Life is a big balancing act. Filmmaking is the same way. My current thing is trying to balance well being with filmmaking and the requirements of it. It's hard. As people who have read this before know, I have clinical depression. It is chronic and it is mostly low level (at least I like to think so so I feel better about it) it definitely causes problems and goes from what to me is "low level" of bad to "how am I still alive" levels of bad. I take medication daily for it and if I go off the medication I end up getting worse and it gets out of control, and not because of withdrawal symptoms.
I find low level to be functioning and appearing normal and able to eat, drink, shower, work, etc. I can have proper conversations, tuck in and do necessary work fairly quickly. I can focus better. The how am I still alive level is pretty self explanatory. I want to not be alive because it can't feel as awful as this does. I can hardly move, or think, I don't eat, can't make food. I can't even open a cereal box and chew on that type of bad.
So how does this relate? Well it gives you a background on what I fight as I try to make films in the grueling schedule that is filmmaking. So how do you balance that and make sure you take care of yourself at the same time? What if what you need to do is not possible? How much time is it going to take after the fact to get back to ok? These are questions I am exploring the answers to. I'm hoping in this time of staffing the film school and working on the feature, while finishing my own projects, that I will sort this out because right now I feel like I can't sort it or balance it. That's the honesty talking.What I feel like and what is are two different things though. I feel like I can't balance it or figure out how. I currently am not ok, I'm alive and I'm fighting but it's not been a good week or so in all honesty. I'm not worried yet, but I am aware that maybe I need more than I've got/am getting right now to take care of it. I also think the concussion I had last year has done permanent damage and is causing more trouble than normal.
This is all the circular thought process I go through. It makes sense and ties in, but how may need to be interpreted. I want to use this blog for more about the filmmaking aspect, but I have and will also continue to use it for the depression fight and awareness because it needs to be talked about for others. They need to understand and some people need to know that they are not the only ones that feel this way. I'm a fighter. I'm a stubborn hard headed Dutch-British-Canadian. I won't go down without a fight even if I'm too tired to fight.
So film stuff updates now that my brain vomited that part all over here. "Broken Together" is complete and even has an IMDB page, as do I. I need to get IMDB Pro so I can update that myself. I am looking at film festivals to send it to. I'm hoping to find one that doesn't require a press kit because I don't have any of that. I should go look for the pictures and things from it. "Kids These Days" hit editing fails and needs to be re-edited from scratch. So that is way behind schedule and needs to get completed asap. Once it is done it too will be shopped to festivals. I'm proud of what I made over the last year. My first film is a first film, but it isn't the worst thing ever. "Immortal" is still one of my favourites as is "I Don't Know Yet". In less than 6 months I directed 5 short films. It's crazy and why have I stopped? Writing, that is why I've stopped. Finding the stories in my head that need to be told and then telling them on paper (ok, typed up on screen) is hard for me to do. I find that when people are around I can't concentrate on what I am doing. I need to be able to block everyone and everything out in order to let the thoughts form properly. I need to wear a Do Not Disturb sign. Hee hee.
Ok, that is the current status of filmmaking and my brain being ill situation. Always keep fighting.
Hilary
