You Shall Not Pass...

I keep losing my posts. This is the third one and I'm over it. Ha ha. So finally got Wi-Fi today. Everyone is pretty awesome so far. My camera avoidance techniques have been hit and miss. Good times.

I've run through the gauntlet of emotions. Exhaustion, giddiness, terror, etc. It's pretty interesting. My jet lag isn't too bad anymore, but it still has moments of insanity that are completely different from my normal ones.

Oh, we drove past McDonald's and they have frozen Coke. It's exactly what it says and it is so good. No Slurpees, but this is better.

I thought I wasn't going to get into Australia. 7 hours sleep over 48 hours means jittery body language and inability to think and focus. That meant officer noticed and had me pulled aside because things didn't make sense. In the end it got sorted and I got in the country. My original story typed up was way better and more detailed. :D Basically I had no idea what I did wrong until he asked about the YWAM as I hadn't mentioned it yet. In all fairness he asked about my Brissie friends so I talked about them and it got messed up and didn't make sense. Ha ha.

So anyways, so far not a lot of sightseeing (obviously) but that will come later. Feels like nap time so more later.

Just Pointing Out...

That I really suck at packing. Ha ha. I overthink then overpack then overthink somemore then get frustrated then type poorly. Tomorrow is the big travel day, which I am currently too tired to be excited about. Also Wobbs is guarding my chocolate stash. So see you when I get to Australia. :D

O Captain, My Captain

There has been a lot going on with school prep, work, and life in general.

As you all obviously know I've had a hard 20 year battle with depression. So it's only fitting to start with a major comedic icon's death. We all have heard about it, we all have been shocked and processing it. Again the endless questions of why he did it, which turn introspective (as an introvert it is unescapable) and you ask yourself "Will that ever be me? When may I reach that point?" It may never be me, but having fought it personally the question always pops up with the sadness of another one losing their fight. The hardest part is not becoming desensitized to it and thinking "There goes another one, how sad." while remaining numb and blind to the actual problem. Not everyone understands mental illnesses, that's fine. The key to remember is to learn about it to help others deal with it even if you don't understand or agree that it really exists the way it does. It is real the way it exists for people so before saying anything remember to think before you speak. Ask yourself if the "advice" is going to help or hinder. Everyone is different and the common "helpful" advice may not be as helpful as you intend it to be. Rest easy, Robin. Your fight is over.

Ah school. I finished my last shift at work before I leave last night. I even cleaned out my locker. It still hasn't really sunk in that I fly out the day after tomorrow. I'm making only a bit of progress through the list of films, but it's working out rather well. I borrowed a bunch of them, but I'm picking the ones I want to see most. The hardest part is wanting to jump in and do a lot of rescue stuff, which I can't do. So here I sit on a fabulous day contemplating films, life, the universe, and everything.

I guess I had better get back at it. Packing etc still to do.

Much To Do About School

Thing have been hectic the last week, more so than normal. I've been trying to finish up the remaining paperwork and to get the visa and flight sorted out. I am now down to one bit of paperwork left: the arrival information. Yesterday saw the flight booked, and the acceptance of place sent off and the day before the visa application which was approved in minutes. God is bringing this all together so fast I don't know how I can be so calm. I feel like I should be freaking out, especially with the anxiety disorder (which is fortunately dormant). However I'm not. It's awesome and crazy, which is how I like things to be.

I think about the school, what I will learn and what I can do with it after, and I hear/read the news. I remember something a house church friend said to me: I should make documentaries. So as I see so any biased opinions that will not take other positions into consideration because the other person is wrong it makes me angry knowing there are two sides to the stories and in the middle is the truth. It makes me want to expose that truth, and the truth as both sides see it. I still want to make awesome fictional films, I love a good story. I also know that as much as documentaries can be slanted to the filmmakers view, which isn't always neutral. I keep thinking a good documentarian puts their opinions aside to show how things really are. These are things I'm going to be musing on over the next few months as well as updates on life in Oz.

Prayer requests:
Money to pay off the flight
Money to cover Oz needs
Work changes their mind and gives me an LOA as opposed to my quitting
NZ visit if possible (I miss my friends, yes it's a tad selfish, if it's not meant to be then so be it. We'll survive.)

Ch-ch-changes and Dreams Come True.

Well, it's been a long time and thank God I'm still alive. I was just going to start another fb page then I remembered about this. I'll try to link it to my fb. So updates. As I said I survived the last big low 4 years ago (yay!) and as of next month I am going to Australia for a film school with YWAM. :D I'm super excited for this and to finally learn the technical aspects of making a movie. It's been a whirlwind two weeks leading up to this, but it is all God. Knowing it is all Him and not having money for the visa or airfare, or living expenses for that matter, I know that money will come in. It has before. When I was in house church at girls night someone (I don't remember who) said that Jacob worked 7 years for Leah and another 7 years to see the dream fulfilled. I worked at the senior's home for 7 years to the day (yes, I made my last day that day specifically and symbolically). It has been another 8 years since then, however I lost a year to my last mental illness relapse. So it has been 7 years of working again to get to the dream fulfilled. If that isn't God then I don't know what is. ;) In the mean time if anyone/everyone could pray for the $5000 needed for visa, airfare, and living expenses in Australia to come in that would be great. I'm going to set up a way to donate via paypal if anyone feels led to help out. So exciting and so much to do I had better be off. Blessings and much love.

I Know It's Been A While...

But I've had to focus on doing one thing a day, and this wasn't on the priority list. Also one can only say the same thing so many ways. However an update is in order. I went and visited my sister and the boys, had a good time there. I am up to 40 of Celexa and 30 of Remeron. I'm off the Seroquel (yay!) and have a psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I'm kinda waiting to see what he says but as it stands the diagnosis is depression with Social Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. Whee. I went to a movie for the first time since July, the move was good, however I had a bad time of it and if I hadn't gone with my friend I probably wouldn't have made it at all. It got me right down for the better part of the week, and my anxiety level skyrocketed again. I'm not at work yet, but hopefully if I'm ok then I could try again in January. I may have to look for a new job, but I won't think about that until I get there. Right now I'm trying not to think about going back etc. I got heaps of pictures of the local herd of bighorn sheep. That's been pretty cool. Winter has hit already...hate it, lol. It's too cold I think it's been -20 for the better part of the week. I heard the dinner beeper so I must run. Hopefully I will be on here more and less posting my struggles on facebook.

Should be sleeping...

...But I'm not. Last night was so bad, I had trouble falling asleep and then got woken up at 5:30 am (my one cat thinks this is the time she wants me to wake up so she can eat, she needs to know I'm there to eat if I'm on the premises. If not, then she eats whenever...brat) only to fall asleep again around 7:30 am and I had the dr appointment at 9:30 am. So today started badly, it's been agreed that I am to go up to 40 of Celexa next week, if I'm not in the hospital in Cranbrook (3 hours away) that day. It's been over a month and there hasn't been enough improvement and the depression part is so incapacitating (plus the anxiety and OCD tendencies on top of that, which both the dr and the counselor brought up) that it is felt that I need more intense therapy. I feel like once I get out of the bottom of this hole that once I start climbing out it will be fine to just be on the Celexa, but right now it's not and I'm getting something else tomorrow. I can feel that it will be fine, but it's just not coming together yet. I need a boost to get started climbing out, then once I start actually climbing out it should be ok from there. I am officially off of work until Sept 30 at the soonest and I am going to apply for medical EI. I can't remember much since Thursday. I know I did my Friday and Monday walks, but I don't remember. I didn't leave the house other than those from Friday. I tried to do a puzzle, got frustrated, started an easier one that I've done before and then got locked in "must finish the edge parts...must finish the pink parts...finish pink...finish pink...where's all the pink pieces, must finish pink..." Today it was "Must finish trees...I need to finish my palm trees...where's that one piece? F***! Must finish the rest of the land now...must finish it...oh s*** I just started the turtle...must finish the turtle...must finish the turtle...oh crap there's the octopus...must finish the octopus...must finish the octopus...s***, stupid blow fish...etc" You get the point, maybe I could have put less of the animals in the description though. I spent literally 6 hours on Sunday watching Dog the Bounty Hunter. I just couldn't stop, I dunno why. I went for a walk on Thursday, which was a relatively good day, with a friend, but it turned out to be too much and I got laid out again. Plus the upped meds to 30 didn't help that with minor side effects, but the drowsy one is at the forefront right now. I haven't been able to write to people, it's just too daunting. I don't even remember the last time I showered. I'm only able to type this because I don't know how the other meds are going to effect me and I wanted to update before I start those and forget everything, which I do a lot right now. Can't remember so much. I want to work, it's frustrating I'd be getting 40 hours/week if I hadn't been off work, but I know I can't right now and it's just not worth thinking about. I think I just lost it...no wait...I keep having thoughts go through my head so fast, ideas of wanting to paint (I'm not an artist, I can't draw to save my life and I only do photos if I'm going to be artistic, or write rather badly written whatever it is I write) stuff and make pictures. It is a bit therapeutic and I don't have to leave the house to do it, so random crappy abstracts it might be, maybe I'll post photos. Or not, we'll see if I hate it or not. Oh well, I won't know until Tuesday if I am to be going to the hospital in Cranbrook for a bit or not. That thought scares me, I've never been in the ward before. I've not been this bad, or I've been too unwilling. One or the other. I know, bad grammar and use of punctuation. It could be worse. Ok, really off to sleep now. Tomorrow is more meds and apply for EI and that's all I have planned, especially depending on the med side effects. Good night all, I hope for once it is for me.