A Walk To Remember

So what happens after you have a breakthrough? Usually a slap back, that's what. Something fighting to keep you in the status quo. I knew it was coming, I've felt crap for awhile and the big bad wolf is knocking on my door. I thought I was feeling better, but those were just moments of awesome as opposed to actual doing better. I was over-caffeinating myself on tea or whatever I could get my hands on that was liquid caffeine (but not coffee). Then the anxiety skyrocketed. I want to function normally. I want to not feel off my rocker crazy. I want to have a proper life that isn't a daily fight to do anything. I can hardly watch my own film footage because it's heavy. Yet the only thing I can think to pitch on Friday is serious again. Not as heavy though. So I lie here and question everything I think about my life. I lie to myself and the world every day that I'm "happy" or "fully functional". I'm not. Today I wanted to take a mental health day and go to bed as I was feeling like everything was out of control. I didn't, I just went for short walks from the office. It's worse when I'm in my head and I get pulled out suddenly. I'm an introvert, my brain paths are long and winding to get where they are going to begin with. Blargh. Again, I'm not stopping fighting. I'm just tired of fighting at the moment.

Wake Up, Sweetheart

So I was looking at the last title and I thought it didn't really fit, yet it did because I have tried to run from who I am and failed so I'm over it. That was hinted at, but not really expanded on near the end.

So who am I? Well, I'm not Jean Valjean. (see what I did there?) I feel like I know (I have been asked that question recently) but can I put it into words? Nope, not really. I just show it more than say it because that is how I tend to do things. I can do words on a page but having them come out of my mouth is a different story. Is it fear that stops me? If I speak it out it is solid and true, is that scary? Speaking it out over myself. Am I really that self-focused? I don't think so as I hardly think about these things until they are brought up.

Like today. Someone pointed out something that it turns out is an uncomfortable truth. I don't know this person all that well, but sometimes this person says things that make me aware of issues that need to be resolved. I don't like it and I've been told not to let it bother me. It doesn't bother me, it's just that I apparently haven't dealt with it like I thought I had. We are all constant works in progress, the key is to actually do the work or let the work be done on us.

One thing I'm coming to terms with is my tomboy streak. It will never go away. I may always be more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt or sports tank tops etc. I want to keep it like that forever, however due to the path I have chosen to walk down I need to have a more professional attire. I have actually been looking at skirts and dresses and nice looking shirts going "Oh, that's cute. I'd wear that." Of course I followed that up by looking at the Aisics attire in the sports clothes shop so I'd feel more normal again. It's funny, I laugh at it. I have to accept that I can still be me while fitting a working role. It weirds me out though. It doesn't seem right after this many years of not caving to societal pressure. Oh well, it was something I learned from watching The Devil Wears Prada a few weeks ago and the post film discussion. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, just don't lose yourself.

I constantly question if being a director is the road I am to take. I know there are other directors that question why they put themselves through it. We're masochists for our method of communicating is what I think it is. Story is how I show my insides that are finally letting themselves out for a walk. (Ok, the mental picture of my physical insides doing this means only one thing, I should go to sleep.) Already I have done this and it will only keep going.

Anyways, I have to go write a fictional story now that will probably be weird and have aliens or something. It's not for a script this time. Ha ha.

We Can't Just Run Away From Who We Are

Well, I thought I had one going for the last few day, but apparently not. This year so far has been hit and miss. Mostly hit. Today we ladies watched Brave after work and had popcorn. I ate so much I may not need breakfast. It is going to be a year of many changes and walking in faith. I know what I am to do, it's just doing it and not letting the obstacles obscure my vision of where the road leads.

Hanna suggested Brave was perfect for us because we are being brave just to be here and walking the road we have chosen. It's true. It's a scary road that twists and turns and has obscured destinations and forks. We won't see them until we get there.

Saturday, here, we finished filming the last bits for the film I'm directing. I got some more advice from the actors and I need to figure out how applying that looks for me as a person.

Today I watched footage and had a few issues with the computer so no editing has been started yet, but it wil be worked on and finished by Friday. It's been a stormy day today, and I love it. Saturday started with a storm while getting ready to film so we had to rearrange filming locations and times. Cancelling was not an option as far as I was concerned.

I have realized that my films are real. I don't mind it, I actually think it's a great thing, but I want to do a not so serious one next. The last two were pretty heavy and watching that stuff is hard emotionally. Which is a good thing, don't get me wrong. It means people will relate and perhaps have a change for the better in their lives. That is really what I want to do. Make an impact and make people think about their lives and re-evaluate where they are and what they are doing.

Anyways, bed is calling and tomorrow requires brains again. Goodnight all.

Hope Floats...

Well the end of the year is near and it's been a long and interesting one.

It literally started with some news I expected yet dreaded to hear, my mentor's body had been found nearly 3 months after she went missing. It was suicide. A battle I have faced as well over the last 20 years or so. That moment when someone you respected, that helped heal you and bring you closer to God, that spoke words of life and love and was going to go on a missions trip succumbed to the disease that has gripped both of your lives for so long is a hard one to come to terms with. I spent some time asking God the usual questions of why that person and why have I not succumbed. I know why I haven't, my work on earth is not done yet. It still is a question that anyone with a major depression diagnosis probably asks themselves. So 10 days into the year I went to her memorial service. I hope that when God finally calls me home that it will be as big a celebration of life lived well and lived for God as hers was. At the service God showed up and He started whispering that big things were on the way. I could feel it. At the time I didn't know what it meant or who He was going to make those big things happen for. I knew something was going to happen with me, but it also felt like a general thing.

So the year kept going. I worked, hung out with friends, did a lot of cat rescue/shelter work. Tried to work up to running the Spartan Race in Calgary in August. As the year progressed I started to slide into that hole of darkness again. It wasn't debilitating yet but it was affecting my life. I wanted to yell at it and just begged God to make it go away again. It is a medical condition. That is all. I didn't (ok, don't) want it to define me. I am not depression, it is something I have that I sometimes worry will take over my life again to the point where I may not survive it. However I can't focus on that. It makes things harder but I won't let it ruin my life like I nearly did before. So anyways my parents could see it as well. Fortunately they know what to look for. One day near then end of June and beginning of July I got a message asking if I was still interested in SDF. Of course I was, but life was not looking like it would let me go this year so I promised to do next year. So as things go everything fell into place and all my excuses were stomped on. Fear still reigned over my wanting to be a filmmaker. A month later I was on the plane heading to the film school that I knew I was going to attend in the location I was supposed to attend before the school existed in that location. Fear still held me back for half the school. In the end, as the past blogs have indicated, I fought for it and I finished it. In the process God did amazing things in my life and in others lives and I met some amazing people that I know I will be friends and collegues with for a long time.

So now here it is, the end of the year again. I have started down the path of becoming a director, finally. Better late than never though. Next year it is going to continue. There is much to learn and I intend to learn it. I intend to work with it. I feel like God has told me the path I am to follow. It is going to be long and hard, but it is supposed to happen so I will trust Him to see me through. Next year is going to be awesome. It is going to be more and better than I expect it to be. Things have been set in motion and they are going to continue, not just with me either. I'm excited to see what He is going to do in people's lives next year. So with this I have no resolutions, just things I need to do that aren't well meaning set ups for failure. I have a Hopes and Dreams jar where I write them out on paper and put them there. The jar is symbolic of being God's hands. All my hopes and dreams for the future and 2015 are in His hands. I hope and pray that all my friends have a great year next year. That you reclaim what has been lost and look to the future with hope and peace and have an abundance of blessings. I love you all.

Inside Out

Ok, another one even though I said I was going to be offline for the rest of today, Christmas Day, and Boxing Day.

Sometimes in life you go through a pile of poo and it affects the rest of your life, for good or for ill. Last night I realized I have been divorced for 10 years this September. So much has happened in those 10 years and none of it would have happened if it hadn't been for that divorce. I wouldn't have gone to the house church and learned about DTS. I wouldn't have gone to DTS and I may even be dead as a result of staying stuck, not doing what I was made to do, and then the clinical depression winning. I would not have heard about SDF and I wouldn't be sitting on this dorm floor in Brisbane (exactly the place God told me to go to film school before the school existed). It's crazy the awesomeness that came out of it. The unconditional love and friendships that have developed are some of my most treasured things in life. (Also having a best friend, Jenny, who walked through all of the crap of the last 15 years with me so patient and supportive through all of it. I think it helped solidify our friendship.)

There is the other side though. The rejection (the now wife, then new girlfriend, is "like you only better") and feelings of not being worth anything. The walls being built and not budging to be brought down. The lack of belief and trust in people until you realize they love you as is. The lack of confidence in yourself. There's so much more but I think those are the main longest lasting ones.

When I came back from DTS I had changed, some of that stuff was worked out but not all of it. I took a chance and got hurt again badly a few years after. Again the walls etc were back in place. I found out how much my friends cared about me and loved me. That got me through. I was already well into a depression before that relationship started but I didn't recognize it. I was starting to sink again just before I came here. One of the things with the school is we have to have one on ones with a staff. I am pretty blunt and honest, but I do not like to open up. I also divert the topic if it makes me uncomfortable. Fortunately my one on one was really good and for some reason I would blurt stuff out I don't like talking about. It helped me figure out why somethings are the way they are and what I need to change. Also in the school it was brought to our attention that filmmakers have to be open and vulnerable as if you don't feel it your audience won't feel it. Well, that was the kicker for me. That made me struggle through the first half at least of the school until I was broken. I did better at that, and it showed in my final film project, yet it still wasn't enough. Then we graduated. When we watched the confessionals a lightbulb went on. I saw myself from the outside for once and realized I have been seeing myself wrong my entire life. So then I thought about what I had to do to reflect that from inside. I had a minor bout of depression and also a concussion, so between the 2 of them I wasn't capable of implementing anything. Then I was talking to said one on one person again and he encouraged me to start small. So I did and it all exploded from there. I have finally opened up completely to my fellow interns. I have put myself in a vulnerable position with them as friends, and it has done nothing but solidify our friendships. It is awesome. I am making major progress and it is good. I can take constructive criticism and not get annoyed at being told what to do (all the strong willed people raise your hands with me, ha ha).

I feel it. I feel different. I feel free. I feel love for everyone I know. I know who I am as a person and in God. I actually feel is probably one of the biggeat things I've noticed. I don't feel nothing but I actually feel and recognize emotions. As anyone with clinical depression can tell you, feeling nothing is the norm for it.

So now that I've blurted it all out I must sleep. I need to be up early for Christmas service.

Ch'tite Geekette: I'm a little Woodstock, short and stout...

How cute is this?



Ch'tite Geekette: I'm a little Woodstock, short and stout...: My attempt at creating a scene... Next time I'll think about centering the subject :) Today was the last day for sending out the...

Generally I Like It

Ok, so I decided today to talk about making the films. I used that title because it's funny to me (I don't care about the flaws, I still love Moulin Rouge).

So I know I can be a lot unprofessional sometimes and I can get distracted easily. I'm working on that and that's why I get  the people to be AD that I do, because I know they will keep shooting and myself on track. Which is good to have the reminder that we can have fun but get the job done efficiently. The thing is knowing your weaknesses and working on them, and having someone balance them out. Like any partnership. Surrounding yourself with a good crew is essential. Granted we have a skeleton crew, but I know they will do what is needed when asked. Perhaps I need to AD a few times and that will help.

I wasn't as prepared as I'd like to have been. Some of the things you don't realize you've not prepared enough are from lack of experience and others just got forgotten. Working on that as well. Sometimes I am very much a fly by the seat of you pants person and that doesn't work as a director.

Another thing that is needing a lot of work on my side is communication. With my crew and actors on what I want and how I want it done. I am relying far too much on others experience and letting them figure it out. I need to be the captain of the ship and guide them not let them guide me. I need to act on trusting my instincts and standing firm. That being said I do love the actors I have worked with. I have learned a lot from them. I have appreciated their patience and guiding when needed.

I need to hang out on more sets and watch directors work so I can actually hear what they are saying and how they do things. Behind the scenes footage doesn't always give you that. Director commentaries are good though. Tarsem's commentary on The Fall was really good. That journey was a fascinating story on its own.

I still only want to do this. I only want to make films and films that matter. I may have gotten a late start at it, but I now it's what I was born to do. Even as a kid being bossy when we were playing pretend "You do this and I'm going to do this." and as a kid watching films in wide eyed fascination I knew.

Have a great day everyone.