Update time. :)

So update time for the day. Today was day 3 of the medication. This is the part I hate the most, the crazy phase. I feel like I should be locked up just the way I look, look around me, move, feel crappy yet seem not too bad on the outside, jumpy/jittery, constantly fidgeting and talking. As long as I don't talk to myself, especially muttering, I should be ok. I wasn't as hyper, but still very jittery all day. I didn't crash this time though really. Not fun, but I went for a walk this afternoon and one this evening. That's a step up I left the house and didn't panic. Although I nearly did a few times and I was looking all over the place and my fingers wouldn't stop moving, kind of tapping each other. I think if there had been any kind of crowd I would have panicked. People thought I seemed better but I had to explain that it's only day 3 and that was the side effects, not actually better. I'm on an upper while feeling down and until I stabilize I'm not better. Still can't concentrate, slept longer in one stretch last night too. I'm trying not to make the mistake that I feel like I'm better because I'm talkative and leaving the house and feel like I can do anything, when really I'm nowhere near better yet. I had a conversation today that took away one of my stress points, so that was most helpful. I can try to work on my brain better without having to deal with other stuff and suppositions now. I really don't like the upset stomach side effect. If my stomach is empty, the nausea is worse. However, I can't eat either. It is so hard to choke anything down. I can't even drink a can of Coca Cola (which I don't advise anyways, the caffeine on top of the meds is way too much buzz). I should have tea instead, especially herbal or decaf Earl Grey. Mmm...tea.....So anyways I think that is about it for today. No nasty thoughts, well except thoughts of yelling at people and flipping tables over and punching people. I still don't feel like I can be anywhere or do anything for too long, my brain just won't let me do anything. I can't even read a book. It's rotate between flipping channels, even though I know nothing is on tv, and the computer. No movies, no books, no sitting in one place for too long. Except the computer, but when I've run out of stuff to do that interest me on the internet, off I go. So now I have a few messages to write again. Have a good night all.

Hmmm...I think it would be better here...

I think my depression and anxiety disorder would be better dealt with here than facebook. That way whoever wants to read it can as opposed to having everyone on FB read it whether they want to know or not.

So as of right now I have just restarted the medication. I was off of it for 6 years...almost. This disorder was first dealt with 10 years ago, it took 4 years to get to the point where I could go off the medication. So I think this episode started in January and ran all the way through until now. I didn't know it, I didn't recognize the signs. I thought it was just stress and boredom, maybe it was partly. Then there was an event that blindsided me (choosing to leave him out of this, it shall be referred to as the incident of the 18th, or just the incident) and whatever fragile remainder of control I had I lost. So in the last 2 1/2 weeks I have been dealing with both those things, and I finally went to the doctor. I couldn't think, or focus. At work (this was happening on occasion before the incident) I would just stare at the food with nothing going through my head and I had no idea what to do with it, yet I did but my body wouldn't co-operate and scan the darn groceries, until the customer said something to me. I couldn't sleep or eat or get out of bed...still can't sleep and eating is hard to do as well. I took off for what was supposed to be a week of nothing, just alone/down time to try and recover. I went to the beach I grew up at, went to my friend's house where it wasn't in the city and quiet, went to my sister's and pet the 2 1/2 week old kittens. While that was all good it didn't do any good, and I ended up having to come home early because I just couldn't handle it. I still had break down moments, depression, panic attacks, inability to function. I think not showering for 3 days fits in that list too, and not being able to clean the cat box. I also got 2 weeks off of work from the doctor, I'll probably end up with more next time I'm in there.

So here I am day 2 of the medication. So far the upset stomach, insomnia, and headache side effects are all present and accounted for. The hyperactivity this morning I wasn't prepared for, but when that wore off, that really wore off. As I discovered this evening, I still don't want to/can't be around people, I had a panic attack while trying to go see a movie I desperately wanted to watch. I went into the video store to wait and felt it coming, the room spun a bit and my head started to pound as well. I could feel my heart racing and thought, "I'm not going to make it through a 2 1/2 hour movie if I can't even last 5 minutes in the video store." I went outside and tried to psych myself up for it. I was nearly there when people started to show up and I could feel it rising again. So I left, after a 20 minute long losing battle with myself. I cried a bit on the way home, and a bit at home. I'm so disappointed and frustrated by this. I know that even leaving the house solo was a step up, but still I REALLY wanted to see that movie and it's the last night. I tell myself I tried, but wasn't well enough to see it. Still frustrating and disappointing though.

So I guess that's it for now. More updates as this gets played out.

Spring Fever...Grrrrr!!!

Spring has to be the most frustrating time of year for me...ok, I have trouble working all summer as well. Back to spring though. My big problem with spring is after being cooped up all winter because I hate the cold/being cold, I need to get out and let loose. With no car and no where I haven't seen a million times in town, I'm getting very restless. Sure, I one would think that the month spent at the Olympics would help, but no. I'm afraid that just made things worse. I could do things there, hang out with people that I actually felt like I had enough in common with. Here, not so much. I love my friends here, but something feels off and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe the travel bug bit hard again. Maybe I'm just missing people I love enough that it bugs me being here where they aren't. Maybe I'm bored again. Maybe a combination of all of the above. I Know I should be focusing on what I can do while here, and the people, but I tend to spend a lot of time solo, which means I'm always in my head and by myself...and when you are there what is there to think about but oneself and those people not with you? I wish...no, better leave that alone. I better sleep, work again tomorrow. Must keep marching on..."There ain't no other step than one foot right in front of the other...we go where we go we're marching on..."

Ah, Movies Again...Or Not

Is this the right colour? I think so. Anyways, movies. I just lost my train of thought on that one. Ok, in general I have lost my train of thought.

Ok, trying again. The problem with being a wanderer is being grounded. No car, can't really go anywhere, not even for a day. I have to move, I have to go. One can only walk around a small town so many times before it becomes too familiar. Then I get bored, then my mind gets bored and starts wander and invent non-existent things and drama where there isn't anything. One of the guys on the ship said I was a wanderer, I was always looking around the room to see who I was going to talk to next or where I was going to go next (for the record I am already planning next year's vacation...and the year after that, etc). I was constantly being told I knew everyone on the ship, and I spent a huge amount of time wandering around said ship and just talking to whoever I could find. I think part of me is looking for that place that feels like home. I'm not there yet, but even if I was there, I'd have to move around and go explore. I'd just fade away if I couldn't.

One other thing I do want to know...why is it that the issue ridden people seem to find me? This is not dramatic, it's fact. Why do they seem to be drawn to me like a moth to a flame? I could name names, but I won't. That wouldn't be fair to them. I mean huge issues, not the tame whatever ones, but real issues that I am not allowed to mention due to confidentiality promises. It's not like there's just one person doing that either. I think I'm still trying to figure myself out. Aren't we supposed to have done that by the time we're 30? Or am I behind by 6 years due to a certain life event/person? Or have I forgotten some that has remained the same, while other things I have found out as I have gone along? I'm still trying to figure out why relative strangers tell me their issues/problems. Am I really that easy to confide in? Hmmm...not something I've thought of really. I was told that I have this intrinsic ability to bring people together. It's something I do without trying. It just happens. So I flit in like a butterfly, bring people together and leave again to find new people to bring together. That's what it feels like at least.

Sometimes I feel like the Doctor, sometimes I relate to the companion more. As for feeling like the Doctor, I wander alone, always find people pretend to be normal for once because it feels good, but always moving on because it's what I do. I haven't been other than that since I lived in Gibsons. That all changed when I moved, never really fitting in, showing up to some stuff meet people interact like friends, leave. Never really getting close to anyone, well except my Abby friends...but then I moved. Still close to them, but so far away. If you watch New Who, see what I mean?

Ok, tired now. I think now that my mind is empty I can finally get to sleep. Maybe I'll regret being so open in a public place...and maybe not. I'll sleep on it and then edit the settings if I feel the need. Sometimes getting it written down somewhere is more helpful than not.

Been so long once more, ha ha ha ha!!!

So I haven't been on here in ages, as is pretty obvious. I must wish I had more to say. Since I went to England, I have moved out of Burns Lake and have volunteered at the Olympics in Vancouver. I will try and write out what it was like later, I have to sleep among other things first, and post pictures. I should try and link this blog to other things, like facebook and even Windows live. Not that I'm sure anyone really reads the ramblings of a tired and bored crazy woman.


Me in Whistler at the Olympic store with the mascots. :) I am dressed in full Smurf gear, aka the volunteer uniform.

Stuff that, I'm back!

Ha ha, I couldn't stay away. So for anyone who actually checks, I was in England for a week. Just got back last night, before that I had absolutely nothing to talk about. Will post here and myspace and facebook (or just link to and fro). I will add links to photos and stuff and tell the story, but later. Too much to do and I need to get off the computer for a minute. Been uploading photos to the computer and I still need to do laundry and unpack. Cheers all.

The road goes ever on...

Well, I am letting this blog go, I hated being forced into the new one. Sooo, since I rarely to never actually post on this one I will not be posting here any longer. I will however keep checking on the house church one.

The other night I had a dream that was very real, in spite of some of the weird things dreams have. I was at "my" beach (the one I grew up at, practically lived there) and house church and DTS people were there as well. It was a send off. Everyone knew where I was going, but Drew made me say it out loud. So I said the School of Intercessory Prayer in Scotland. I felt a huge peace, no questions, no fears. That peace felt real. Then I was taking pictures of the beach realizing that I may not see it again. I asked God if I was ever going to see it again, since it was the place that I was connected to the most. God said, "You will see it again before you die." It was a very audible voice, like the one that told me I'd only be at my old kitchen job for 7 years. That woke me up, then I realized that there is gonna be some things happening, what (after Scotland) I don't know. I'm feeling like Scotland in 2008, so I got time. If you really wanna follow my exploits, this is the blog that I use the most. Ok, all the time.

http://blog.myspace.com/hilarious29


Now I leave you with a bit of Tolkien...

The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.