Seasons May Change

I know it's been a few weeks. The internship ended without the final film being as edited as it should have been. That's frustrating. We played laser tag and I finally got to participate in that. I never got a beach day. Yes, I was gutted that I didn't. I went to study and work, not to have fun and be a tourist in Oz. I accomplished that.

The last week before I left Oz I was trying to put on a happy front, inside I was sad and full of dread to return to the ordinary. The thing about doing something extraordinary is that you become ruined for the ordinary or the extraordinary becomes your new level of ordinary.

So I'm back in Canada, my body refuses to adjust to the time zone, and I have a cold. Whee. Makes for an unfun first week back. However I have seen a few friends, family, and my cats. That helps. I do miss the crew and the work back in Oz. I know I'm going back so that helps. Seasons change, when I go back it will be different than the internship as the internship was from the SDF. Different dynamics. It will be challenging and fun. I can't wait.

So my next steps are work (which I need to leave for shortly), sort out my things, and raise support for going back. So much to do, so little time.

Like I said, I must go to work. Pray I don't injure myself.

These Little Wonders Still Remain

So this morning I was thinking about how people joke about small thing amusing small minds (or simple things amusing simple minds) and it made me a bit annoyed. I simply do not find that to always be true. So my title is a song lyric from a song written for a film. The back story behind it is great. Short story, Rob Thomas wrote it for his dog Tyler (RIP, Tyler). The whole story though is more interesting. When I was at his show in 2009 in Vancouver he told us how it came about. It was pouring rain (in NY City) and he had to take Tyler for a walk. He was hating every minute of it and there was a lot of life things he was dealing with. Tyler, as dogs do, thought it was the best thing ever and was just so excited to be out for a walk with his owner just being. Tyler was so excited by the small things and Rob realized that Tyler had it right and he didn't. So when he got back he wrote the song.

Life sometimes hands you crappy things. It happens. Stress from work, relationships, etc can make you like Rob in that moment. It happens to all of us.

So where is this going? Bear with me as I re-concussed myself a bit.

I have gone through a lot of shit. I have clinical depression, anxiety, now post concussion. I have nearly drowned (at 2 years old), been molested, had bad relationships with controlling or manipulative men, seen a classmate's dead body briefly hanging from a swing set, been physically and emotionally bullied. There have been many moments where I should be dead (I counted 10 at least that for the grace of God I survived). With all these things (and more that I may have forgotten) you would think I would hate the world and everyone in it. I don't.

So here it is. I am easily amused by little things. The little fish that eat dead skin, lizards that are catchable, cats, baby animals, stupid jokes, watching good friends interact, fangirling about actors or shows that I love. I am so unapologetic about it as well. Do I come across like an airhead or a child? Yes, absolutely. You know what though? Some people could use a dose of being like that themselves. Letting go of their jaded cynicism, their past hurts. Some people need to open their eyes and see the world and appreciate those little wonders. I'm not an idiot, I'm not simple or stupid. I'm just appreciating the little things God has given us to appreciate. This week I challenge everyone to keep a list of the little things that they appreciate or enjoyed. Just one week really look for the little wonders in life. Take a picture or write it down. I'm going to hastag littlewonders for at least a week. Join me, you know you want to.

For a Dreamer Night's the Only Time of Day

It has been so long. There has been much filming and stressful preproduction. Our second short films have been shot. I spent the day completely knackered. It was all obviously worth it though.

I fly home in less than two weeks. I'm so torn on it. I want to see my family and friends, yet I don't want to leave here at all. I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and now I have to leave. I know I'm coming back in a couple of months, and it will go so fast, but I just don't want to leave. I will miss everyone here, some of whom will be here when I get back. I want them to come to the airport, but I don't. It's a good thing one of the girls and I are on the same flight to LA. That will make it easier. The hard part will be in LA leaving her when my body is saying it's time to sleep. Stages of goodbyes and travel. Hmmm. Good thing we will have chick flicks for the plane and tears as a result. Ha ha.

God is teaching me faith, perseverance, trust, patience, holding onto His promises and my dreams. Giving those dreams to Him. Good stuff really. I feel like I might actually finally know who I am in Him and can now walk that in confidence. Also I'm a freaking filmmaker! Finally! Ha ha ha haaaa!

On that note my bed is actually calling me again so I must listen so I can work tomorrow.

What's So Great About Normal?

Exactly. Screw normal. It's all relative anyways.

Stand By Me

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hannahjewell/historical-women-who-gave-no-fcks?s=mobile

Ok so that is the article I mentioned on Facebook. I said I should take some lessons from them on not giving a f***. I feel perhaps some clarification is in order.

So as it was pointed out to me, growth is good but unless you have accepted yourself as a person, for who you are at that moment and as God made you, then is it really growth or trying to please some ideal or people? It comes back to, still, task based approval or true growth as a person.

So I know at the moment I should be focused on my current tasks of practical application. It occured to me that how I view myself directly relates to how I view directing. Until I reconcile the one I can't be better at the other. If I am not accepting of myself and confident in who I am as a child of God, how can I be a confident director? I'll always question my sanity for wanting to be a director and question my directorial decisions, but at least it will be going boldly. Oh golly. Flashbacks to a Comic Expo chat with Gates McFadden. In everything go boldly, it doesn't matter what it is. Well, I needed that right now. Hopefully some of you did as well.

So back to the initial growth thing and not giving a f***. I still, for reasons I may not have figured out yet, feel like I'm wrestling with task based things making me a good person or better person. It's wrong. It is so the wrong way to view things. What you do doesn't make you a good person. It is not your identity. What your heart is on the inside is what makes you a good person or not. What God made you to do and be is what makes you who you are. Not some random approval based on someone else's standards. I know this but I don't always act on it properly. If your heart is right and you know who you are in God, all other things will flow from that and it still doesn't matter if people approve, or your church approves. Who cares if you chase lizards or like playing tackle sports. Who cares if you have the most perfect co-ordinated outfit in the room. If you put your (or someone elses) identity and value in those things then perhaps you need to look at yourself long and hard.

So today (since this one has been 2 days in the writing) the pastor was talking about rest and resting in God. Also making a spot on your calendar for your priorities. Good stuff. I was trying to think of the one word I would put on my calendar. I still have no idea, but it was a good sermon and I'll come up with a word later.

In conclusion. I now choose not to let external forces dictate who I am or how I feel about things. I have no f***s to give to what people think or how I should come across or what society thinks is the standard I should live up to. I have only a certain amout of energy and I can't waste it on that. It will suck the life out of me. I will grow. I will finally accept who I am and it will not be task based. That will no longer control me. God made me the way I am and He loves me how He made me. I will keep seeking Him and doing what He asks and I will be confident in it knowing that He put me there for a reason and I can do it with Him.

Ok, peace out.

Agony!

Not really, but having seen Into the Woods the other night that song is in my head and that scene is hilarious.

So there is a lot going on in my head still. I wish they were stories, but mostly it's figuring out who I am, growing, what I'm striving for, changes, why changes or what do some of the growth and changes mean and who they are for.

Today it was a good discussion on that. I feel like right now there are things I need to do to be more professional (like when location scouting etc) when needed. I will always be that t-shirt and jeans and sneakers tomboy. However if I'm going to be taken seriously I feel like I should look the part as well. It comes down to wanting to be the best version of me I can be without losing myself in the process. I never want to lose myself. I always want to be that tree climbing, sports playing, small town dreamer. I just also want to be able to do the job and do it properly. I'm not saying I'm going to turn into a glamazon (although I think wearing heels more often could be fun...see, something must be wrong with me, ha ha ha) but there's a time and a place and I need to fit the role.

Then the question comes of why? Who am I doing this for? Some standard that people expect that is never good enough no matter what you do? Or for me knowing that I am striving to be the best version of me I can be? Or even God, who accepts me as is, so I can properly do the work He has called me to do? Yes to any single one of those is bullshit. Yes to all 3 would be more accurate but the reasons are still self serving to a degree because it is still all about making movies and presentation. Doing what you have to do to fit a role, like actors do.

It comes down to this, as was pointed out to me and is true the more I think about it: I still do not accept myself as is. God does, my friends and family do, but I don't. Bottomline. I see all my flaws and things I don't like. I see my mental illness and eccentric (to a degree) ways and I don't really accept myself. In spite of the working on that internally (which will show itself externally) since I left for NZ after SDF I still find that to me some things are currently seeming insurmountable and I can't fathom how people (and God) can look past those things. I know they do and love me in spite of those things, so why can't I do the same for myself? It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen. I know it will. It's just another thing on my to do list.

Also I think I should use classmates and get them to stand in to take photos and make my storyboards out of. Yeah, that could work. :D No more stick figures and aliens, ha ha ha.

So I need to sleep as I need desperately to write in the morning. Also Unbroken was a very inspiring film and I'd love to read the book.

Who Are You?

So I got thinking about how a person is not their illness (in my case clinical depression and anxiety). It led me down a rabbit trail of being defined by somethings. Somethings being things in your life. Let's use cats as an example (one of many that can be used). In my case people automatically associate me with cats. For good reason, I like them and they like me back. It's fine when people think of or see a cat and think of me. Sometimes it feels like that is all they see though. The movie loving, nerdy, crazy, cat lady. Yep, that's the common association with me. Cats are therapeutic as well, their purrs are proven to be calming and relaxing. That's why I go for "fuzz/kitten therapy" having a bunch of kittens happy to see you and purring does help calm anxiety. Then I get a tad defensive about it because there's nothing wrong with liking cats and it doesn't make me like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons. Anyways, so those things help make up me but they don't define me, even when it feels like it. Some days I feel like I have to maintain that because it is expected. It feels like people forget there is more to me than that. There is more to anyone than a few in your face aspects of their personality and likes and dislikes.

So that leads me to think again about who am I? A person asked me and I didn't know how to answer. I still don't know if I know how to answer it because I feel that it is more complex than just a "woman that has clinical depression, loves movies and cats, is creepily good with faces" type of answer. So that is surface stuff, but deep down who are you really? Why does your behaviour change to suit others? Why should that even matter? Not saying I always do that (change behaviour to suit others, heck no. If you want to think I'm on drugs because I'm excited then that is your issue and not mine) but everyone does at some point. I don't think anyone is truly themselves all the time. I feel like I want to be defined by personality traits that are based on character and not tastes. The little and subtle things. Like ok, being introverted is a pretty defining characteristic that tends to drive how I think and what I do. I'd like to be known by qualities like if I'm a kind person or a selfish bitch (preferably not the latter). Someone who is smart (yes, I know I can seem an airhead, I get lost in my head, but I'm not stupid) and my relationships with God and my friends. These are the things I want to be defined by, not my cats (although you can't hide that ha ha) or nerdiness. There is nothing wrong with those things, but again they do not define me. The more I think on it, the more I realize I know who I am and I need to live that and not what people expect me to be. I try to do that anyways but I don't always come across as confident as I'd like to. Back to the song I've Gotta Be Me. I like the first 2 verses as there is no going it alone in filmmaking and I don't care about having it all:

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And I won't give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am

That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I've gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I've gotta be me

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me