Is so tired...

Tired of everything, tired of fighting my brain, tired of trying. I just want to sleep and stay in bed all the time. I don't want to try anymore to get better. I can't give up though, I can't accept that this would be my life. The status quo is unacceptable, it will get better. It always does, even though right now it doesn't feel like it. Right now nothing I do is helping....lost my train of thought again, darn the lack of focus. When I get it back, I'll be back again.

Another hiccup in the process.

Also known as a contradiction. I hate being alone, I feel alone all the time and I really hate it. Yet I want to be left alone, I don't want to call anyone or hang out with people. The latter is a symptom, maybe I'm not ready to go back to work yet. I'm not sure I can work on this and work at my job at the same time. I can't focus on all that. I'm a mess, but I don't feel entirely like one. I probably should never have gone off the meds in the first place, but oh well what's done is done. I made it 5 1/2 years before it started coming back and 6 before I had to take meds again. Note to self, never go off of them again. There's a plan for me, stuff to do, not sure what that all entails...trips overseas I hope, once I'm back to good (oh and she manages to put a song in there, and Matchbox Twenty at that, lol). For that I need to be better and stay better/under control. The stress of a trip can set you off, that's why I took 10 months to plan the England trip, so I wasn't doing it all at once and stressing. That's why I'm going to the doctor and counselor, I need the tools, I need to be better, I need to be able to look forward and do what I have to do, do what I'm meant to do. Be who I'm meant to be (without joining the army) and with who I'm meant to be with...I just deleted and entire rant that got WAY off topic. One day I may go into the "changed my mind" rant, but it is not this day. (Ooo...now I'm quoting movies, definitely time for bed) As tempting as it is...so now off to bed as I lost my train of thought again. Anyone think I'm being too open or honest in such a public place? Let me know what you think...if anyone is reading this and cares to say something.

Make it stop.

I don't get it, I really don't get it. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. It makes no sense. I just want it all to stop. Leave me alone while I need it, please. Just stop, it's not helping. I feel like maybe I can go back to work in a couple of weeks then this happens and I know I can't do it, I just can't do it. I want to crawl in a hole and stay there. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get through this? I just want it to be done and to be better and not be bothered by stupid things. I can't move, I can't breathe, I just want to cry. I hate setbacks. I hate the panicky feeling all the freaking time. I thought I was making progress, I went to the video store. No one was there. Then when people started coming in I freaked out and left. Why? Seriously, why? I'm tired of this, I'm so done with everything. Don't talk to me, don't look at me. The cat philosophy works: If I can't see you then you can't see me and it isn't happening.

PS Not going to do anything stupid so don't worry about that.

Here we go again...

Sorry in advance for the circular/all over the place thinking/typing...

The physical update is that the side effects have pretty much worn off but the medication still hasn't kicked in. That is annoying. I hate waking up and feeling hopeless and not knowing what to look forward to, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I spend a lot of time being frustrated: by people that don't understand and by not being able to fix it and not able to function properly. That is why I'm going to see a counselor though, tools to deal with my disorder and figuring stuff like that out. Too bad my brain is so fried I don't remember much from the session. I actually don't remember much of this year honestly. During when Tyler and I were together, yeah can't remember much of that. For the record I don't get drunk, I might have a couple but not enough to forget everything. Details just aren't staying in my brain. The Olympics, I remember more from that but I was also not as bad as I got later in the year. The panic attacks aren't as bad, maybe I'll try and go rent a movie, but I better decide before I go what to watch or I'll never make the decision, and it has to be shorter, nothing over 2 hours for sure. I still haven't seen 500 Days of Summer, and I've rented it twice to try and watch it. I'm an emotional person, I feel a lot and I feel strongly. I still can't focus and I've been typing this for a good 20 minutes now. Completely lost my train of thought, and it was a good one. Ok, right after another 1/2 hour of trying to remember I'm calling it done. If I remember I'll come back to it.

Today, how I really feel at the moment...

"RAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!" She screams in frustration. Some people just don't get it! This is not a cry for attention! Quit looking at me like I'm being over dramatic! Quit telling me to snap out of it! Believe me if I could, I would. Happy thoughts just don't work! Do you really think this is fun for me? Do you think I enjoy not leaving the house, not doing anything at all? Not showering for 3 days on a consistent basis (and not from being lazy)? Wanting to sleep all day every day when my personality is screaming at me to go do something because it's bored? I tried to do something fun, it didn't work! Ok? Get it now? I can't leave the house without panicking right now, how easy does that make it to actually do stuff? I can't freaking concentrate on anything requiring much brain power, so I can't even read a book for goodness sake or watch a movie. It's a real mental disorder, there is a problem with the wiring in my brain! Oh yeah, and no it's not because of him, it's just bad timing it was going to happen anyways. So you can quit asking me that question already. Grrrr!!! End rant.

Grrr...argh...

Frustrated once again. Yesterday I went to Fort Steele with my parents. I spent most of the drive there (and back) terrified, and not because of anyone's driving, ha ha. The panic attacks just aren't going away. I walked around the entire time, except when I went on the steam train and the wagon rides, mostly by myself, sometimes with my parents. I was trying not to be near too many people, that was setting off the panic. I did freak out up the water works tower/outpost, but that was partly vertigo and partly panic. Oh well, the fact was I made it up, woo hoo! I did spend a lot of time petting the Clydes, I can't help it I love that breed, and I pet a cat while there (he liked me, but not other people who weren't petting him properly). I still can't really make decisions or focus on anything, like food or what to do, read, attempt to watch on TV/DVD. I hate the upset stomach still and the lack of appetite, except if I eat my stomach thing tends to go away. 1 week on the medication, most of the side effects are starting to go down, but not entirely. I went to the doctor again today (I have to go every week for a while), I'm off work for another 2 weeks as it stands. I am sleeping better and recognize what I have to do. When the medication kicks in and the side effects go away that should tone down to something resembling normal. The urge to punch people in the face should go away too, irritability being a side effect. Counselor tomorrow. I also had a panic attack the entire time I was at the doctors office. My brain is really not in a good spot today, my typing/thinking is very much not linear and I'm still forgetting lots of stuff. My brain is having trouble retaining much, and it feels like a lot of stuff never happened even though I know it did, but I can't even come up with details of any of those events. I really hate the feeling up from the meds but feeling down inside knowing that I am down. I think I mentioned that before. I guess that means I better be done if I'm getting repetitive. Just proves the point. I hate the mental fixation/ocd tendencies on something, like an object (a certain book I can't find at the store) or a game I'm playing. I try and shut my brain off of it but it just won't stop. Distraction sometimes works, but not always. Anyways, lunch time now. Hope everyone is well.

Sigh.

I missed yesterday. Not surprised really. I didn't have a good day. When the only thing you seem to be able to focus on is Billy the Exterminator for 2 hours straight watching him catch the same stuff over and over, "like" a bazillion things on Facebook, spend an hour compulsively going through status shuffle to see what else there is, and still feel like a crazy person when you know you're not. Yeah. The day before I went out twice (big mistake), yesterday I went to the library with my parents and was having a lot of trouble, my hood went up and I hid & ran away from people. I just can't wait until I'm myself again. This is not me, I hate this so much. I know my brain is broken and I'm working on fixing it, but it still is so frustrating not to be able to do the stuff I want to do, or focus on anything real and useful, or leave the house when there's people around. I even noticed how I walk differently right now. I have to remind myself not to push myself too much or think I'm better than I am due to the medication side effects. I'm not better, not by a long shot. I'm not trying to keep myself down either, just realistic that I can't be better in 5 days. I don't think I have been this bad before, well the depression part was worse, but I never had my brain snap like this before, been close but never there. Although I am sleeping longer now. Instead of 4 hours or 5 before I wake up it's 7. I still try and sneak more sleep in, I'm always tired right now too.

On a cute note, my cat Patra likes to ask me for milk. Ok she never leaves me alone in the kitchen and the way she meows sounds like milk. So I asked her "What? What do you want?" "Maow!" "You want milk?" "Maow!" "I don't have any, see? Where is it?" "Maow!" *rubs my ankles* "Show me where it is." She goes over to the fridge on the side where it opens and sits down and looks at me. She's done this twice and only goes to the fridge when I tell her to show me where it is, she doesn't respond to asking where it is. It's pretty funny.

Ok, that's it for the moment. Moce.