Let It Go.

Well, that was interesting. Last night (Sept. 26 in Oz) I got to direct the film noir project. It started rough, really rough. I lost my cool once early on. I started to panic, made a wrong call, and was all in someone's face. I still feel bad about that. I did apologize to that person and the others. I woke up and it was all I could think about. So now it's letting go time.

Once we settled into our roles it went better. I talked with one of the actors after and asked what I could have done better. That was super helpful. The hardest part was watching and not doing lights and camera stuff. Ha ha.

We finished at 1 am, shooting. It only took 3 hours to shoot once we got going. Getting going was the hard part, but I think we held up well considering. It's kind of prep for shooting week. That should be interesting. In spite of the chaos and frustration (with the learning by experience and general mistakes) I don't regret coming here. I don't want to be doing anything else and in this moment I don't want to be anywhere else.

Mostly the anxiety is under control, it's very occassionally that I notice. The depression is mostly ok as well. It's only when I let the stress get to/overwhelming me. Therein lies the key, not to let it get to me. Things need to be done, you do what you can to do them. If you dig deep and put your everything into it anything can be done. The best part is knowing God is in it and helping us get through. If we weren't relying on His strength we'd be out for the count.

Anyways, bed and stories are calling so I can focus on finishing editing tomorrow.

28 Days Later...

Ok, it's been more than 28 days now, but that's ok, especially since this is posting nearly a week later (silly internet). I've been here for a month now. It has been rough, long, tiring but so worth it. The other day we all filmed a scene that we did with no staff assistance. I think ours was awesome.

Today I needed an adventure and to find a space to let my imagination run. I ended up at a park that was pretty sweet. So many lizards that posed for me. I got some great shots and felt my imagination start to take off. Note to self, if you want to write get off base and into nature. It works every time.

There is so much going on with the school. Wednesday we watched Sunset Boulevard. Such a good film. The one we saw on Monday, yeah not so much. I hated everyone in that movie and couldn't wait until it was done. It was so painful to watch, but perhaps that was part of the point.

Ideas, I need ideas. I need my imagination to run, but my stories all want to be long. Currently they all need to be short. Oh well.

Kitty up the street still comes to see me every day at his gate. His tabby friend is getting less scared of me.

Ooo, today I stumbled upon a band in the park show that was playing all music from sci-fi. I missed most of it, but it was pretty sweet. I then met a girl and we chatted and walked for a bit. She is from Michigan. That was random, as were the druggies on the train.

Anyways, back to writing. I would love to have a troll invade my script and smash the laptop in there, but it doesn't advance the story. *sigh*

Fly, You Fools

Yep, these fledglings have been thrown out of the nest. Today we filmed a two page scene in class. It was awesome. I got to be a grip and shadow the DoP. Happiness. As a grip I helped set up the lights. I was a stand in as well with Hanna since we set up the lights and that was all we needed. It was a proper set. Yay! It should be edited and online at some point.

Still struggling with the script, our staff are amazing. They are patient yet pushy as needed, which for me appears to be quite neccessary, ha ha. Seriously though, how I am having translating knowledge to practical application on the script is fruatrating. Fortunately our staff have all been there and seeing where they are now is reassuring.

This week has been production and set etiquite (not sure I spelled that right). So much pre-production paperwork. I can't wait to mess with storyboards and other visual stuff. Don't get me wrong, I do love the writing, it's just translating from my brain to the page in word form is hard.

Tonight was sound design workshop. It's very interesting. Also editing might be overwhelming for me but that remains to be seen. Only a couple of weeks until shooting week. Eek! Come on script, get out of my head.

Ok, time to write. Cheers.

I, Robot

I had a good talk with my staff not long ago. I joked about using this title, but I had already set it up and saved it as an empty post. Hopefully things go uphill from here and get sorted. Our staff are awesome, just saying.

Reality Bites

Ok, I just wanted to use that title. It has a double meaning and I like that. Reality bites you, and reality sucks. Ha ha. I'm going with the first one, reality bites you. It sneaks up on you, bites you and it hurts. Nothing has happened I've just been pondering again. When you are searching for stories in your head that are fake or memories, a painful moment pop up, things swirl around and randomness reigns. I should either be sleeping or writing my script, but I hit a wall.

So now that it's the next day and I got my script back I am pondering what was said. I don't know why something is not sinking in. I'm not stupid, so it's something else. Is it my broken brain? The detatchment there? The fact that I don't seem to feel emotions inside so I can't connect to and through the characters? This is seriously the hardest part for me and it shouldn't be. Maybe this is why I haven't written anything in so long. I know writing is hard, but I used to have things run around in my brain all the time. Maybe it's the meds. I thought before I was sacrificing my creativity to function like a "normal" person (aka get up, work a "proper" job, have a social life). Today I don't feel like it's worth it. I'd rather have the crazy and be able to create than to functionally be able to do what is asked of me without really grasping the deep down whys. I am frustrated, tired, and ready to freaking cry (and I don't cry). This is the one thing that makes me want to quit, and I like writing. I also won't quit, no worries there. So yeah, maybe reality bites was a good title this time.

On the other hand I have grasped the practicals fairly well. I see it, and I do it. Bam. No problem (minus the awkward unpracticed bits, lol).

Today we went location scouting. It was kind of fun driving around the city. It's also definitely warming up here. Anyways, I need to figure out wtf is wrong asap and do another rewrite tonight.

Come What May...

Well, I put this title before tonight when we watched this film (Moulin Rouge) because it was a tad symbolic of how I've felt this week. But first, the epic randomness that occured while watching this film. 1) near the end a possum scrambled across the tin roof killing the mood temporarily. 2) My personal favourite was the huge moth that decided to fly up to the projector and it looked like a bird on screen. The best part was it was during Come What May when they were climbing the hill and the duke made the comment about a little frog. The moth flew at the projector and it's shadow was between Ewan and Nicole's heads so it looked like a bird was flying at us on screen. Too awesome.

Today was first test day. It mostly went ok until the end when I just wanted to be done and messed up, aka missed a major section. Oops. Other than that it went pretty well I think.

So I was having an "I can't do this, but I need to. I need to finish as best as I can." moment this week. Then I decided that come what may I will finish and finish to the best of my abilities. One thing I most certainly am is stubborn (that's the Dutch side, lol). I am determined and come hell or high water I will graduate. Rawr! Ha ha. It was a lot of reading and technical stuff this week. It was so hard, but a lot of the problems will smooth out with experience. Also I need to trust my gut with setting up and standing my ground if I think something is off. My gut was right a few times and I didn't listen (I was tired and just wanted to be done, this is bad for a potential director) and it turned out poorly. We're learning, so I keep telling myself. I discovered I love sound mixing and lighting, I figured I would since I've been dying to learn those properly. The practical experience is fantastic.

The script. Yeah, I can't figure out the problem still. I should just go edgy and weird. Maybe next time. Anyways, it is late and my bed is calling me. I think I've averaged 5 hours of sleep each night this week...and I don't care mostly. More later.

The Music of the Night

What happens when you fall asleep while waiting to do an assignment? A 4 am wake up call is what happens. Then you hear so much noise, so many birds. The other night it was a bat eating in a tree 2 feet away from me. Then his wings as he flew away. It was cool.

This week has been rough so far. Revelations, tired and little sleep, a lot of information coming at us. 2nd and 3rd drafts (not going well at the moment due to lack of personal use computer), shooting assignments...oh yeah, we got to handle the equipment. Yay! So exciting! Then we saw the footage. Mine is so bad. Oh well, it should get better from there. This week has been camera, light, and sound. Tomorrow we do lighting. Sound is actually fun and frustrating all at the same time. Today I found some water dragons having noms in the park. I got some good shots on my actual camera. Part of my filming problem is I'm thinking like a photographer, not a videographer. Blargh. Part of the learning curve I guess.

Anyways, again with reading to do before tomorrow.

Sheep Farts in Aspic

Yep, that is how I feel about my stories right now. A great big pile of stink trapped in a gelatinous substance. Ok, they aren't that bad, I'm just being hard on myself and I really wanted to use that title. It was a win win situation for blogging.
This week is writing week, which I'm loving. Rules that are more like guidelines are most helpful and direction giving other than "write a story you want to film and pitch it". I don't know what I want to film in a 7 minute film. Now I may be able to pull something together, even if I am too hard on myself and hate it.
Story writing has been hard so far. Writer's block, unpracticed skills, medication, depression, deliberate emotional walls up, a combination of all of the above is making that aspect hard and frustrating. I also suck at conclusions and run-ons are my best writing skill. It's super challenging but I love it at the same time. I love stories so much.
One thing that I learned last week was about how you have to be vulnerable to write/tell stories. Argh. So hard to do and tear down well defended walls to be able to be that. It may have started and maybe that's why I got hysterical during the short film (which I'm not sure I can watch again without laughing hysterically). Once there's a crack it's trying to squeak out through this crack all at once and they leak out blended together. Hysterical laughing and crying over the unladylike sleeping woman made a crack. Perhaps 4 cups of tea back to back can also be blamed. Whether it is the tea or not is irrelevant really, but it's fodder for filmmaking so I just gotta let it flow. Now if I see a super sad movie tonight I will bawl like a baby. Oh darn, toilet cleaning and story writing so that won't happen. Ha ha.
Today my cat friend's tabby friend let me touch it. Yay, progress! Here's my cat friend to leave you with as I go write.