk, I might have a couple but not enough to forget everything. Details just aren't staying in my brain. The Olympics, I remember more from that but I was also not as bad as I got later in the year. The panic attacks aren't as bad, maybe I'll try and go rent a movie, but I better decide before I go what to watch or I'll never make the decision, and it has to be shorter, nothing over 2 hours for sure. I still haven't seen 500 Days of Summer, and I've rented it twice to try and watch it. I'm an emotional person, I feel a lot and I feel strongly. I still can't focus and I've been typing this for a good 20 minutes now. Completely lost my train of thought, and it was a good one. Ok, right after another 1/2 hour of trying to remember I'm calling it done. If I remember I'll come back to it.