Spring has to be the most frustrating time of year for me...ok, I have trouble working all summer as well. Back to spring though. My big problem with spring is after being cooped up all winter because I hate the cold/being cold, I need to get out and let loose. With no car and no where I haven't seen a million times in town, I'm getting very restless. Sure, I one would think that the month spent at the Olympics would help, but no. I'm afraid that just made things worse. I could do things there, hang out with people that I actually felt like I had enough in common with. Here, not so much. I love my friends here, but something feels off and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe the travel bug bit hard again. Maybe I'm just missing people I love enough that it bugs me being here where they aren't. Maybe I'm bored again. Maybe a combination of all of the above. I Know I should be focusing on what I can do while here, and the people, but I tend to spend a lot of time solo, which means I'm always in my head and by myself...and when you are there what is there to think about but oneself and those people not with you? I wish...no, better leave that alone. I better sleep, work again tomorrow. Must keep marching on..."There ain't no other step than one foot right in front of the other...we go where we go we're marching on..."
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Ah, Movies Again...Or Not
Is this the right colour? I think so. Anyways, movies. I just lost my train of thought on that one. Ok, in general I have lost my train of thought.
Ok, trying again. The problem with being a wanderer is being grounded. No car, can't really go anywhere, not even for a day. I have to move, I have to go. One can only walk around a small town so many times before it becomes too familiar. Then I get bored, then my mind gets bored and starts wander and invent non-existent things and drama where there isn't anything. One of the guys on the ship said I was a wanderer, I was always looking around the room to see who I was going to talk to next or where I was going to go next (for the record I am already planning next year's vacation...and the year after that, etc). I was constantly being told I knew everyone on the ship, and I spent a huge amount of time wandering around said ship and just talking to whoever I could find. I think part of me is looking for that place that feels like home. I'm not there yet, but even if I was there, I'd have to move around and go explore. I'd just fade away if I couldn't.
One other thing I do want to know...why is it that the issue ridden people seem to find me? This is not dramatic, it's fact. Why do they seem to be drawn to me like a moth to a flame? I could name names, but I won't. That wouldn't be fair to them. I mean huge issues, not the tame whatever ones, but real issues that I am not allowed to mention due to confidentiality promises. It's not like there's just one person doing that either. I think I'm still trying to figure myself out. Aren't we supposed to have done that by the time we're 30? Or am I behind by 6 years due to a certain life event/person? Or have I forgotten some that has remained the same, while other things I have found out as I have gone along? I'm still trying to figure out why relative strangers tell me their issues/problems. Am I really that easy to confide in? Hmmm...not something I've thought of really. I was told that I have this intrinsic ability to bring people together. It's something I do without trying. It just happens. So I flit in like a butterfly, bring people together and leave again to find new people to bring together. That's what it feels like at least.
Sometimes I feel like the Doctor, sometimes I relate to the companion more. As for feeling like the Doctor, I wander alone, always find people pretend to be normal for once because it feels good, but always moving on because it's what I do. I haven't been other than that since I lived in Gibsons. That all changed when I moved, never really fitting in, showing up to some stuff meet people interact like friends, leave. Never really getting close to anyone, well except my Abby friends...but then I moved. Still close to them, but so far away. If you watch New Who, see what I mean?
Ok, tired now. I think now that my mind is empty I can finally get to sleep. Maybe I'll regret being so open in a public place...and maybe not. I'll sleep on it and then edit the settings if I feel the need. Sometimes getting it written down somewhere is more helpful than not.
Ok, trying again. The problem with being a wanderer is being grounded. No car, can't really go anywhere, not even for a day. I have to move, I have to go. One can only walk around a small town so many times before it becomes too familiar. Then I get bored, then my mind gets bored and starts wander and invent non-existent things and drama where there isn't anything. One of the guys on the ship said I was a wanderer, I was always looking around the room to see who I was going to talk to next or where I was going to go next (for the record I am already planning next year's vacation...and the year after that, etc). I was constantly being told I knew everyone on the ship, and I spent a huge amount of time wandering around said ship and just talking to whoever I could find. I think part of me is looking for that place that feels like home. I'm not there yet, but even if I was there, I'd have to move around and go explore. I'd just fade away if I couldn't.
One other thing I do want to know...why is it that the issue ridden people seem to find me? This is not dramatic, it's fact. Why do they seem to be drawn to me like a moth to a flame? I could name names, but I won't. That wouldn't be fair to them. I mean huge issues, not the tame whatever ones, but real issues that I am not allowed to mention due to confidentiality promises. It's not like there's just one person doing that either. I think I'm still trying to figure myself out. Aren't we supposed to have done that by the time we're 30? Or am I behind by 6 years due to a certain life event/person? Or have I forgotten some that has remained the same, while other things I have found out as I have gone along? I'm still trying to figure out why relative strangers tell me their issues/problems. Am I really that easy to confide in? Hmmm...not something I've thought of really. I was told that I have this intrinsic ability to bring people together. It's something I do without trying. It just happens. So I flit in like a butterfly, bring people together and leave again to find new people to bring together. That's what it feels like at least.
Sometimes I feel like the Doctor, sometimes I relate to the companion more. As for feeling like the Doctor, I wander alone, always find people pretend to be normal for once because it feels good, but always moving on because it's what I do. I haven't been other than that since I lived in Gibsons. That all changed when I moved, never really fitting in, showing up to some stuff meet people interact like friends, leave. Never really getting close to anyone, well except my Abby friends...but then I moved. Still close to them, but so far away. If you watch New Who, see what I mean?
Ok, tired now. I think now that my mind is empty I can finally get to sleep. Maybe I'll regret being so open in a public place...and maybe not. I'll sleep on it and then edit the settings if I feel the need. Sometimes getting it written down somewhere is more helpful than not.
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