Hope Floats...

Well the end of the year is near and it's been a long and interesting one.

It literally started with some news I expected yet dreaded to hear, my mentor's body had been found nearly 3 months after she went missing. It was suicide. A battle I have faced as well over the last 20 years or so. That moment when someone you respected, that helped heal you and bring you closer to God, that spoke words of life and love and was going to go on a missions trip succumbed to the disease that has gripped both of your lives for so long is a hard one to come to terms with. I spent some time asking God the usual questions of why that person and why have I not succumbed. I know why I haven't, my work on earth is not done yet. It still is a question that anyone with a major depression diagnosis probably asks themselves. So 10 days into the year I went to her memorial service. I hope that when God finally calls me home that it will be as big a celebration of life lived well and lived for God as hers was. At the service God showed up and He started whispering that big things were on the way. I could feel it. At the time I didn't know what it meant or who He was going to make those big things happen for. I knew something was going to happen with me, but it also felt like a general thing.

So the year kept going. I worked, hung out with friends, did a lot of cat rescue/shelter work. Tried to work up to running the Spartan Race in Calgary in August. As the year progressed I started to slide into that hole of darkness again. It wasn't debilitating yet but it was affecting my life. I wanted to yell at it and just begged God to make it go away again. It is a medical condition. That is all. I didn't (ok, don't) want it to define me. I am not depression, it is something I have that I sometimes worry will take over my life again to the point where I may not survive it. However I can't focus on that. It makes things harder but I won't let it ruin my life like I nearly did before. So anyways my parents could see it as well. Fortunately they know what to look for. One day near then end of June and beginning of July I got a message asking if I was still interested in SDF. Of course I was, but life was not looking like it would let me go this year so I promised to do next year. So as things go everything fell into place and all my excuses were stomped on. Fear still reigned over my wanting to be a filmmaker. A month later I was on the plane heading to the film school that I knew I was going to attend in the location I was supposed to attend before the school existed in that location. Fear still held me back for half the school. In the end, as the past blogs have indicated, I fought for it and I finished it. In the process God did amazing things in my life and in others lives and I met some amazing people that I know I will be friends and collegues with for a long time.

So now here it is, the end of the year again. I have started down the path of becoming a director, finally. Better late than never though. Next year it is going to continue. There is much to learn and I intend to learn it. I intend to work with it. I feel like God has told me the path I am to follow. It is going to be long and hard, but it is supposed to happen so I will trust Him to see me through. Next year is going to be awesome. It is going to be more and better than I expect it to be. Things have been set in motion and they are going to continue, not just with me either. I'm excited to see what He is going to do in people's lives next year. So with this I have no resolutions, just things I need to do that aren't well meaning set ups for failure. I have a Hopes and Dreams jar where I write them out on paper and put them there. The jar is symbolic of being God's hands. All my hopes and dreams for the future and 2015 are in His hands. I hope and pray that all my friends have a great year next year. That you reclaim what has been lost and look to the future with hope and peace and have an abundance of blessings. I love you all.

Inside Out

Ok, another one even though I said I was going to be offline for the rest of today, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day.

Sometimes in life you go through a pile of poo and it affects the rest of your life, for good or for ill. Last night I realized I have been divorced for 10 years this September. So much has happened in those 10 years and none of it would have happened if it hadn't been for that divorce. I wouldn't have gone to the house church and learned about DTS. I wouldn't have gone to DTS and I may even be dead as a result of staying stuck, not doing what I was made to do, and then the clinical depression winning. I would not have heard about SDF and I wouldn't be sitting on this dorm floor in Brisbane (exactly the place God told me to go to film school before the school existed). It's crazy the awesomeness that came out of it. The unconditional love and friendships that have developed are some of my most treasured things in life. (Also having a best friend, Jenny, who walked through all of the crap of the last 15 years with me so patient and supportive through all of it. I think it helped solidify our friendship.)

There is the other side though. The rejection (the now wife, then new girlfriend, is "like you only better") and feelings of not being worth anything. The walls being built and not budging to be brought down. The lack of belief and trust in people until you realize they love you as is. The lack of confidence in yourself. There's so much more but I think those are the main longest lasting ones.

When I came back from DTS I had changed, some of that stuff was worked out but not all of it. I took a chance and got hurt again badly a few years after. Again the walls etc were back in place. I found out how much my friends cared about me and loved me. That got me through. I was already well into a depression before that relationship started but I didn't recognize it. I was starting to sink again just before I came here. One of the things with the school is we have to have one on ones with a staff. I am pretty blunt and honest, but I do not like to open up. I also divert the topic if it makes me uncomfortable. Fortunately my one on one was really good and for some reason I would blurt stuff out I don't like talking about. It helped me figure out why somethings are the way they are and what I need to change. Also in the school it was brought to our attention that filmmakers have to be open and vulnerable as if you don't feel it your audience won't feel it. Well, that was the kicker for me. That made me struggle through the first half at least of the school until I was broken. I did better at that, and it showed in my final film project, yet it still wasn't enough. Then we graduated. When we watched the confessionals a lightbulb went on. I saw myself from the outside for once and realized I have been seeing myself wrong my entire life. So then I thought about what I had to do to reflect that from inside. I had a minor bout of depression and also a concussion, so between the 2 of them I wasn't capable of implementing anything. Then I was talking to said one on one person again and he encouraged me to start small. So I did and it all exploded from there. I have finally opened up completely to my fellow interns. I have put myself in a vulnerable position with them as friends, and it has done nothing but solidify our friendships. It is awesome. I am making major progress and it is good. I can take constructive criticism and not get annoyed at being told what to do (all the strong willed people raise your hands with me, ha ha).

I feel it. I feel different. I feel free. I feel love for everyone I know. I know who I am as a person and in God. I actually feel is probably one of the biggeat things I've noticed. I don't feel nothing but I actually feel and recognize emotions. As anyone with clinical depression can tell you, feeling nothing is the norm for it.

So now that I've blurted it all out I must sleep. I need to be up early for Christmas service.

Ch'tite Geekette: I'm a little Woodstock, short and stout...

How cute is this?



Ch'tite Geekette: I'm a little Woodstock, short and stout...: My attempt at creating a scene... Next time I'll think about centering the subject :) Today was the last day for sending out the...

Generally I Like It

Ok, so I decided today to talk about making the films. I used that title because it's funny to me (I don't care about the flaws, I still love Moulin Rouge).

So I know I can be a lot unprofessional sometimes and I can get distracted easily. I'm working on that and that's why I get  the people to be AD that I do, because I know they will keep shooting and myself on track. Which is good to have the reminder that we can have fun but get the job done efficiently. The thing is knowing your weaknesses and working on them, and having someone balance them out. Like any partnership. Surrounding yourself with a good crew is essential. Granted we have a skeleton crew, but I know they will do what is needed when asked. Perhaps I need to AD a few times and that will help.

I wasn't as prepared as I'd like to have been. Some of the things you don't realize you've not prepared enough are from lack of experience and others just got forgotten. Working on that as well. Sometimes I am very much a fly by the seat of you pants person and that doesn't work as a director.

Another thing that is needing a lot of work on my side is communication. With my crew and actors on what I want and how I want it done. I am relying far too much on others experience and letting them figure it out. I need to be the captain of the ship and guide them not let them guide me. I need to act on trusting my instincts and standing firm. That being said I do love the actors I have worked with. I have learned a lot from them. I have appreciated their patience and guiding when needed.

I need to hang out on more sets and watch directors work so I can actually hear what they are saying and how they do things. Behind the scenes footage doesn't always give you that. Director commentaries are good though. Tarsem's commentary on The Fall was really good. That journey was a fascinating story on its own.

I still only want to do this. I only want to make films and films that matter. I may have gotten a late start at it, but I now it's what I was born to do. Even as a kid being bossy when we were playing pretend "You do this and I'm going to do this." and as a kid watching films in wide eyed fascination I knew.

Have a great day everyone.

And So We Shall Go To War

I don't know how to start this one. It is going to sound insane, if you aren't a Christian. After filming today (which I loved every minute of and I'll talk about after) we were all exhausted. I was checking facebook in the office after dinner and showed Hanna something. We started talking and suddenly we started praying about things (I won't say specifics as I don't feel comfortable with that due to people being prayed for also) and it went on for over 2 hours. The building and the office was part of it. We could feel God moving and it was freaking awesome. Total spiritual warfare going on in there.

Today we filmed the second of three days for the current short film. I love the people I worked with. The actors were fantastic and my crew is always awesome. Today we had a kid filming on set. It was actually pretty good. I know it won't always be like that. Kids will be kids, ha ha. He was a trooper and it was good for all of us to experience. You could tell the actors have worked with kids before. That helped.

So Christmas is coming up and that means it's almost Hobbit time!!! Yes!!!! I've been so patient, only whining a little bit. Ha ha.

Anyways, it is sleep time. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we have a 3 day break. I want to go to a beach but everyone else in Australia will be going to a beach. Too many people means me freaking out. So Merry Christmas everyone! Hugs and love.

Still Working On Believing.

"Also I feel more like I'm "me" this week than I have in a long time aka before the great mental collapse of 2010. I should go blog that one."

Well I just wrote that on facebook so here I am with it now. How do I describe what it's like? Basically when I'm unwell, having depression and anxiety symptoms, I have less energy than normal. I don't like to interact with people as that takes away the energy to even eat or have a shower. So in those moments I shut people out. I withdraw from the world. I have no enjoyment in my work, even films which I would rather be doing and getting out of bed may be hard some days, but for that it is so worth it. This happened for a good 3 weeks since NZ and a lot during SDF (due to not being well and the intensity). This week though I have stepped out more. I started implementing my plan I came up with when I realized I have been looking at myself wrong my entire life (if you want to know what that means shoot me a message and I'll let you know, it's not like I'm the only one but it's a bit long to talk about). I am being more open and vulnerable and I kind of hate it but it's what needs to be done. I hate one on ones because I have to talk to someone face to face and be open and whatnot about the stuff I hate talking about. Avoidance doesn't work with said one on one either, I tried. Ha ha ha. So anyways this week I may have had a cold, but I felt more alive than I have in so long. I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am surrounded by amazing people and I should show them that more often. Last night Hanna and I had an awesome conversation where I finally opened up properly and we both gave to the conversation and had awesome bonding session. Which is great especially if we are going to be working in the same proximity for as long as it looks like we are going to be, ha ha ha. I don't always sensor my conversations with people, it's just what I choose to reveal and what I don't. I tend to be a pretty open book, if I don't want to answer a question then I will say so. Otherwise I'm in a spot of ask away. Partly because it helps me process and explain things so I sometimes have revelations of the situation as a result. This helps me not hold on to it and deal properly with it. I think maybe more people should have awesome people to help them get crap out of their heads so they can deal with it or even just be open and vulnerable themselves. I'm expecting these revelations to make me more confident and a better filmmaker as well. I'm good at observation, but communication needs working on.

I need to go have quiet time. I had some, but I need more before tomorrow. It's the first day of filming tomorrow for the first intern short films. I'm up directing first and so I need to go collect my thoughts and print some stuff off. More thoughts etc as they come up.  The photo is more location scouting.

Chant Down Babylon

Ok, not a movie reference but a tv show episode title. Why break the chain of movie related? It was appropriate. That episode was about miracles when all hope seems lost and in the end what is meant to be still happens. How does this relate? I won't have to leave on Sunday, even if I don't have all the money. I still need it and everyone's help, but I can stay. If I hadn't been so tired and coughing at the drop of a hat I might have cried when I was told. God knows what he's doing even if I don't. I still need around $1630 and the $300 to pay for the change to my flight home by Feb. The $1630 I do need asap though. I thank all who have contributed so far. I love you all and I will never forget. Know that with every film I make now and in the future you are all a part of it. If I ever win an Oscar (yeah, I dream big, ever since I was a kid I've wanted one ha ha) I won't be able to mention everyone by name, but you all know that you will be a part of it. So I need to sleep now, being sick and all. There is more I just have to think of it in the morning.

So in a continuation the $1630 is on its way to me. If I wasn't coughing still I'd probably cry. It keeps with the miracle topic for this.

Last night (Wed the 17) was mandatory fun, aka the activity is mandatory whether you have fun is your choice. I had fun. Went through some gardens and geo-cached. Almost found it but ran out of time. I wanted to climb the trees but I was wearing the wrong footwear and snakes and spiders in the dark. Yeah.

So I am just finishing getting over a cold and the last 4 weeks of internship have been a bit rough. The cold is what killed this week. The weeks before it was depression rearing its ugly head. It was bad but not too bad. I isolated myself somewhat...a lot. It's just one of those things. Being around people when not working took too much of my limited energy. It's not quite great relatively speaking yet, but it is better. Last night (19th) a bunch of us hung out and watched movies. I laughed so hard I had breathing trouble all day. Which didn't go well with rehearsals today. I had my first rehearsal with outside actors today. Basically introducing everyone, doing a read through, watching them interact. This is going to be fun. :D The two leads are hilarious. I just watched them play off each other for a bit. Then this evening I had girl talk with Hanna for most of the evening. That was fantastic. I love our office and everyone in it. I know I say love a lot about people and movies. I also know there are different forms of love. Love and respect among friends and co-workers is how I see them. Love isn't words. It's actions and making an effort for them and giving to them. I don't want to be a taker, I want to give to my friends and family.

Ok, I think I have caught up with the gut spilling for now. I am on a path in life. I know it's the right one no matter how much I doubt sometimes. Love you all.

Back to the Future

So I feel like I'm out of touch with the rest of the world. After talking to my one on one I feel more ok with the transition from where I was to where I am and am going. I like how he relates his similar experiences and you realize it's a normal thing really. Periods of adjusment always are. I already know some of what I have to do when I get home, that's ok. I'm fine with it. My future lies in film, and I know it. I may have gotten a late start and I still have a lot to learn, but it is what it is and I'm actually excited for the future. Granted I will always have clinical depression so I won't always feel excited for the future, but there is a purpose and it will be fulfilled.

Today we decorated to office for Christmas. Hee hee. Wobbs has a couple of decorative disco balls on him. For New Years I will set up a dance station for him on my desk. Ha ha. It's officially summer here. It goes by the change of the month as opposed to the equinox etc. It takes some getting used to, but it doesn't really change a lot anyways.

I'm still looking for fundraising ideas if anyone has any they'd be willing to pass on. I will be attempting to make hats to sell for next time when I get home, but that's over 2 months away still.

Well, I have homework to finish and sleep to do as well. Blessings to all and goodnight.

Everything Is Awesome

 The last few days have been interesting. Due to the having to leave the country for visa reasons I didn't get a medication refill before I left (I didn't have time or opportunity). So I had to half my dose for about a week to a week and a half. That was ok, however I ran out for half a week before I got the refill. Now I think it's catching up to me. I've been so tired for the last 3 days. Today I've felt down and yesterday I had a higher anxiety level. I didn't have any panic attacks, so that's good. I know once my body builds up the medication again it will stop. I felt like the socially awkward penguin yesterday at church. Kind of just standing around not knowing how to approach people to talk. Being treated like I didn't exist by someone who interrupted a conversation (literally walked between me and the person I was talking to) and acted like I wasn't there, even when someone else came over. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it was pretty rude. What people think of me is not what defines me. I may not be the typical put together female, but that doesn't mean I get to be treated like a second class person by people as a result. What defines me is how I treat people and how I react to them. I may be frustrated by that treatment, but I'm looking to the root of why I am so bothered by it so I can fix the problem with my attitude as a result of it and let it go.

So far the internship is going well. I have been working on transcribing a film with time codes and everything. I used to write out the lyrics to songs all the time that I taped off the radio as a kid, so I'm pretty good at it, lol. We have started our first of the 2 films for the internship, there are 2 films in this part and in the second half of the school we get to do another one each. I couldn't come up with a pitch, so I'm directing someone else's written work. It should be interesting as she's the DP.

So I went to Supanova (comic convention) on Saturday. There was an actor from The Hobbit, now I've got 5 out of 13 dwarves autographs, so that was the must do one. Alan Tudyk (love, love, love that guy), Jamie Bamber (huge fan, even watched Pulse 2 for him), and Tahmoh Penikett were on my meet list. So I did. Both Tahmoh and Jamie told me to give them a job after school. I said I will, once I write it. I don't know if they realize that I really will go after them as I will be making a feature film or two (ok, more really) in the next years at some point. I geeked out on Facebook so I've lost the initial excitement to talk about it here, lol. All four of them are quite interesting and nice. It's part of the job for them, but they were very engaging. Peter Hambleton (the dwarf in Hobbit) said the world needs more directors that are good with actors, like Peter Jackson. Then he winked. So my current goal is to research the "actor's" directors so I can be even better and communicate better with the actors and in general. The best part was showing an actor that was in Star Wars Episode 3 the teaser trailer for Episode 7 and watching his reaction in real time as he hadn't seen it yet. Priceless.

Ok, back to a random story I'm writing that may not make it to my journal as it may be too long. Oh well, I'll probably use it anyways.