And So We Shall Go To War

I don't know how to start this one. It is going to sound insane, if you aren't a Christian. After filming today (which I loved every minute of and I'll talk about after) we were all exhausted. I was checking facebook in the office after dinner and showed Hanna something. We started talking and suddenly we started praying about things (I won't say specifics as I don't feel comfortable with that due to people being prayed for also) and it went on for over 2 hours. The building and the office was part of it. We could feel God moving and it was freaking awesome. Total spiritual warfare going on in there.

Today we filmed the second of three days for the current short film. I love the people I worked with. The actors were fantastic and my crew is always awesome. Today we had a kid filming on set. It was actually pretty good. I know it won't always be like that. Kids will be kids, ha ha. He was a trooper and it was good for all of us to experience. You could tell the actors have worked with kids before. That helped.

So Christmas is coming up and that means it's almost Hobbit time!!! Yes!!!! I've been so patient, only whining a little bit. Ha ha.

Anyways, it is sleep time. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we have a 3 day break. I want to go to a beach but everyone else in Australia will be going to a beach. Too many people means me freaking out. So Merry Christmas everyone! Hugs and love.

Still Working On Believing.

"Also I feel more like I'm "me" this week than I have in a long time aka before the great mental collapse of 2010. I should go blog that one."

Well I just wrote that on facebook so here I am with it now. How do I describe what it's like? Basically when I'm unwell, having depression and anxiety symptoms, I have less energy than normal. I don't like to interact with people as that takes away the energy to even eat or have a shower. So in those moments I shut people out. I withdraw from the world. I have no enjoyment in my work, even films which I would rather be doing and getting out of bed may be hard some days, but for that it is so worth it. This happened for a good 3 weeks since NZ and a lot during SDF (due to not being well and the intensity). This week though I have stepped out more. I started implementing my plan I came up with when I realized I have been looking at myself wrong my entire life (if you want to know what that means shoot me a message and I'll let you know, it's not like I'm the only one but it's a bit long to talk about). I am being more open and vulnerable and I kind of hate it but it's what needs to be done. I hate one on ones because I have to talk to someone face to face and be open and whatnot about the stuff I hate talking about. Avoidance doesn't work with said one on one either, I tried. Ha ha ha. So anyways this week I may have had a cold, but I felt more alive than I have in so long. I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am surrounded by amazing people and I should show them that more often. Last night Hanna and I had an awesome conversation where I finally opened up properly and we both gave to the conversation and had awesome bonding session. Which is great especially if we are going to be working in the same proximity for as long as it looks like we are going to be, ha ha ha. I don't always sensor my conversations with people, it's just what I choose to reveal and what I don't. I tend to be a pretty open book, if I don't want to answer a question then I will say so. Otherwise I'm in a spot of ask away. Partly because it helps me process and explain things so I sometimes have revelations of the situation as a result. This helps me not hold on to it and deal properly with it. I think maybe more people should have awesome people to help them get crap out of their heads so they can deal with it or even just be open and vulnerable themselves. I'm expecting these revelations to make me more confident and a better filmmaker as well. I'm good at observation, but communication needs working on.

I need to go have quiet time. I had some, but I need more before tomorrow. It's the first day of filming tomorrow for the first intern short films. I'm up directing first and so I need to go collect my thoughts and print some stuff off. More thoughts etc as they come up.  The photo is more location scouting.

Chant Down Babylon

Ok, not a movie reference but a tv show episode title. Why break the chain of movie related? It was appropriate. That episode was about miracles when all hope seems lost and in the end what is meant to be still happens. How does this relate? I won't have to leave on Sunday, even if I don't have all the money. I still need it and everyone's help, but I can stay. If I hadn't been so tired and coughing at the drop of a hat I might have cried when I was told. God knows what he's doing even if I don't. I still need around $1630 and the $300 to pay for the change to my flight home by Feb. The $1630 I do need asap though. I thank all who have contributed so far. I love you all and I will never forget. Know that with every film I make now and in the future you are all a part of it. If I ever win an Oscar (yeah, I dream big, ever since I was a kid I've wanted one ha ha) I won't be able to mention everyone by name, but you all know that you will be a part of it. So I need to sleep now, being sick and all. There is more I just have to think of it in the morning.

So in a continuation the $1630 is on its way to me. If I wasn't coughing still I'd probably cry. It keeps with the miracle topic for this.

Last night (Wed the 17) was mandatory fun, aka the activity is mandatory whether you have fun is your choice. I had fun. Went through some gardens and geo-cached. Almost found it but ran out of time. I wanted to climb the trees but I was wearing the wrong footwear and snakes and spiders in the dark. Yeah.

So I am just finishing getting over a cold and the last 4 weeks of internship have been a bit rough. The cold is what killed this week. The weeks before it was depression rearing its ugly head. It was bad but not too bad. I isolated myself somewhat...a lot. It's just one of those things. Being around people when not working took too much of my limited energy. It's not quite great relatively speaking yet, but it is better. Last night (19th) a bunch of us hung out and watched movies. I laughed so hard I had breathing trouble all day. Which didn't go well with rehearsals today. I had my first rehearsal with outside actors today. Basically introducing everyone, doing a read through, watching them interact. This is going to be fun. :D The two leads are hilarious. I just watched them play off each other for a bit. Then this evening I had girl talk with Hanna for most of the evening. That was fantastic. I love our office and everyone in it. I know I say love a lot about people and movies. I also know there are different forms of love. Love and respect among friends and co-workers is how I see them. Love isn't words. It's actions and making an effort for them and giving to them. I don't want to be a taker, I want to give to my friends and family.

Ok, I think I have caught up with the gut spilling for now. I am on a path in life. I know it's the right one no matter how much I doubt sometimes. Love you all.

Back to the Future

So I feel like I'm out of touch with the rest of the world. After talking to my one on one I feel more ok with the transition from where I was to where I am and am going. I like how he relates his similar experiences and you realize it's a normal thing really. Periods of adjusment always are. I already know some of what I have to do when I get home, that's ok. I'm fine with it. My future lies in film, and I know it. I may have gotten a late start and I still have a lot to learn, but it is what it is and I'm actually excited for the future. Granted I will always have clinical depression so I won't always feel excited for the future, but there is a purpose and it will be fulfilled.

Today we decorated to office for Christmas. Hee hee. Wobbs has a couple of decorative disco balls on him. For New Years I will set up a dance station for him on my desk. Ha ha. It's officially summer here. It goes by the change of the month as opposed to the equinox etc. It takes some getting used to, but it doesn't really change a lot anyways.

I'm still looking for fundraising ideas if anyone has any they'd be willing to pass on. I will be attempting to make hats to sell for next time when I get home, but that's over 2 months away still.

Well, I have homework to finish and sleep to do as well. Blessings to all and goodnight.

Everything Is Awesome

 The last few days have been interesting. Due to the having to leave the country for visa reasons I didn't get a medication refill before I left (I didn't have time or opportunity). So I had to half my dose for about a week to a week and a half. That was ok, however I ran out for half a week before I got the refill. Now I think it's catching up to me. I've been so tired for the last 3 days. Today I've felt down and yesterday I had a higher anxiety level. I didn't have any panic attacks, so that's good. I know once my body builds up the medication again it will stop. I felt like the socially awkward penguin yesterday at church. Kind of just standing around not knowing how to approach people to talk. Being treated like I didn't exist by someone who interrupted a conversation (literally walked between me and the person I was talking to) and acted like I wasn't there, even when someone else came over. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it was pretty rude. What people think of me is not what defines me. I may not be the typical put together female, but that doesn't mean I get to be treated like a second class person by people as a result. What defines me is how I treat people and how I react to them. I may be frustrated by that treatment, but I'm looking to the root of why I am so bothered by it so I can fix the problem with my attitude as a result of it and let it go.

So far the internship is going well. I have been working on transcribing a film with time codes and everything. I used to write out the lyrics to songs all the time that I taped off the radio as a kid, so I'm pretty good at it, lol. We have started our first of the 2 films for the internship, there are 2 films in this part and in the second half of the school we get to do another one each. I couldn't come up with a pitch, so I'm directing someone else's written work. It should be interesting as she's the DP.

So I went to Supanova (comic convention) on Saturday. There was an actor from The Hobbit, now I've got 5 out of 13 dwarves autographs, so that was the must do one. Alan Tudyk (love, love, love that guy), Jamie Bamber (huge fan, even watched Pulse 2 for him), and Tahmoh Penikett were on my meet list. So I did. Both Tahmoh and Jamie told me to give them a job after school. I said I will, once I write it. I don't know if they realize that I really will go after them as I will be making a feature film or two (ok, more really) in the next years at some point. I geeked out on Facebook so I've lost the initial excitement to talk about it here, lol. All four of them are quite interesting and nice. It's part of the job for them, but they were very engaging. Peter Hambleton (the dwarf in Hobbit) said the world needs more directors that are good with actors, like Peter Jackson. Then he winked. So my current goal is to research the "actor's" directors so I can be even better and communicate better with the actors and in general. The best part was showing an actor that was in Star Wars Episode 3 the teaser trailer for Episode 7 and watching his reaction in real time as he hadn't seen it yet. Priceless.

Ok, back to a random story I'm writing that may not make it to my journal as it may be too long. Oh well, I'll probably use it anyways.

We Must Away...

Well my time in NZ is at an end. I'm sitting at the airport waiting to check in for my flight back to Brissie. There is nothing to really talk about as far as what I did goes. I pretty much did nothing, ha ha. I spent the entire time relaxing and hanging out with Iris and whanau. Last night we went into Tauranga and down to the Mount (Mt Maunganui). We went to the beach for a bit. So good. My brain had some time to work on healing itself (it's 4 weeks tomorrow since I got the concussion) with no pressure or anything to think about. There are still some issues from it, nothing that time won't take away though. I do have to go back to the dr since I couldn't before I left Oz. It's just a follow up. I still love NZ, I always will that's for sure. Next time I come visit I will definitely do the things I didn't/couldn't this time. That includes bungee jumping and Hobbiton. Hee hee. It's sad to leave, but stage two of Operation Filmmaker is starting. I also saw a dude here in the airport with a sweet camera set up. He appeared to be filming something, he was with official people and another camera guy. Anyways, no internet at the moment so you all won't see this until I get to Brissie. The no internet thing sucks when you are trying to arrange a pick up on the other side. Oh well, I have means to get back it will just take longer. :) Also playing with rugby kiwi toys in the shop (making it do the haka) is a bit too fun.

Now that I'm back in Brissie and the first notification on my phone was that Pat Quinn (epic awesome ice hockey coach, much loved he was) passed away yesterday or the day before, I feel like talking about him and why I got sad. Back in the day he coached Vancouver's NHL team. By back in the day I mean when I was a rink rat (not a groupie, the difference being I liked hockey itself). So you can imagine I saw a lot of the guy. He had a temper when it came to the game itself but he was always good to us as fans. He took that team far, he had great players to work with at the time as well. The hockey world will never see another like him. RIP to the Mighty Quinn. <3

Who Am I?

That moment when you finally realize you have been seeing yourself wrong for your entire life. It's a big one. Bigger than pretty much all other moments. Granted there are many life changing moments, but the one that alters your perception of yourself so radically in such a way is worthy of its own stand back and ponder and then share time. So I realized that at the Brissie airport yesterday (Nov 18/14). I don't mean just how I see myself in the mirror, although that is part of it, but deeper than that. Breakthroughs are so great, I love them. I don't know how to describe what I actually realized though. I'm hoping that the change will be reflected externally. Ok, again with the head. Grrr...I had good stuff this time but if it bugs me I need to stop what I'm doing. Also no wi-fi so all this shall come through late and all together, ha ha. Good night and good morning.