The Balancing Act.

Life is a big balancing act. Filmmaking is the same way. My current thing is trying to balance well being with filmmaking and the requirements of it. It's hard. As people who have read this before know, I have clinical depression. It is chronic and it is mostly low level (at least I like to think so so I feel better about it) it definitely causes problems and goes from what to me is "low level" of bad to "how am I still alive" levels of bad. I take medication daily for it and if I go off the medication I end up getting worse and it gets out of control, and not because of withdrawal symptoms.

I find low level to be functioning and appearing normal and able to eat, drink, shower, work, etc. I can have proper conversations, tuck in and do necessary work fairly quickly. I can focus better. The how am I still alive level is pretty self explanatory. I want to not be alive because it can't feel as awful as this does. I can hardly move, or think, I don't eat, can't make food. I can't even open a cereal box and chew on that type of bad.

So how does this relate? Well it gives you a background on what I fight as I try to make films in the grueling schedule that is filmmaking. So how do you balance that and make sure you take care of yourself at the same time? What if what you need to do is not possible? How much time is it going to take after the fact to get back to ok? These are questions I am exploring the answers to. I'm hoping in this time of staffing the film school and working on the feature, while finishing my own projects, that I will sort this out because right now I feel like I can't sort it or balance it. That's the honesty talking.What I feel like and what is are two different things though. I feel like I can't balance it or figure out how. I currently am not ok, I'm alive and I'm fighting but it's not been a good week or so in all honesty. I'm not worried yet, but I am aware that maybe I need more than I've got/am getting right now to take care of it. I also think the concussion I had last year has done permanent damage and is causing more trouble than normal.

This is all the circular thought process I go through. It makes sense and ties in, but how may need to be interpreted. I want to use this blog for more about the filmmaking aspect, but I have and will also continue to use it for the depression fight and awareness because it needs to be talked about for others. They need to understand and some people need to know that they are not the only ones that feel this way. I'm a fighter. I'm a stubborn hard headed Dutch-British-Canadian. I won't go down without a fight even if I'm too tired to fight.

So film stuff updates now that my brain vomited that part all over here. "Broken Together" is complete and even has an IMDB page, as do I. I need to get IMDB Pro so I can update that myself. I am looking at film festivals to send it to. I'm hoping to find one that doesn't require a press kit because I don't have any of that. I should go look for the pictures and things from it. "Kids These Days" hit editing fails and needs to be re-edited from scratch. So that is way behind schedule and needs to get completed asap. Once it is done it too will be shopped to festivals. I'm proud of what I made over the last year. My first film is a first film, but it isn't the worst thing ever. "Immortal" is still one of my favourites as is "I Don't Know Yet". In less than 6 months I directed 5 short films. It's crazy and why have I stopped? Writing, that is why I've stopped. Finding the stories in my head that need to be told and then telling them on paper (ok, typed up on screen) is hard for me to do. I find that when people are around I can't concentrate on what I am doing. I need to be able to block everyone and everything out in order to let the thoughts form properly. I need to wear a Do Not Disturb sign. Hee hee.

Ok, that is the current status of filmmaking and my brain being ill situation. Always keep fighting.

Hilary

Sometimes You Need To Say Something...

This is strictly my opinion based on how my brain works. This is not fact as I'm not psychic or personally involved in the situation.

So, I was thinking about the co-pilot that crashed the jet into the mountains. There is far too much speculation without all the facts, of which I'm about to contribute to. I admit it.

Fact 1: He tore up doctor notes saying he shouldn't be working. Ok, currently that is the only hard fact involving the illness.

Fact 2: He loved flying and it was all he wanted to do (another fact that came from multiple family and friends).

Speculation that could be fact: depression set his training back (according to a friend).

If all he wanted to do was fly planes and was having a mental health problem that wasn't being helped by the doctor then what he did makes sense to a point. I will never understand taking 149 other people with him no matter why he did it, that is the part that doesn't make sense to me. Let me explain what makes sense based on what my thinking pattern and experiences have been.

When you are clinically depressed to an extreme that would cause a suicide, you see no hope for ever getting better. No hope for the future and in turn no will to live. So you cling to what keeps you going. Some people cope with drugs to mask the symptoms and for the temporary feelings of anything other than the black hole. Some people cling to objects or the thing that gives them a purpose. That thing could be a job. In the pilot's case it would be flying. He had already missed a lot of training which set his career back and nearly derailed it completely. He fought back and made it. He would also know that if he had a relapse he could lose his career in an instant.

So it makes sense from a depressed person's point of view that he would go to the doctor to get help and that wasn't working so he wouldn't want to lose the one thing that gives him purpose, flying. If he felt that he hit the breaking point and he was going to lose everything then he'd want to end it before he lost the only thing keeping him holding on. It even makes sense he would do it in a plane, but why not fly solo and do it instead of taking out 149 other people. The only other thing that would make that part make sense to me is if he had bi-polar or schizophrenia.

You follow me? I have been near that point, some of my old posts point that out quite well and it is why I have my tattoo for my nephews. Perhaps I am only projecting my thought patterns so it makes sense to me. Perhaps there is an element of truth to it. I'll never know. I just know the feeling like you are going to lose everything and there is no way out.

Ok, spewed that out.

Just so people don't worry. I did another depression inventory (each box has statements valued at 0-3, 3 being the worst and you circle which is most accurate at the moment or over the last week) and my score was down. Numbers don't really mean much if you don't know the test etc. So let's just say over 40 is a dangerous place to be, aka extreme depression. 30-40 is severe, 20-29 is moderate, 10-19 is mild, 0-9 is normal. Granted this can also depend on life circumstances like a death in the family or job loss, but that is different than clinical depression which has nothing to do with being caused by something like that. 20 years later it most definitely is NOT situational aka sadness. Anyways, I was down to 34 I believe. This is on medication. This is also where I am used to functioning in. I don't know that I've been under 30 in the last 20 years, but whatever. I'm not in a danger zone if anyone is actually worried. It's just a body reaction/disease and everything takes more effort than typically is necessary and can make me feel nothing, emotional pain, physical pain. It depends on the day. Most days no one can tell. Like I said, I'm not in any danger of doing something "stupid". I have tools to be as functional as possible and I'm doing really well, even if it doesn't feel like it some days. I'm looking forward to the future and all it holds. My work here on earth is not done yet. So much still to do that God promised so I'm not going to choose to do something to wreck that. I'm going back to Australia in June. I am going to make movies, as crew and director. I will keep fighting.

Love you all.

If I Only Had a Brain

Ok, a properly working brain that doesn't have irrational thoughts and mental illness.

It's Getting Late

Yep, still going with titles or quotes, although not film related.

So I've been back in Canada for 2 1/2 weeks and it has been rough. I got a cold, as expected, a sinus infection from the dust due to winter and the sand spread on the roads. I have been back at work for 2 weeks. It's fine. The job hasn't changed. I have and it makes being there harder.

I got offered a place in the Basic Leadership School, so I am planning on heading back to Oz at the end of June for at least 20 months. Possibly/probably more, currently only God knows. I confess, I can't wait. I have issues with patience, even when I don't have a choice about being patient. Argh. I'm just glad I get to go back.

The problem with being an introvert is I am always in my head thinking about things and stuff. I'm actually a crap planner unless it is meaningful. So there are things I think I know, then I think on it and begin to think I don't really know. In reality who really knows anything? So then I think about faith, which is being sure of what we can't see, and then I want to fight for that thing I think I know. Yep, my brain is all over the place and overthinking. So in faith I am accepting that place in the school with no idea how or who to get support from. In faith I am praying for things and people and claiming things over them. Victory and healing.

I found out on Monday that the Calgary Comic Expo is having a 48 hour film competition. I am so excited. A friend and some of his friends are going to help and crew. Yay!! I get to make another film! It really is all I want to do for a job, filmmaking. So I have to go to Comic Expo for one day. Ok, twist my rubber arm.

I should sleep. Tomorrow is a Skype call, doctor for med refill, and another Skype call. All before noon. Yay!

Seasons May Change

I know it's been a few weeks. The internship ended without the final film being as edited as it should have been. That's frustrating. We played laser tag and I finally got to participate in that. I never got a beach day. Yes, I was gutted that I didn't. I went to study and work, not to have fun and be a tourist in Oz. I accomplished that.

The last week before I left Oz I was trying to put on a happy front, inside I was sad and full of dread to return to the ordinary. The thing about doing something extraordinary is that you become ruined for the ordinary or the extraordinary becomes your new level of ordinary.

So I'm back in Canada, my body refuses to adjust to the time zone, and I have a cold. Whee. Makes for an unfun first week back. However I have seen a few friends, family, and my cats. That helps. I do miss the crew and the work back in Oz. I know I'm going back so that helps. Seasons change, when I go back it will be different than the internship as the internship was from the SDF. Different dynamics. It will be challenging and fun. I can't wait.

So my next steps are work (which I need to leave for shortly), sort out my things, and raise support for going back. So much to do, so little time.

Like I said, I must go to work. Pray I don't injure myself.

These Little Wonders Still Remain

So this morning I was thinking about how people joke about small thing amusing small minds (or simple things amusing simple minds) and it made me a bit annoyed. I simply do not find that to always be true. So my title is a song lyric from a song written for a film. The back story behind it is great. Short story, Rob Thomas wrote it for his dog Tyler (RIP, Tyler). The whole story though is more interesting. When I was at his show in 2009 in Vancouver he told us how it came about. It was pouring rain (in NY City) and he had to take Tyler for a walk. He was hating every minute of it and there was a lot of life things he was dealing with. Tyler, as dogs do, thought it was the best thing ever and was just so excited to be out for a walk with his owner just being. Tyler was so excited by the small things and Rob realized that Tyler had it right and he didn't. So when he got back he wrote the song.

Life sometimes hands you crappy things. It happens. Stress from work, relationships, etc can make you like Rob in that moment. It happens to all of us.

So where is this going? Bear with me as I re-concussed myself a bit.

I have gone through a lot of shit. I have clinical depression, anxiety, now post concussion. I have nearly drowned (at 2 years old), been molested, had bad relationships with controlling or manipulative men, seen a classmate's dead body briefly hanging from a swing set, been physically and emotionally bullied. There have been many moments where I should be dead (I counted 10 at least that for the grace of God I survived). With all these things (and more that I may have forgotten) you would think I would hate the world and everyone in it. I don't.

So here it is. I am easily amused by little things. The little fish that eat dead skin, lizards that are catchable, cats, baby animals, stupid jokes, watching good friends interact, fangirling about actors or shows that I love. I am so unapologetic about it as well. Do I come across like an airhead or a child? Yes, absolutely. You know what though? Some people could use a dose of being like that themselves. Letting go of their jaded cynicism, their past hurts. Some people need to open their eyes and see the world and appreciate those little wonders. I'm not an idiot, I'm not simple or stupid. I'm just appreciating the little things God has given us to appreciate. This week I challenge everyone to keep a list of the little things that they appreciate or enjoyed. Just one week really look for the little wonders in life. Take a picture or write it down. I'm going to hastag littlewonders for at least a week. Join me, you know you want to.

For a Dreamer Night's the Only Time of Day

It has been so long. There has been much filming and stressful preproduction. Our second short films have been shot. I spent the day completely knackered. It was all obviously worth it though.

I fly home in less than two weeks. I'm so torn on it. I want to see my family and friends, yet I don't want to leave here at all. I finally feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and now I have to leave. I know I'm coming back in a couple of months, and it will go so fast, but I just don't want to leave. I will miss everyone here, some of whom will be here when I get back. I want them to come to the airport, but I don't. It's a good thing one of the girls and I are on the same flight to LA. That will make it easier. The hard part will be in LA leaving her when my body is saying it's time to sleep. Stages of goodbyes and travel. Hmmm. Good thing we will have chick flicks for the plane and tears as a result. Ha ha.

God is teaching me faith, perseverance, trust, patience, holding onto His promises and my dreams. Giving those dreams to Him. Good stuff really. I feel like I might actually finally know who I am in Him and can now walk that in confidence. Also I'm a freaking filmmaker! Finally! Ha ha ha haaaa!

On that note my bed is actually calling me again so I must listen so I can work tomorrow.